CONVICTED

Our justice system sometimes convicts people for things they did not do. But when the Holy Spirit convicts, no jury is needed. If you are feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit, you may as well stop running from it because there is no doubt that you are guilty. Ouch. Why does it sting so bad? I think it's that in being convicted by God you know what He is showing you is truth. And it hurts to admit that we have been wrong. We don't want to admit that we have flaws, or atleast I don't. It's easy to look at somebody else and see their imperfections, but when the finger is pointed at ourself, we like to look over our shoulder and avoid it.

So that's how I felt last week when God grabbed ahold of me as I read some random blog. By the time I got to the end of said random blog, I was wiping away tears of conviction, remorse and sadness. Now, I don't expect everyone felt this way after reading it, but the young man in her recount made me instantly think of my husband. Graham is that man everywhere he goes--always looking for a way to help. The author's explanation of how the young man's simple gesture affected her so deeply made me feel so ugly as so many times I have such a sorry attitude when Graham is helping somebody else (i.e. not me). I don't think about how his actions may be speaking to others, only that I am somehow feeling ignored by him (Ugh!). When he is being kind, I am not thinking about how God may be glorified through Graham's willingness; I am only thinking about how he is not focused on me at the time. It made me sick to my stomach to think of how selfish I have been, and of all things, I DO NOT want to be selfish! But, I have been. Maybe not blatantly, but in my thoughts as I think "What about me?" instead of "What about God?" My attitude not only hurt Graham, but it stood between me and God.

I had to apologize to Graham. I want to be completely supportive of his actions for Christ. I usually get irritated when we go out and he not only opens the door for me but a whole multitude behind me. I keep walking and talking and as I look back, I realize I am talking to myself and there's Graham holding the door smiling and greeting the people. I shouldn't keep walking. I should be standing right beside him with a friendly smile as well. I remember one time we went shopping and as we were leaving the store, a woman with a toddler was struggling to carry this huge plastice drawer thingie. I actually got slightly perturbed when Graham took time away from me to help this woman carry the drawer to her car. I wasn't thinking of the joy Graham was bringing to God or the impact he might be having on the woman.

I hate admitting that I am that selfish at times, but I also know that I am not alone in my selfishness. It just manifests differently in all of us as we all struggle to die daily to Christ. So, conviction is pain, but I love that He loves us enough to meet us right where we are, to show the areas that most definitely need improvement. He wants us to be all we can in Him...to pursue righteousness. In order to do that, we must listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit however He chooses to speak to us and be willing to scrape out what does not belong--to replace selfishness with self-sacrifice, replace a sorry attitude with a cheerful heart. I like that the guilt of conviction is fleeting. He does not want us condemned. He just points it out and if you are willing to recieve it, swallow the fact that you are not perfect, He then replaces that guilt with joy because of His amazing sacrifice.
He must become greater. I must become less.

Caught Red-handed

This was Season's explanation to coloring her entire hand with a red marker: "It was an accident," which was then followed by a mound of supposedly repentful tears. But since she is five and we were in a good mood, her dad and I just laughed. In fact, Graham told her to color the other hand green so could play "Stop and Go" on the playground with the kids at school.
But how many times do we use the same silly excuse with God when our sins finally find us out. Except our excuses sound more like this: "Well, I only did it one time." or "I didn't think it would happen to me." or "That's not what I intended to happen," and so on and so on. We have a plethora of sorry explanations, but all we are saying is that our sins are somehow an accident and not our fault.
But just like Season who has always been tempted where markers are concerned--she loves to color outside the lines, far outside the lines--we too know where we are tempted and so does the devil. Satan wants to devour us(1 Peter 5:8) and we choose to give him a foothold(Eph. 4:27) And I'm not just talking about the obvious public sins. If I am tempted to sleep late and then forego devotion, rushing through my day trying to get everything done, yelling and getting mad at my kids because they are getting in my way. This is a sin just as is murder (obviously the consequences are different)and neither are an accident. God sees my choice to sleep rather than set Him as a priority. You might as well paint my hand red. Anytime He is not our focus and our own fleshly needs take precedence, it is sin and for the most part, I believe it is deliberate.
Don't put yourself in the way of temptation, whatever that looks like for you. Don't make excuses when you get caught. Instead fall at His feet, admit your sin with a truly repentful heart and turn from your wicked ways. Don't sit by yourself in a room full of markers with no lids. God will never laugh when we fail, when we knowingly choose to sin. No, because we have the Holy Spirit to lead us moment by moment and He knows the pain it took to wipe out our sin. He was beaten and bruised for our iniquity. I often wonder if He feels that pain still. I am always reminded of a saying I learned when I was in junior high: Sin, it takes you further than you ever intended to go, keeps you longer than you ever intended to stay, and costs you more than you ever intended to pay.

Jesus said "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."