Blog Schmog

Muddy Pond-erings :)

2009-05-30T22:07:00.008-05:00

Grayson and his buddy Caleb on last day of school

Season's last day of school

One thing that I have learned from our first year of public school is that I do not want to go back to work (doesn't mean I won't in the future, but I don't want to nonetheless). I am able to be at the school whenever I'm needed or want to be or Season wants me to be there. I have no guilt whatsoever, and I never have to okay my leaving with anybody else. I would like to say I never feel rushed, but I do everything in a rush at the last minute. It's how I function. But, I very rarely feel stressed, overwhelmed, or pulled in too many directions. I feel peace. Are we busy? Probably not in comparison to most families. And we love it! But we have our weeks where we say okay we gotta slow down. And we do. We can. Because I don't have to go to work. I can be at home to "settle down" life and readjust the tone of our home. My husband (and me too for the most part) thrives on simplicity. Too much business goin' on and he is out. And in my opinion, most children are that way, too.
I am presently watching my kids swim in the muddy pond behind our house. No electronic devices, no fancy shmancy water slides, no money spent. Just give 'em a stick, a jumper cable, and a plastic sled, and they are completely joyous in it. I often struggle with wondering if I am doing God's will, or wondering how I can be absolutely purposeful for Him throughout my day. But at this moment--I know I am right where I'm supposed to be, doing exactly what He wants me to. Nothing else is competing for my time--no job, no prior commitments, no computer, no TV, no meaningless daily task--just my kids, my pen, my thoughts, and His awesome presence.

Proof of Life

2009-05-13T14:30:00.004-05:00

Last night I woke to the hum of nothingness, and felt an urgency to check on my baby (my almost 4-year-old baby sob sob). He was sleeping so soundly that he wasn't making a noise, nor stirring a muscle. So soundly, that for an instant I thought he wasn't breathing at all. I had to place my hand on his bare little chest to feel the in and out of his breath. I had to have proof. Relief instantly overcame fear in knowing, without a doubt, life was flowing through his veins.

This made me wonder if God can see the in and out of His breath in me. Are there times that I do not appear spiritually alive to Him? Does He have to search for proof of His Life in me? Ouch.

His life visibly flowing through us for His glory. Be Proof of Life to the World.

2 Corinthians 4: 10-11
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

Brief Family Summary (in order to start this blog afresh)

2009-05-13T09:17:00.006-05:00

Graham is presently enjoying work that requires no thought, only the sweat of his brow and his (awesome) manly muscles. He is daily learning to surrender control to God, in realization that his plans are nothing in light of our Creator. He finds much joy in Grayson being his constant shadow, in watching his little girl play ball, and in his wife keeping his house clean and dinner on his table :) He dislikes stupid television, reading any book other than the Bible, and clutter. He is busy creating various house plans, helping different people, and providing a wonderful life for his family. Summer is presently enjoying the daily tasks of being mom to her two quickly-growing children and wife to her man, and living a simple life. She is trying to learn to love like Jesus, increase productivity in day-to-day life, and to stop hesitating when God says to Move. She finds much joy in the silly things her kids do everyday, random kindnesses from friends and family, and truly feeling the presence of God. She dislikes going to Wal-Mart, not having a good book to read, and living in Texas in the summertime. She is busy trying to keep the floor clean, figuring out how to get things done with the least amount of effort (lol), and spending too much time on the computer! Season is presently enjoying being mommy to her babydoll Skylar, getting ready for dance recital, eating lunch with Aunt Mally at school everyday, and swimming in the muddy tank in the backyard. She is learning that life is not fair, sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, and to trust Mom, Dad, and God. She finds much joy in doing tricks on the trampoline, tagging out girls on the tball field, and Tuesdays with Granna and cousin Azlyn. She dislikes not getting what she wants, computer class, and getting poison ivy all the time. She is busy hording stuff in her bed, pretending to be her brother's teacher, and watching too much TV.
Grayson is presently enjoying everything he can to the fullest! He is learning to be patient, his ABC's, to spell his name, how to be a real man. He finds much joy in being with his daddy and pappy and his best bud Caleb, sharing affection with those he loves, talking very loudly, and in kicking the cat. He dislikes washing his hair, drinking water, not getting a prize at Wal-Mart, and being disciplined. He is busy cutting down trees with his loppers, getting as dirty as possible, making his family laugh, irritating his sister, and burning brush with his dad.

My Valentine (yes, a few days late, so what!)

2009-02-16T11:41:00.013-06:00

I am continually humbled by the fact that God answered my prayers for my husband. Graham has always been a good man, but now he is a New Man. I am not an emotional girl, but my heart seriously overflows with gratefulness, unworthiness, and a deep desire that all marriages can be genuinely rooted in God. I write not to boast in Graham, but to boast only in the Lord, who had mercy on us both.

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!

2 Corinthians 5:17

The new man leads his family to church. He models the love of Jesus. He does not seek his own glory. The new man asks for forgiveness when he is wrong. He extends mercy to his wife when she fails. He leads his daughter in prayer when she is afraid. The new man encourages his son to seek God and not the things of this world. He sets the Word of God as his standard. The new man runs to the peace of God, not the temorary escape of this world. He loves to guide conversations to God, and enjoys the company of like-minded friends and family. The new man encourages his wife to feed her spirit, not her flesh (which, honestly, she would rather not hear, lol). He realizes his own stength is not enough, and knows he is nothing without Christ. He inspires little children to be passionate about the Lord, and feels compassion for the lost. The new man humbles himself before the Lord, and does not apologize for his sensitivity to the Spirit. He worships the Lord for his handiwork, and stands in awe of the one true God. He cries out for a pure heart, and knows this world is not his home. The new man realizes that God's ways are much higher than his own, and is willing to go against the flow in obedience to Him. He admits when he has stepped outside of God's will, and feels repentant for doing so. He devours the Word for wisdom, passionate about storing it in his heart. The new man does not seek wealth from this world, but desires to store up treasures in heaven. He doesn't always get it right, but ultimately knows that his Victory is in the Lord. The new man sees with His eyes, tries to be God's hands, and loves unconditionally. He plans with diligence, pursues righteousness, craves unity, wants more than anything to see His glory known. He is my Psalm 1 man. And I, I am learning to lean on him as God's covering for me, and I love him much more than I can express.

2009-02-12T23:02:00.002-06:00

Graham and I are loving this song lately. Our praise team sings it at church, and they do an awesome job of it. And now they play Michael W. Smith's version of it on Klove all the time. We can't get enough of it. The lyrics are powerful. You can't hear it and not worship Him. My God is mighty to save, Author of my salvation. He conquered the grave! He is the hope of the nations. He takes me as I am, all my stinkin' fears and failures. I love the end of the song, picturing that one of these days we really will be gathered around His throne, all of us, all nations, singing for the glory of the Risen King.

Zephaniah 3: 16-17 "Do not fear, O Zion; do not let your hands hang limp. The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."

My life is over...

2009-01-27T17:14:00.003-06:00

....or half-over rather. Today my man described me as "middle-aged." Really? Middle aged? I will not claim that. thankyouverymuch.

Living and Active

2009-01-13T16:45:00.011-06:00

Isaiah 40:28-31

"Do you not know? Have you not heard? The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom.
He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint."

The Truth. My Life Sustained. Scriptures that I've heard since before I could read them for myself. How is it that they continue to give me encouragement and strength? How is that His Word continues to convict and break my heart? I've always questioned how. "Child-like faith" has never come easily to me. Luckily the Lord totally gets my skepticism and accepts me just the same. He teaches me to be at peace with questions that have no earthly answer. So, we Continue to hope in the Lord. Continue to Run. Because, Hello? Don't you know? Haven't you heard? My God is everlasting. He doesn't grow tired of me. My weak faith does not make Him weary. He is totally cool with the fact that I can't begin to fathom His understanding.

Thank you God for daily Renewal.

A New Knowing

2009-01-07T16:32:00.011-06:00

Who knew a new year would bring so much change? "Not I," said the sickeningly happily married thirty-something mom of two, living contently in a pint-sized Skamper camper that is appropriately decorated inside and out with the shade of dirt. Or is it poop? And did I say contently?
So all the change creates many post-worthy blogs (in my mind atleast), but not really blog-worthy time slots in my schedule as of yet. A month after selling our house and moving everything we own into a still-not-ready-to-live-in quonset barn, whilst we make the Skamper home and bum showers and laundry appliances (and Christmas trees) from sweet family, we are finally beginning to create a new normal for the little Eudey family. Each of us is being stretched, learning lots, digging deep for patience, and holding on to the "light at the end of the tunnel," (as one friend so aptly suggested should be the theme song of the quonset phase of our project.) Of course, the only one of us workin' his buns off is my man. Can I just say that he is awesome? I mean he is putting a roof over my head with his own two hands.
Though the changes have made us closer as a family, both literally and figuratively, my God-time has suffered. Thankfully, His grace and strength are sufficient. I actually did read my Bible Sunday morning (though I skipped church), and found my scripture for the new year. Joel 2:13
says "Rend your heart..." I like that word "rend." It means to tear or split apart. Rend my heart from the world, from my flesh and give it wholly and completely to Him; not just "rend my garments" so others will see and think I'm so "Christian", but to daily with purpose and repentance be broken before my God knowing the mercy and kindness He extends toward inadequate, sinful me. That's my resolution. Change and Rend. Rend and Change.

Sum Favorites.

2008-11-02T16:02:00.007-06:00

1. My new fav TV preacher, Pastor Andy. He is fo' real. Most of the stuff I have heard has been on marriage and relationships. He is hilarious, but tells the Truth.

2. The Lord Reigns My fav praise song of the moment. I love jammin' when I clean house, just so ya know.

3. The mothering moments I have enjoyed the most lately are when Season is being an artist (I think she is quite good), and Grayson is trying to find Waldo. Definite Christmas gifts.

4. Frank Peretti books have overtaken my life lately. If I start a book I like, it supercedes everything else. Not good when you are 13 and your mom wants you to fold the clothes (She actually grounded me from books!), or when you are 31 and you need to get in bed in order to function as mom the next morning.

5. I subscribed to a (free) 30-day True Woman makeover at Revive our Hearts (I know...like I need it lol). Anyway, I have really enjoyed the teaching. And you can choose to read the daily radio program instead of listen, which is helpful for this visual learner... It's some good stuff that I wish Christian women could truly get and live their lives in light of. (oh, I hate ending a sentence with a preposition, but I'm gonna do it anyway)

6. Cooking and Baking have become more fun lately. I want to be good at it, but I still have lots to learn. I like allrecipes.com because you can read reviews from other people and search for pretty much anything. Pioneer Woman is always inspiring of course and she also enlightened me to Bakerella. I can't wait to try some of that fun stuff!

7. My Rocket Dogs still rockit as far as I am concerned. I could use a new pair, but they def. define who I am if ya know what I mean. They are my go-to shoes.

8. Graham and I went out this weekend for our anniversary. We had fun just being together, but mostly he just followed me around while I shopped. I am blessed with a good man. He's my fav. But my favorite find of the weekend was two spiderman masks at Hot Topic, a store I would not dare dark the doors of had the masks not caught my eye. I was so proud of them 'cause they were like 90% off. Cheap is my fav too.

Rip-Off

2008-10-25T12:57:00.007-05:00

If the make-shift carnival rolls into town, DO NOT take your children, no matter how pathetically your 3-year-old begs you. If you are blinded by the bright lights that shine amidst the carny stereotypes, you will be forced to pay three (freakin') dollars per ride. If you make the mistake of buying tickets (no refunds mind you) even after you realize there are only like four other carnival-goers there, your children will not ride the roller coaster or the spinny thingy as they manuever at speeds that should be outlawed for riders under 42 inches. If your daughter refuses to ride anything, you will resort to force, threatening her to either ride the slide or not be able to play a game so she can win a prize. If you pay ten dollars for the tickets under the guise that you can use the tickets to throw darts at balloons as well, you will be disappointingly aggravated and want to grab the carny by the throat and shove the tickets down her throat. Er, I mean smile sweetly and pull the five out of your pocket so your screaming kids can shove a dart into a balloon. And if you do that, your son will win the thrill of choosing either a 1-inch stuffed heart or a black rose as his prize. If you begin to feel the carnival germs seeping into your pores after less than ten minutes, you will drag your children back to the car saying "you better be thankful you got to come at all!" If your daughter taunts your son telling him a heart is a girl prize, your son will step out of the car and throw it on the ground declaring "Hearts are stupid!" If your husband is waiting for you when you get home, be warned he will not be sympathetic to your tale but will laugh mockingly and say "I told you so."

Does this make me crazy?

2008-10-14T08:54:00.012-05:00

I have inappropriate urges. Urges that involve pens and ankles. Exposing your ankle to me whilest I have a writing utensil in my hand could be a stumbling block for me. I will feel an insatiable desire to grafitti the empty space just below your ankle. I do it to myself constantly if I am sitting still. But, I did not realize that I felt the need to "tattoo" other people until I was sitting next to a friend during lifegroup a few weeks ago and she was barefoot. It was all I could do to keep my hand from infringing upon her space and doodling a quick cross. I was so distracted by my lusting after the blank slate before me that I couldn't concentrate on the Word. My ankle was already covered with hearts and stars. I needed to create a masterpiece, and there was the perfect canvas. I had to take my thoughts captive in order to overcome the temptation. No wonder my daughter still struggles with writing on herself, furniture, the walls, her dolls. I know how she feels. The passion for creating overcomes logic in that moment. (Our pastor coined that phrase Sunday, and it has been very applicable in my life!) Keep the ankles covered people. Well, the whole foot and the hands for that matter. or BEWARE of my idle hands!

Yeah, so Does that make me crazy?

2 Cor. 5:13
"If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God...." (Amen)

Conversations with Grayson

2008-09-29T12:43:00.002-05:00

Me: You're going to be a preacher, aren't you?
Grayson: No
Me: Are you going to be a missionary?
Grayson: Yep.
Me: Where? In Africa?
Grayson: No! At McDonald's.

So, if my boy is prophetic....he may be the first missionary to McDonald's. Servin' up a Happy Meal and a holy message. Won't you support his cause?

Control Issues? Yeah, you gnome.

2008-09-16T13:05:00.018-05:00

Today I have the luxury of closing myself in my house, camping out in the living room in my pajamas, going outside only to feed our new kitty, Lizzie Bellie, and get the mail. Of course, I don't know how much of a luxury it really is being that I am being held here forcefully by a sweet, sickly regurgitating little man. Though I have issues with certain things being splattered on the walls, I don't mind at all when my boy curls up in my lap and falls fast asleep.

I didn't really choose to abstain from blogging for a whole month, but I haven't been able to "complete" any great thoughts. I don't want my blog to be a smathering of randomness all the time, but I think I am beginning to see a pattern in my life. Lots of beginnings with no endings. Too many great ideas that are not followed through. Too many projects initiated but never completed. I obviously have personality issues. It’s got to be an issue of fear. Fear that I can’t successfully finish at the standard I would like to. Or maybe I am just lazy (not driven some might say? Lol) Commitment issues maybe? Like if I commit to this then I won’t be able to do that. And I have to be able to be open to whatever comes my way. okay so sorry about that aside into my psyche. Actually, I'm not sorry. In fact, how 'bout a further peek? In my vegetative state today, I thought it might be fun to browse through my pictures. Here are a few that make me happy:

this is why I love my man

this is what appears if you give my girl a camera

it never hurt to put a little hope in gnomes.

Rose? Rose? is that you...no no it's just your man.

oh my hehehahhaha
okay so we actually got out of the house one more time. The boy started feeling better and insisted we ride his four-wheeler. As I was driving down one of the trails, I began to wonder if it was actually a trail at all. It was not very cleared out. There were a few rocks in the way, and branches hanging low. But just barely you could see the tire tracks right in front of you. I thought about how we wonder the same thing a lot of times as we seek God about our trail in life. We begin cruising along and then when it becomes a little rocky we question whether it's really the path. "Are you sure God? That doesn't look very clear to me. I really can't see where I'm going." I like to think that I am not a control freak, that I very easily submit myself to God's will. But that is soooo not true. I may not count calories, make to-do lists incessantly, or be pushy about getting my way, but I maintain control of my days in my own manipulative ways quite often. Having faith that He has your life in His hands, and then actually trusting Him to take care of it are two totally different concepts. Taking that leap into nothing, complete abandonment...it's something I am still pursuing. Something I don't think I have figured out yet. I am confronted by my "control" issues in my relationship with my husband. Through those stupid disagreements that I sometimes just can't let go of, through the times I don't want to submit to his wisdom as the head of our family. But I know that Biblically, submission to my man is submission to God. Being dependent is difficult for our self-sufficient, self-gratifying culture, which, yep, includes myself most of the time. True trust is refusing to say, "but God." It is a reckless flailing at His feet. As I was driving down that not so clear path on the four-wheeler, Grayson sat securely against me; no tension in his body, no fear on his face. Instead, he was full of joy and his hands were in his lap with no doubt that I knew exactly what I was doing.

Psalm 131:2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

My Simple Life

2008-08-16T17:33:00.006-05:00

So lately I have either felt like this.

Or slightly like this. either way life is good.

I fried up some steak and squash for my man and then had to go to my softball game where I was accused of smelling greasy and fried..... My spiritual lessons have come by way of softball as well. Let's just say, "A man's pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor."Psalm 29:23

I recently went through my childhood collection of clowns and decided to part with a few, but had sooo much fun playing with them. I feel bad for you if you were not so blessed to see my clowns in their glory days. Strange as it seems, they still have some kind of power over me.

And my girl thinks she will be a hairdresser some day. She has a creative talent anyway. Check our pic link in the sidebar, to see the back of my hair which is just as interesting as the front.

The next couple of weeks will bring lots of first for us. Season's first day of kindergarten, Grayson's first day of preschool, my first church women's event as one of the "leaders," my first visit to the neurologist (hopefully the last as well). I think Graham, atleast, will do life as usual, but I know his mind and spirit are just bursting to build his own home for the first time! The barn we are to live in will be making its way to the land next month I believe. Yes, I said I'm gonna live in a barn. Graham's uncle cracked a joke about our kids acting like they were "raised in a barn." I'm praying the barn-raising will be short lived, but I'm ready for whatever changes come our way, whether they look as I think they should or not.

Presently in List Format

2008-07-26T07:17:00.016-05:00

Things I love:
*the obvious transforming power of Christ reflected in someone's life
*quiet time with a little coffee on the side
*fellowship with Believers. (As one charismatic pastor on TBN put it, "There's no ship like fellowship." hehehe)
*words, wonderful words
*watching my children grow and learn
*garage sales and thrift shopping
*a good competition
*proofreading
*authenticity
*floating in my pool by myself

Things I hate:
*coffee aftertaste
*the obvious sexualiztion of TV commercials (and I'm not just talking beer commercials here. pay attention the next time your TV is on. it's disgusting what we are allowing society to feed us.)
*cleaning up my own messes
*making an error
*a dirty kitchen floor
*not being able to sleep
*unreliability

Things I wish i did more:
*write
*exercise
*read my Bible and pray
*see my Bff
*spend quality time with my sisters

Things I wish I did less:
*pee
*eat and drink junk
*get annoyed at my kids and husband
*complain

Things that interest me/make me think:
*Unprotected, the book I just read.
*Psalm 51:16-17 God just keeps bringin' me back to brokenness
*This poem I discovered in high school. why? because it speaks truth. and it hurts.
*the role of hormones in our being
*personalities and contemplating how they form

Things I wish I could do:
*sing
*play the guitar
*write a novel
*run a marathon
*become Dr. Summer (lol, but really)
*be in a play
*wait tables part time

Things that make me cry:
*abortion & all of its effects on our world
*so many children growing up without stable homes
*the Olympics (the elation of winning mixed with the sorrow of loss)
*the thought of losing someone I love

Things that make me laugh:
*seeing the janitor from my junior high school at Dollar Store and him greeting me by name
*the conversations I have with my children. recently Season was pretending that Grayson was her boyfriend. I told her she couldn't marry her brother because he was family. She looked confused, but said, "Yeah, he's too short."
*my diary from elementary school (in the fourth grade I was "allergic" to Mrs. Applegate, and I couple skated for the first time with a boy, lol)
*my sister's stories
*Grayson's little hiney in his underwear & and hearing him talk

Work it out

2008-07-17T17:46:00.005-05:00

Are you daily challenged to take it to the Word? To take what you hear and compare it to the Truth, as the Bereans did? Or are you standing so firmly on church doctrine or momma’s faith that you have yet to really work out your own salvation? As my Dedad would say when he preached, “Do you know that you know that you know?” If you haven’t been pushed to this point in your life where you really have to seek out the Truth for yourself, I challenge you to dig a little deeper.
I grew up in church, surrounded by family who have served God for years. I had no choice but to know who He is. My truth was passed down to me, spoon-fed to me. Obviously this was a blessing, but it was also comfortable and easy to take for granted. I can understand how easy it would be to just believe in another religion if I was raised up that way, because just as Christianity was a way of life for me growing up, so is Islam or Hinduism for others. I think there has to be a point in your life where you question what you believe and why you believe it. I think it is often much easier for someone who is not in the church as such to come to this point, because we churched people just take for granted that we know the truth and may become self-righteous in doing so. We somehow miss the desperation for knowing Him and become secure in the façade of knowing Him because “well, I go to church or I am Baptist or my daddy is a preacher.” There is nothing we can bring to Him that is worthy, except for Christ crucified. And if we don’t get how broken we are before Him, we are very likely to uphold our checklist of rules or passed down "beliefs" above His Word and who He is.
I am naturally skeptical, so I have always questioned. And I had an awesome Sunday school teacher who always met my questions with Scripture. She never tried to get me to believe what she believed, she gave me the Word and let me work it out myself. But not until a few years ago did I really know that I know. I was desperate for change and questioned Him. And He basically asked me, “Do you know that I am real? Do you know what you believe? How do you know that I am Truth? Because if you truly believe in me, then you have to believe every single ounce of my Word. If you doubt my Word, you doubt me.” I had to lay every bit of my unbelief at His feet and ask for forgiveness. I realized I either had to be all in or I was out, that I was either completely, unabashedly for Him or I was against Him. He does not tolerate half-heartedness or indifference. Only then did I really begin to see the power of His Word and really stand on it and not my background or feelings or church doctrines. I really began to search and find the Truth, and my life has not been the same since. My personalization and analysis of who He is came at a time when I was not in “church” really, which I find interesting, just as an aside. People will fail you, churches will fail you, but He and His word do not waiver. Stand firm but never stop working out your salvation. Never stop searching His word. When I hear somebody say something I am not sure about, it is exciting to take it to the Bible and determine the Truth and where I stand in light of that. Graham and I find it interesting (and honestly confusing) how we all read the same scriptures but can come to different conclusions. Some truths or principles we will never really know until we see Him face to face, ( drinking, free will vs. predestination, the spiritual world, for example) and then it won’t matter anyway.
Be confident that you know that you know Him. On the other hand, do not be prideful. Be willing to be challenged and learn from other Christians, aware that you do not know it all. But, do not be pushed around in your beliefs. The Bible tells us to Stand Firm. All I am saying is that I don’t think we can stand firm on truth if we do not know it personally and intimately. Own the Truth. Be possessive of it and obsessive about it. (RAGE!) Pursue Him relentlessly. Let the Word be your backbone.

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:4-5

Vacation 2008 (and song lyrics)

2008-06-19T22:39:00.006-05:00

I have determined not to bore my few readers with too much "kid" talk anymore (which, for the record, may be difficult). So, I won't go through the detailed version of our family vacation. So, just a random list instead. Though if you enjoy seeing pics of my peeps, there is a link in the sidebar.

* Vacation with little ones can be difficult. Staying up late, messing with their routines, going all day long. After three days of it, they are exhausted, as are we. I don't know if it was worth it, or if they will even remember it. I know there were moments that they were elated and excited about what we were doing; regardless, I just kept thinking I know I'm going to miss this. I don't want to get stuck on the negative, i.e. whining, diarrhea, money spent, time stuck in the car, repetitive phrases, McDonalds. This phase of life is taxing at times, but I already grieve it's end. Grayson's sweet little voice, his passion for all things fuel-powered, his belief that Mommy can make it better, Season's beautiful face making it's way out from underwater, her belief that I am basically perfect (though I did embarass her by dancing in the bathroom "Mo-om Stop!"). Yep, I'm gonna miss this.

* Speaking of song lyrics, they can really get ahold of your mind. For years and years. And they will show up when you least expect it. Like when your two-year-old says "Back to the Hotel," and all you can think of is a terribly sinful rap song. I checked the lyrics just now (please don't do that) and was grossed-out. I told Graham how awful it was....his response: "Well, I can't think of any other reason a gangsta' would want to go back to the hotel. Sure not to swim." Nevertheless, "back to the hotel" was a phrase we heard a lot! (for swimming purposes of course)

*Graham has decided that McDonald's and Wal-Mart are taking over the world. And Starbuck's too. Monday nite we went to our McDonald's and Season wanted a Happy Meal because she was set on getting the Kung Fu Panda prize they were advertising. So when she opened the Meal and got a Speedracer prize instead, she wasn't very Happy. She couldn't understand why they would tell you one thing and and then give you something else. Hmmm, welcome to the real world baby. I tried to explain false advertisement, and finally just said they were liars. lol oh, another song lyric to tie to this randomness....You can't always get what you want

*I have decided that Season will cease wearing swimsuits at the age of ten or younger if I so see fit. In fact, swimsuits should probably just be outlawed. What would be wrong with just a tank top and shorts? How old-fashioned am I? We got an eyeful of them at the waterpark. I threw up in my mouth a few times watching the boys watch the girls. At one time Graham asked, "Is that somebody's mom?" It made me laugh. But, yeah that is somebody's mom or daughter. Modesty should be important as Christians. Now I don't think we have to take it this far. However, our outside must be a reflection of our hearts for Him. Solutions, anyone?

*I'll conclude with this pic of my man. He insisted we pull over and get this shot. If I made a big deal every time I saw my name in print....

2008-06-07T15:31:00.003-05:00

Unfortunately, I am reminded everyday that I am a sinner saved by grace by the simple fact that the above statement shared by Mr. Bunny is my natural tendency. No, Mr. Ray Comfort, I am not a good person.

The love of Jesus is amazing. He watches us mess up again and again, and His love is just as overwhelming and unfailing the last time we fail as it was the first.

I, on the other hand, ask like Peter did, "uh, Lord, how many times do I have to watch people make the same mistake before I can just cross them off my list? How many times do I have to pretend that I believe the facade they present." And, He gently reminds me that He keeps me on His list.

1 Peter 4:7 says to be "clear minded and self-controlled so that [I] can pray." I cannot allow my mind to be infiltrated by resentfulness, confusion, or trying to figure out why people do what they do. I cannot act on my fleshly tendencies to want to behave in an unChrist-like manner based on what other people do. I have to pray for myself and others. I can't pray unless I am "clear-minded and self-controlled."

1 Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." The Scripture doesn't give me a list of people I should love deeply, or "fervently" as the KJV says. Nope, I can't choose to love only certain people. I am just called to love. In loving like Jesus, we cover over sin!? Wow. The love of Jesus is perfect. It is, as Shelly read in Lifegroup, 1Corinthians 13. The question is not can I do it, but will I do it? (Because His Word says I can) If I want perfect peace, If I want to see my brothers and sisters in Christ in perfect peace, I have to love. I have to constantly lay my natural tendencies at His feet because He is searching my heart and my mind and He, the almighty God of everything, the One who truly covers over my sin, He knows my motives (1Chronicles28:9) He sees right through the facade. That strikes the fear of God in me.

Just because...

2008-05-30T19:36:00.003-05:00

It makes me guffaw. and it was made for Graham by a family friend in 1980. and his momma was trying to sale it in a garage sale today. Poor Bert or is it Ernie? Either way he just looks so sweet and humble waiting for you to take his head off and grab some cookies.

Parties, Progeny, & Prayer

2008-05-26T20:24:00.013-05:00

Well, we had a good time yesterday. But then we do fratenize with some peculiar people, the likes of which are pictured below. I seriously wish everyday was a holiday and we could just hang out and play games and talk and eat while our kids ran around naked in the backyard creating water parks.

Ok, so I'm changing the subject. My girl is a graduate! What a stinkin' ordeal just to get outta preschool. Don't even get Graham started. But the kids had fun and felt special, and that was the point, I think? Season was a cutie in her poodle skirt, and I was quite proud of her for getting on the stage and actually "performing" for others. (One of my fears is that my children will be painfully shy, like my sister and I were.) I am both excited and nervous about "real" school starting. I know once she gets in the school groove, she will love it and be an awesome student, but I'm so going to miss her. Season and Bubba at her school party.

At graduation with her friend Kaydee

Dancing At the Hop

Season - class of 2021

Grayson told me that Jesus and God live in his belly button. And then he held his belly and said "OOOWWWWWW!" When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "God bites." hehehe so cute. He has also known for several months that he is having his birthday party (in July) at the swimming pool. He has terrorized the whole family and also random people at times talking about it. His favorite question as of late is "When my birthday be open?" And what an interesting ride is potty training a boy. We have peed so many places outside lately (And when I say we I mean Grayson with a little help from me), and I am beginning to think it might be slightly bad decorum. Yes, I think I have just made that decision, no more peeing outside unless it is in my own backyard, or the grandparents' backyard, or maybe a friend's backyard, and okay the ballpark, that's okay, right? Look, I am just happy that he is doing it.

Speaking of my children, I want to share some scripture that I have somewhat paraphrased to pray specifically for my children. Colossians 1:9-14 -
Since the day you were born we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. We pray this so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience and joyfully give thanks to the Father who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light for He has rescued you from the dominion of darkness and brought you into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom you have redemption Amen. I'm claiming it.

2008-05-10T23:09:00.006-05:00

Does anyone know how to avoid being covered in puke when you have a two-year-old with the virus? oh. my. ugh. Thankfully, he is almost back to his happy-go-lucky self today.

My family girls and I went on a mini shopping trip this past weekend. In addition to Ikea and Garden Ridge, we went to The Dump, which ain't just any Dump.

Our trip required much gallivanting, and my sister's Garmin made that totally rock! It's hard not to think about the way God works when using a GPS. Everytime you took a wrong turn, a women's voice on the Garmin would say, "Recalculating." God knows our beginning and our ending; and I think that He gives us the choice on the stuff in between. Not that He doesn't know already what choice we will make, but that maybe somewhere He has our "perfect"course mapped out and everytime we choose wrong He says, "Hmmm, ok, recalculating." Don't misunderstand, I have no idea how God really works. He is much too high for my brain matter. But I do know that He will work all the wrong turns and u turns of our life together for good if we delight in Him.

My child has issues. Issues with loud noises and chaos. The whole time we were eating at Pappadeaux(obviously pronounced papadoughs not Papaducks unless you're my sister) she had her ears plugged with her little fingers, her big beautiful eyes jetting to and fro every corner of that place. It was insanity in there with sooo many people talking, standing around gabbing at the bar, plus it was so dark in there you literally had no idea whether you were eating shrimp or clam until you bit into it. Anyway, she was seriously unable to function while trying to understand this environment. My sheltered little girl....

Cuttin' it

2008-05-05T21:39:00.010-05:00

I learned today that offering to mow the yard is an aphrodisiac to my husband. I was actually surprised that he allowed me to do it, and by "it" I mean cut the grass, as the first and last time I mowed I ran over something I shouldn't have.

It took me about an hour and a half to do the whole yard, during which time I listened to Mr. Todd Friel at a decibel I'm sure was inappropriate for my earholes. I began to enjoy the manual labor (it is still manual if you are riding, right?), getting some sun, sweating a bit, looking back and seeing the progress I'd made, that is until I began sneezing uncontrollably which led me to pee my pants, I mean you know just a little cause I'm over 30 and pushed out two kids and things like that just start to happen unfortunately. ugh! Anyway, Graham was appreciative of my labor, mostly I think because he is in-love with his land. And the fact that I paid his land some attention made him happy. Lately, most of our conversations go like this:

Me: Hey sweetie-pie honey bun hot stuff! How was your day?

Him: Oh, it's great being that I have so many hours of daylight left to work my land.

Me: You should have seen your son today. He is so funny.

Him: Did you see the land? Doesn't it look awesome there where I cleared out all those stinkin' oak trees?

Me: Uh, yeah. Anyway we went to the library today and then visited my grandparents.

Him: I think I'll get on the four-wheeler and drive around a few hours staring at the land.

Me: so what do ya want for dinner dear?

Him: Did you see the pile of brush that I'm gonna burn later? It's going to look so much better when I get that done. By the way, do you wanna do it later?

Me: do you mean cut the grass?

this is where he wants to put the house

Ok ok so I exaggerate a tad. But, he is very passionate about working the land. In fact, Season said he should just marry it. lol I do love that he is so focused on something and does whatever he is doing with a ragingawesome tenacity. He wants us to have a home that we can share and enjoy the rest of our life together. I want to continue to be patient in the meantime and be a helpmeet in whatever way I can. I pray that we can keep our God-focus most of all.

check the beautimous shirt my bfffffff created for me.

CONVICTED

2008-04-18T17:19:00.004-05:00

Our justice system sometimes convicts people for things they did not do. But when the Holy Spirit convicts, no jury is needed. If you are feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit, you may as well stop running from it because there is no doubt that you are guilty. Ouch. Why does it sting so bad? I think it's that in being convicted by God you know what He is showing you is truth. And it hurts to admit that we have been wrong. We don't want to admit that we have flaws, or atleast I don't. It's easy to look at somebody else and see their imperfections, but when the finger is pointed at ourself, we like to look over our shoulder and avoid it.

So that's how I felt last week when God grabbed ahold of me as I read some random blog. By the time I got to the end of said random blog, I was wiping away tears of conviction, remorse and sadness. Now, I don't expect everyone felt this way after reading it, but the young man in her recount made me instantly think of my husband. Graham is that man everywhere he goes--always looking for a way to help. The author's explanation of how the young man's simple gesture affected her so deeply made me feel so ugly as so many times I have such a sorry attitude when Graham is helping somebody else (i.e. not me). I don't think about how his actions may be speaking to others, only that I am somehow feeling ignored by him (Ugh!). When he is being kind, I am not thinking about how God may be glorified through Graham's willingness; I am only thinking about how he is not focused on me at the time. It made me sick to my stomach to think of how selfish I have been, and of all things, I DO NOT want to be selfish! But, I have been. Maybe not blatantly, but in my thoughts as I think "What about me?" instead of "What about God?" My attitude not only hurt Graham, but it stood between me and God.

I had to apologize to Graham. I want to be completely supportive of his actions for Christ. I usually get irritated when we go out and he not only opens the door for me but a whole multitude behind me. I keep walking and talking and as I look back, I realize I am talking to myself and there's Graham holding the door smiling and greeting the people. I shouldn't keep walking. I should be standing right beside him with a friendly smile as well. I remember one time we went shopping and as we were leaving the store, a woman with a toddler was struggling to carry this huge plastice drawer thingie. I actually got slightly perturbed when Graham took time away from me to help this woman carry the drawer to her car. I wasn't thinking of the joy Graham was bringing to God or the impact he might be having on the woman.

I hate admitting that I am that selfish at times, but I also know that I am not alone in my selfishness. It just manifests differently in all of us as we all struggle to die daily to Christ. So, conviction is pain, but I love that He loves us enough to meet us right where we are, to show the areas that most definitely need improvement. He wants us to be all we can in Him...to pursue righteousness. In order to do that, we must listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit however He chooses to speak to us and be willing to scrape out what does not belong--to replace selfishness with self-sacrifice, replace a sorry attitude with a cheerful heart. I like that the guilt of conviction is fleeting. He does not want us condemned. He just points it out and if you are willing to recieve it, swallow the fact that you are not perfect, He then replaces that guilt with joy because of His amazing sacrifice.
He must become greater. I must become less.

Caught Red-handed

2008-04-11T09:10:00.005-05:00

This was Season's explanation to coloring her entire hand with a red marker: "It was an accident," which was then followed by a mound of supposedly repentful tears. But since she is five and we were in a good mood, her dad and I just laughed. In fact, Graham told her to color the other hand green so could play "Stop and Go" on the playground with the kids at school.
But how many times do we use the same silly excuse with God when our sins finally find us out. Except our excuses sound more like this: "Well, I only did it one time." or "I didn't think it would happen to me." or "That's not what I intended to happen," and so on and so on. We have a plethora of sorry explanations, but all we are saying is that our sins are somehow an accident and not our fault.
But just like Season who has always been tempted where markers are concerned--she loves to color outside the lines, far outside the lines--we too know where we are tempted and so does the devil. Satan wants to devour us(1 Peter 5:8) and we choose to give him a foothold(Eph. 4:27) And I'm not just talking about the obvious public sins. If I am tempted to sleep late and then forego devotion, rushing through my day trying to get everything done, yelling and getting mad at my kids because they are getting in my way. This is a sin just as is murder (obviously the consequences are different)and neither are an accident. God sees my choice to sleep rather than set Him as a priority. You might as well paint my hand red. Anytime He is not our focus and our own fleshly needs take precedence, it is sin and for the most part, I believe it is deliberate.
Don't put yourself in the way of temptation, whatever that looks like for you. Don't make excuses when you get caught. Instead fall at His feet, admit your sin with a truly repentful heart and turn from your wicked ways. Don't sit by yourself in a room full of markers with no lids. God will never laugh when we fail, when we knowingly choose to sin. No, because we have the Holy Spirit to lead us moment by moment and He knows the pain it took to wipe out our sin. He was beaten and bruised for our iniquity. I often wonder if He feels that pain still. I am always reminded of a saying I learned when I was in junior high: Sin, it takes you further than you ever intended to go, keeps you longer than you ever intended to stay, and costs you more than you ever intended to pay.

Jesus said "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

Highlights

2008-02-27T16:21:00.013-06:00

Friday night dinner out with our Baker friends without our kids thanks to Granna and Pappy. Wow. We actually carried on a conversation for longer than ten minutes for the first time in like five years. We went to the River or the Peach Orchard, whatever you prefer to call it, which we decided must be the most Redneck place on the planet. None of us had been there in years (we frequented it often before kids) Anyway, it is now a no-smoking establishment, but the fish baskets are much smaller. I'm not sure if the two are related, but....oh and Christy and I were quite tempted by the pastel pink T-shirts they had for sale with their slogan on it. Just what my life has been missing, a Doug's Peach Orchard t-shirt. hmmmmmm. Good food and Good friends. The only negative to the night was that I broke a tooth while chomping on a hush puppy of all things!? What does that mean? I now have two broken teeth in my mouth, one on each side, makes for some interesting steak chewing.

Saturday my sisters dropped in and supplied pizza for lunch. Free pizza is always a blessing as is a few hours shared with my sisters even if we are doing absolutely nothing. I often feel disconnected from them because we are in different places in our lifes, but I wish I could express to them how much a part of me they are. Anyway, being with them makes me happy, even if my sister did get ticked at me the next day because I told her it was tacky because you could see her bra through her shirt. (in my defense she did ask for my opinion) It is tacky, isn't it? She said everyone knows you are wearing a bra anyway. Yeah, everyone knows you have boobs too, so why are we covering them up? lol So, I've had similar discussions with friends about pantylines. To thong or not to thong. lol Well this highlight got way off track.

Sunday after the usual teaching of the Sunday School to the preschoolers and awesome praise/worship service, we enjoyed a message preached by an evangelist. As he started his sermon, I wasn't really paying attention. I'm sure I was digging in my purse for a fingernail file. I knew he was rattling off Scripture, which is not unusual at all as we are sitting in a churchhouse. But my sister tapped me on the shoulder and said "Did you know he is not using a Bible?" So I sat there for another few minutes in astonishment. He never used a Bible the whole sermon, and he quoted chapter verse more Scripture than I've heard in months of sermons. Not only would he quote the particular Scripture, but he would also quote the Scripture it referenced if it did. And he was some kind of character. He is from Oklahoma, but at times he would use an English accent and at others he rolled his R's as if he were Hispanic. Quite entertaining, and if you could get past all that, he preached a great sermon. I mean I don't really remember what it was, but he was anointed nonetheless (is "anointed" just a word used by Pentecostals?...just wondering)

Monday is pick-up the house day, as is every day, but the house seems to be especially messy after the weekend. I reinstated the kids' daily Bible study and was surprised by how excited they were about it. They have reminded me that we have to do it each day since. Oh, and I was quite proud of myself for getting some sewing projects finished. And when I say project, I mean sewing buttons back on pants. I procrastinate things like that that I don't really want to do but always feel such relief in actually getting it done. And then I wonder why I didn't do the particular project so much earlier. Story of my life.

Tuesday is Grayson's favorite day of the week. We drop Season off at school and usually get donuts and piggies for breakfast. Later that morning it is time for the library program. I think he looks so forward to it because it is the first thing that he has done by himself without tagging along with Season. He asks every few hours every day, "We go to libary togam today and get backpack?" I love seeing him interacting with the other kids and participating without me forcing him to (which took a few weeks). Then we wasted some time at Wal-Mart until time to get Season. Looked at all the trucks in the toy section and when he asked for something I told him to tell Gran Gran he wanted for his birthday. His only prize was a King size Reese's, which worked out well for me too.

Wednesday lifegroup day. But before that the kids and I managed to make it to the park and have a McDonald's picnic. And it tired Grayson out and he thankfully came home and took a nap without a fight! Yea quiet time! I do love having lifegroup in our home. What a special thing it is to be surrounded by friends as we delve into His Word. And I told Graham tonight it is still so strange to hear him talking about God as he does. His excitement about what God has done in his life and continues to do has not ceased. He loves the Lord passionately and truly wants to share Him with the whole world. I am so proud of him. Definitely worth highlighting.

Happy Birthday to Jew!

2008-02-17T23:06:00.005-06:00

This is the phrase I heard several times from my boy Sunday! So now I am a very mature 31. So surreal, but in a good way. I felt very special on my birthday, even though my man was sick. (he tried to pretend he wasn't, which really made him even more pitiful) I was blessed by several happy birthday phone calls and myspace wishes, see myspace is good for something...)as well as the always loved cards with money
Graham's mom blessed me with a great lunch complete with my favorites And I am so in love with my new perfume they gave me too
We finished our night as a family watching the finale of our new favorite show. Now I am a little torn about whether it is the best thing to be promoting, but we have had so much fun watching the kids impersonate the dadiators as Grayson calls them. Oh, and the Akins brought me a half-eaten cake. (It didn't look like this) which seems rude if you are unaware of the fact that the 17th was also Ty's birthday, and then it totally rocks. The next morning as I checked my email, I was shocked by a "postcard" from Mr. Jon Bon Jovi. Yes, I said Jon Bon Jovi. He literally rocks and so does my BFF Rose btw. So, I am totally excited about the concert and can't wait to see what other kind of freaks are Bon Jovi fans! I've got to freshen up on all his lyrics before April 14th so I can sing every word at the top of my lungs as I do the running man. Yeah, you know me. I have always wanted to go to a Bon Jovi concert, so this is a silly dream come true for me. I don't even listen to his music anymore, but I'll be there for you just did something for my life, lol. So thank you to my friends and family for making my day special! Love!

My little scary bear.

Mommy and Season Sunday morn.

Beyond Measure

2008-02-14T22:22:00.007-06:00

I know that I've been given more than Beyond Measure. I have not experienced the tragedy that Jeremy Camp has(lost his first wife to cancer), but I do not need tragedy in order to realize these blessings for which I am unworthy. My life is full of love, no matter where I look, I am surrounded. Many times I ask why? Why is my life so lovely? A question that has no answer. I want to boast only of Him who gave His life that I might have redemption and this awesome peace...in blessings and if tragedy ensues, I KNOW on whom I stand and I KNOW
"that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given you control"

Hope all had a rockin' Valentines day! And that you choose to see Love all around no matter your circumstances.

A Valentines Day Nap....

The Best Part of Waking Up

2008-02-09T15:11:00.001-06:00

I am laying on the couch after a day of doctor visits and shopping
for roller skates. Grayson piles on top of me with his blankie,
covering up both of us. He grabs my face and says, "Mommy you're
tute(i.e. cute). You my fweetheart!" Yes, yes I am forever and always.

IDK

2008-02-07T23:09:00.000-06:00

Waxing poetic is cool
In theory. Deep Soulful Mysterious
But gashes galore.

Spring forth thematic eruptions
On the surface. Divine Serene Mystical
Buried before brokenness.

Envious of word play
Shallow stuff. Devious Sinister Mischievous
But not the malady.

A vain attempt
Should follow. Daring Senseless Minute
Ineffective before experience.

Lost in clumsy thoughts
thwarted contemplation. Dead Stagnant Mute
In your dreams.

I'm a College Drop-Out.

2008-01-24T17:00:00.000-06:00

And I feel so free!

So, yeah, I dropped all of my classes today. Inner turmoil over attacking my first ten-page paper of the semester began plaguing me as soon as I read my syllabus. I couldn't bring myself to even attempt it because, sadly, I didn't freakin' want to. Yesterday, I finally confronted myself and analyzed the situation. I didn't want to be a quitter simply because graduate school was a challenge. I didn't want to be a quitter simply because sometimes I'm lazy and don't want to read a book about counseling ethics. So, I didn't want to give myself the easy way out. That's not how I roll. I quit because I want to be the best wife and mom I can (through Christ obviously) and I had to be honest that I couldn't continue to do that and also be successful at the student thing. I hate that I can't, but I honestly don't know how anybody else is able to do it either. Something or someone has to be compromised, just like it would if I had a job instead of staying at home. I know that God has given me a specific vision, but His timing is different than mine. I must rest easy in that and not try to do things in my own power. With constant due dates, I felt like I was walking around with a fog hanging over my head all of the time. I feel almost guilty saying that I quit simply because I did not want to deal with the stress of it anymore, as I know there are so many stressed-out people these days. But mine was self-induced. (so is a lot of other people's for that matter) Anyways, it's not fair to my kids for me to be in a bad mood because I'm dreading a paper. They are only this age for a vapor, and I want to enjoy them and for them to have memories of a peaceful home with a mom who loved her family without being constantly distracted. So, I am really excited about marking out all of the due dates in my calendar, and doing nothing but being momma and wife, and serving whomever God may put in my path.

God-Promise

2008-01-21T00:42:00.001-06:00

Promise from God to my sister and anyone else suffering heartache and grief.......

HE WILL TURN YOUR MOURNING INTO DANCING

HE WILL TURN YOUR SORROW INTO JOY

This is how we overcome

Keep your eyes on Jesus.....This is how we overcome.

He is faithful and He is just. In Him there is always Hope.

Jesus says in John 16:33 (summer's version)"There will be pain in this life. But in me you can have peace. Relax. Be still. I have overcome the world."

This is how we overcome.

Psalm 30 is just awesome.....just so ya know.

The Year

2008-01-05T16:45:00.001-06:00

My first thought upon being awakened this morning by a two-year-old screaming for juice was “Wow that was a whacked-out dream!” My next thought was “Why is the phrase whacked-out in my vocabulary my being a normal thirty-year-old white non-toking Christian woman?” But, seriously don’t you wonder where those strange dreams we have originate? You know, if there is any down time in Heaven, I will definitely be talking to Jesus about that topic. I’m sure He is very concerned with it. Anyway, yeah, deep thoughts.

Well, as 2008 has officially begun, I guess I will be like everybody else, ‘cause that’s the kind of person I am, and reflect on 2007. Mostly, for me, it was the year that I realized I am really for reals an adult. I mean I knew it before but now, there is no turning back.

*The year of the birthday: 30th birthday to be exact. I am 30--It is hard to say. I remember being a teen and thinking that 30 was soooo old, but I don’t feel old, I mean except when my knee catches when I try to get out of a chair and when I can’t run around the bases without pulling a muscle. Shut up I am not out of shape! But I’m cool with 30. I will still wear my cheesy saying t-shirts and printed socks. I will still say freakin’(and whacked-out) and I will still roll down hills and play headphones with my friends. But, because I am 30, I will not wear skirts above the knee or expose my stomach or dye my hair purple. And I will try to stop blowing bubbles when I chew gum and giggling at stupid jr. high jokes.

*The year of the anniversary: 10 years together. We’ve got this marriage thing down…it is my security, my safe place. We are in the same place finally, ready to look to the future whatever it may hold and willing to learn from each other and change the things that need to be changed. We get each other and the roles we have to fulfill in order to be successful in our marriage for years to come. Gag gag gag I know. Truth nonetheless. And we finally made a budget together. Ten years and finally we can talk about money lol

*The year of the school party: ugh…..school parties! Anyway, so Season started preschool this year and I have to be the mom and stand around with the other moms at the holiday parties. I don’t know why but that just brings me to the realization that both she and I are getting older and changing. I can only reflect now on her babyhood. So many more plateaus to come in the lives of my children. Am I ready? Are they ready? Am I doing everything I can each and every day to help them to become mature and responsible in Christ? And as they enter school and all the other things like t-ball, gymnastics, etc., I have to remember that is the goal. Not for them to be like the world, but for them to be like Christ.

*The year of the drop: I dropped one of my classes this past semester. It was pivotal for me because first of all I had never dropped a course before. And second of all because it was admitting I couldn’t do something I had set out to do or at least not as well as I wanted to. Again, I had to admit I was getting old, that I can’t stay up all night working on papers anymore. That college, and a master’s degree is no longer a top priority in my life as it was when I was younger. In working my brain to death, I was ignoring a dream I had already realized without even knowing I had the dream, and it has nothing to do with knowledge, degrees or dollars.

*The year of the purple: I painted my kitchen walls purple! Yea! And I still love it. For me, it wasn’t just about painting the walls. It was about making a decorating decision in my home all by myself without being influenced to do it the safe and acceptable way (or the way Graham would do it lol) And it made me so happy when it actually looked good! Or at least that’s what people tell me to my face. I have many more plans for paint on my walls now. And it is fun to know that my home can actually reflect who I am.

So, 2007 was a year of turning points. I am excited for 2008 as things continue to change. Obviously I have goals. And they all involve that dreaded discipline word that we all know I have problems with. I know that first and foremost I want to continue to strive to be what God wants me to be in everything ‘cause when I am 90 years old and I look back on my life, that's all that will matter.

Confession

2007-12-22T21:59:00.000-06:00

I am a thief. There. I said it. Or I was a thief for like five minutes. So does that still qualify as an official thief? That's what I was asking God anyway right after I grabbed my receipt and my buggy and noticed the two dollar and fifty cent cupcakes sitting there so innocently under my big honkin' purse. The cupcakes were for a good cause, my cousin's birthday, so doesn't that make it okay to just go ahead and slip quietly out the door without paying for them. After all, lol, I am a good person. That's what I thought as I held Grayson on my hip and stared sweetly straight into the eyes of the Wal-Mart lady standing at the exit checking receipts of people who ding when they walk out. I sailed right past the dinger thinking how easy it is for a smiling mom with cute kids to steal. Unfortunately for the devil in me, I had promised Season we would rent a movie at the Redbox machine right outside the door. So, I had to stop, which meant I had time to think (stupid conscience!) I tried to bargain with God. "I'll pay for them next time!" "I mean, it's not as if I had the intention to steal them when I picked them up. It was a sheer oversight. An innocent accident." "The lines! God the lines are soooooo loooong!" Anyway, that's kind of how it went during the few minutes that it took to rent Underdog. I really just did not want to go back into that stressful moneyhole. It took me hours just to find the shortest check-out, which just so happened to be the self check-out, which, let's be honest, usually takes longer. There is a definite technique to the scanning. One that's not so easy to perfect with the help of two-year-old. Anyway, I did. Go back in. I left my basket outside and told the Wal-Mart exit greeter lady that I "forgot" to pay for the cupcakes. Luckily, God smiled on me and I didn't even have to wait in line. I went back in because I stopped. I stopped long enough to consult with God. Pausing is good. Think before you leap. Oh wait it's look before you leap. I took time to think about what my actions revealed and how they would affect me. Would the effects of stealing two dollar cupcakes be massive? Not outwardly, but I knew, for me, I wouldn't be able to get away from it. Every time I faced God, I would be reminded of my internal ugliness. oh wait. That happens anyway. I'm beginning to ramble. What I am trying to say is I'm a sinner saved by grace. I'm ugly. I'm a thief. Thank God he replaces my ashes with His beauty.

BTW-I didn't even eat a bite of the stupid cupcakes. But I took a moment to pose with the instigators, just in case you were beginning to think that I am not a dork.

Birthdays and Bliss

2007-12-14T18:47:00.001-06:00

This past month has been busy and fun-filled for us. The first of November marked the tenth year of marriage for me and my man. Ten years of wedded bliss…I’m sorry but that phrase makes me laugh and wanna throw up all at the same time. Not that there haven’t been moments of bliss or as my favorite dictionary says moments of being on cloud nine or in seventh heaven. But I’m afraid too many people go into marriage with the idea that bliss will just overtake their life, when in reality marriage is about doing life--good, bad, and ugly-- side by side (or, okay, one tiny step behind your man if you want to get all Biblically-technical about it!) It’s about putting the person you love before yourself, accepting him unconditionally, and encouraging and supporting him. To me, it’s about putting him and our marriage in God’s hands and laying my selfishness at His feet. And I’ve only really learned this the last two years, and am still not perfect at putting it into practice. The first ten years were definitely a learning experience, but so worth the end result. Graham and I are happier than we’ve ever been, serving God together, and seeking to be what He wants us to be both individually and as a couple. Sorry if I am making you sick with our blissfulness….hehehe. Believe me, we annoy each other like crazy. Our personalities and ways of seeing things our pretty much opposite, so yeah, we definitely have our disagreements. Give and take. But, I am so excited about the future! We celebrated ten years with a ski trip to Colorado. Graham loves to ski and is pretty good at it. I, on the other hand, can ski but not so good. Fear seems to overtake me at the top of every mountain. Many parallels to life abound in skiing for me. Graham hits the top and doesn’t slow down ‘til he gets to the bottom. I tend to take it a little at a time, slowly but with a focus. (Which is seriously a much more painful way to ski, but I am skeered to go fast!) I don’t think our ways of skiing necessarily mirror the way we attack life, but, okay I’ll stop being deep. Anyway, we had fun skiing. The mountains are absolutely majestic! The air is crisp and clear and the pure white snow unmuddied by the world is heavenly. After finally finishing up a difficult semester of classes, my vacation was more about being able to relax, so I spent some time in the hotel room by myself and Graham got to ski the Blacks by himself. He met some interesting people on the lifts, of course. And I did nothing! Loved it. Driving home(15 hours I might add)was even fun, planning a financial budget for the year and singing to the radio (Chicago rocks), giving shout-outs to Quanah Parker and even Baby Jesus,lying in the middle of a courthouse lawn.

Season celebrated her fifth birthday on Dec. 2nd. So, ten years of marriage and five years of parenting….wow. Most of the time I feel like I’ve been doing both forever, but then sometimes I feel like such a novice, bumbling around trying to figure out how in the world to do it right. It’s a cliché, but I cannot believe my baby is 5! Though I thought it strange, she wanted a penguin party, and of course a sleepover. And because yes I am crazy, I let her invite ten friends and family to spend the night. I think they all had fun, and it really wasn’t that difficult, except at bedtime. It took two hours to finally get all of them to sleep at the same time. I kept imagining that they were really all mine, which was a scary thought at first. But then I thought about all of the help I would have if I trained ‘em up just right. If I had ten kids, after about five years, I could just sit on the couch all day while the older ones took care of everything. Yep, it would be great. Tunnel vision. Anyway, Graham of course came up with the entertainment, a scavenger hunt and air mattress gymnastics. He is a fun daddy.

At the present, we are trying to potty train Grayson. He and Graham have actually been in the bathroom for about an hour. Apparently things are not coming out so well. But, Graham was so excited today. He has been working for TxDot for ten years and was recognized today for his service. Here he is pictured with his colossal award.
Obviously he has been an excellent employee.

Aren't you glad that we will ultimately recieve our just rewards in heaven?

Lost

2007-11-19T10:54:00.000-06:00

Imagine you awaken in a room of darkness, black darkness so thick you can feel it as you reach out in search of the familiar. Darkness that causes you to cry out with sheer terror. Darkness that causes you to call out in fear because you are blind to all of your surroundings. Your heart beats uncontrollable. Your palms sweat profusely. Your screams go unheard. No one comes to your rescue. And slowly your eyes become accustomed to the darkness that envelopes you. You manage to find your way inside the black pit of night that you have found yourself in. It becomes part of you. Though you wonder why and how you got to that dark place, you no longer try to escape. You are no longer fearful, though a slight discomfort constantly invades your soul, as if you are bumping into things in the night. Frequently, you are again caught off guard by the darkness, but it always becomes your companion once more.

Suddenly out of nowhere you glimpse a light. A light so bright that it swallows the darkness that has become you and causes you to long for more. The light is fleeting, not wanting to stay long in the pit that is you. As you see the light looking for an escape you grab it and manage to steal a fragment of the brightness. But it doesn’t satisfy. Each time you close your eyes and open them again, you are fearful once more, in search of the little piece of light you found. The darkness is beguiling, convincing you that it just doesn’t get any brighter. Eventually your fragment burns out. You are left alone. Now your terror is unsettling. The light haunts you there in your pit of darkness. Why doesn’t someone reach out to you? Are you so lost that they can’t find you? Can they not shine their light into your black soul? You know the Light is out there, but you are drowning in a lake of black night. Your insides scream with restlessness. You are unable to move, isolated. You will remain there, waste away there. Helpless, lost, abandoned, forgotton because no one was willing to share the Light.

God, I want to share You. Rid me of my pride. Scrape away every part of me that is not You, so I can shine Your Light with boldness to those living in darkness. Because the truth is, without You, I am just a soul of night, too.

God gives...

2007-11-04T15:01:00.000-06:00

Do you ever look at your kids? No, I mean really stop and breathe in every ounce of who God made them. Why do we get so busy that we forget to do this? I'm with mine pretty much 24/7, and I "overlook" them all of the time in lieu of homework, cleaning up, and general unimportant details. I don't want to. I want every day to be a day of standing in awe of what God has given me. My children's beauty and being often catches me off guard. It humbles me. Tucking Grayson in the other night I stared at him for the longest, telling him what a miracle he was. He kissed me as tears rolled down my face in thankfulness for what I do not deserve. It's as if God has to grab me by the shoulders sometimes and shake me and say "LOOK! They are what really matters in this life! Mother them as if you are mothering me!" If I was born for nothing else, I was born to be their mom and to be a wife to Graham. God has given me other things to "do," other people to love, but He always bring me back to Himself and then my little family for true contentment and joy. And that's what this week has been to me...a time of refreshing with my family. Graham was able to take off of work a few days, and we just hung out as a family. We had a picnic and silly fun at the park(some pics in sidebar). Friday we took Season to see the Bee Movie. Saturday the girls stayed busy at home, while the men did "men" things, you know burn stuff and build stuff. Graham and I even got to watch both of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies after the kids went to bed, and we finally booked a small vacation for our tenth anniversary.
This life bring ups and downs physically, emotionally, circumstantially. I do not want to take this "up" for granted. Because the truth is, it could all come crashing down tomorrow. This life is a vapor, as my husband often reminds me. And our God is no respecter of persons. Sorry, I don't intend to be a Debbie Downer, as my sister calls me, just a realist. So, yeah, I am thankful and overwhelmed by His blessings.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

Saturday afternoon.

2007-10-20T22:49:00.000-05:00

Saturday we pulled out the paints and had some fun. Thought I'd share our final products...

I call this uh.."Saturday afternoon." I know, I know
the pure creative genius of each stroke is overwhelming.

Grayson loves to paint, or uh dump out paint....

all over himself. It looks tragic, huh.
He enjoyed washing it all off with the waterhose, too.

My big girl. She calls the one on the left "Big Dipper"
and the one on the right "Pool." I love how she really
thinks about what she is painting, and explained each painting
to me as she did it.

This has nothing to do with anything, but if you are a lover of the words as I am, you will so enjoy this cool dictionary. Try it. It's fun. Yes, dictionaries can be fun!

It ends well.

2007-10-11T15:40:00.000-05:00

I can only think randomly as of late, too much swimming inside my head to really focus on one thing. That’s why it’s been a whole month since my last post! So, I thought I would make a “random” list so maybe you can really get an idea of what it’s like to live inside my head. Scary thought, huh? I think that is how I cope, don’t focus on anything for too long so as to not get lost in it. I think that’s why school has been so difficult for me lately. Writing 10-page papers takes focus, and it’s just something that my lazy self does not want to do right now. So in honor of my thought process, a random list.

1. I am so hacked off at people who see the need to display a life-size Freddy Krueger in their yard. Is that entirely necessary? Especially when I know these people have children under the age of ten. Is that really what you want in their heads? I know it’s Halloween or whatever, but making a graveyard in your front yard? Why is that acceptable? I don’t have a problem with letting my kids participate in Halloween through dress-up, trick-or-treating, or the carnivals that abound during that time, but when I have to drive by a stinkin’ Freddy Kreuger waving at me everyday just to get home, that I have a problem with. And I don’t even live on Elm Street!

2. My boy is the cutest, orneriest, sweetest, silliest person I know. I love him! But he is really good at driving me bananas, and I think he knows it already. In fact I think he intentionally walks around the house and takes inventory, noting things that he can destroy, spread all over the house, or lather all over himself when I’m not looking for a few minutes. I think he is constantly making mental notes to himself like “ok, if I drag that chair over here in front of the sink, I can then reach the faucet. I can turn the water on and fill up the cups and then dump it in the floor! Mom will love that!” Tuesday as I was trying to get ready to go to the Pregnancy Center, he had toilet papered his whole room, taken the hand soap from the bathroom and slathered it in his hair, and gathered a stack of DVD’s to take “bye bye.“ Then just for good measure he dumped out his block, legos, and a jar of buttons that he found somewhere. He has so much fun! When we go to Wal-Mart or “Mal-Nart” as he calls it, he yells, very passionately, the name of each item he knows. “Fish!” “Cereal!” “Juice!” He is just such a boy. Something I know very little about. It is such an exciting challenge though. The other night he was coughing a lot, wasn’t sleeping well. I went to his room, asked him if he was okay, patted his head, gave him a kiss. He said, “Thanks Mommy.” The next morning he climbed under the covers with me and snuggled up. Out of the blue he says, “Mommy I love jew(you)” And then struggled to get his arms out of the covers, spread ‘em out, and say, “This much.” Man, little boys know just how to love (and terrorize) their mommies!

3. I am so excited for my friends, the Tefertillers, who leave Saturday for Africa. Keep them in your prayers as they strive to follow God’s lead and share His love outside of the U.S. I so admire their passion for and obedience to our God. Good people, and I love ‘em! I just have this feeling that God is about to reveal how real He is to new people everywhere, from here to Africa! Really! I can literally feel a churning! That sounds so stupid I know, but I’m just excited! Now you may not be able to see it outwardly (that’s not my style lol) but WOW! HE IS SO REAL! Get ready! We had a little party for the T’s last night, and as our awesome friend Terrie read Revelations 9-10 After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb." I was so moved as I envisioned that scene. Think about it. I so want to be there, don’t you?

Well, I had a lot more randomness goin' on, but thinking about Jesus and worshipping Him in our home in Heaven kind of rids your mind of all the clutter.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth
Psalm 57:5

Awesomeness

2007-09-11T17:16:00.000-05:00

Today I just want to say that my God is awesome. He is awesome for so many reasons that I am unable to adequately express, but I'm gonna try a few.

1. When you give to Him, He gives back so much more. Graham and I made a pact with God of some sort last week, concerning discipline in our lives. Just a small step really, but our relationship this week has just been fun. We have been able to find joy despite not feeling 100%. We have blessed each other with grace in times that we wouldn't usually. And in my thinking, it's all because of God. We agreed to be more focused on Him, and He, in His overwhelming grace and mercy, decided to pour us down a blessing!

2. He created a beautiful night. Saturday night I stood outside in my driveway just staring up at the sky in childlike amazement. The stars were just Wow! You could like see every single one of them and they seemed as if you could reach out and grab them. They were so visible because there was no moon. The sky was absolutely pitch (whatever that means!) black. We should shine like that in this world. We should sharply contrast with the darkness around us. Hmmmmmm....it's a challenge. I know I'm not "shiney" enough. Thank God He continues to polish us daily.

3. He has a sense of humor. That same night as I admired the stars, I had a conversation with Graham and a good old friend of his. I laughed at them and they wondered why. I didn't laugh because anything was funny but because our conversation was somewhat ironic. Not so many years ago I would have been extremely angry at them and their heathen ways. But not so anymore as we discussed our God and His ways instead.

**Why is God awesome to you? Come on and leave me a comment and brag on Him. Show us some love. hehehehe

Psalm 34 1-3
I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together.

Lappin' it up...

2007-08-29T16:21:00.000-05:00

Well, this may be my last post for a while as my school just started up again. And from my perspective it is hard core. This is my third semester. My third semester to look at all those assignments and feel like I'm drowning while I think “How will I ever get all that completed?” I do honestly love being a student, but I don’t love feeling pressured by due dates! And trying to figure out how and when it will all get done. I do not want to get straight A's but be a bad mom and wife, so I struggle to keep my head above water every semester. And I know, I know, I signed up for this. I am paying for this! Why? Because I know God has some kind of plan He is working on up there. And when I was seeking whether He really wanted me to do this or not, I was like, uh, God don’t you know this is going to be hard, take time, money, etc. blah blah blah. He was like, uh, what? Do you think I’m only supposed to ask you to do easy things? How do you think Moses felt or Abraham, or you know, what about my son Jesus? Ok Ok I get you God. Sometimes we have to Do Hard Things, right girls? (lol) And as I complain, I know that in the big scheme of things being a grad student is really no big deal. But it is still my reality at this point in my life and this is my blog so there you go. So needless to say, on average for the next three months I have about two 8 page papers due per week, along with two tests. And that’s only nine hours people. It is a real challenge for me, one I am incapable of completing without God.

I did something else hard this week, too. I lived through a softball game in which we lost 30-5. It was horrible! It really was my definition of hell on earth. My team could not do much of anything right. I was completely miserable and helpless standing at first base. The only way it could have been worse is if it were a few degrees hotter…..and I was naked. Seriously! Torture.

My Season went to her first day of preschool yesterday. I really don’t know what happened while she was there, except that they had popcorn for snack and she played in the dirt. But when I picked her up she was smiling. That’s good right? Lol. She really did have a good time and is ready to go back. I’m excited that she’s excited. She also had gymnastics yesterday. It was the most hilariously adorable thing I’ve ever seen, and she loved every minute of it. This season of her life is just a lot of fun. She is learning so much so quickly, and I admire the joy she finds in the simple things. I love being her mommy.

So, I am about to listen to a lecture online. That is the truth of my life. It is such an exciting one...sitting on my couch wearing headphones with my laptop... in my lap hehe

Who do you say I am?

2007-08-20T11:54:00.000-05:00

I have often said that I don’t care what people think of me, that whether you like me or not matters little to me. I am just who I am and am not willing to change to make you like me. And though it is still mostly how I feel, I realize now that it may not always be Christ-like to think like this. Growing up and still to this day, I have had people tell me that they didn’t think I liked them, or that they didn’t like me until they really got to know me, that they thought I was a "snob." I am quiet, reserved, shy, introverted, all those stinkin’ words that I have come to hate, but that’s who I am. That is how God made me I guess. So, am I responsible for other people’s perceptions of me? Can I help the judgments people form of me before they ever know me? Unfortunately, whether I like it or not, I believe the responsibility is mostly mine. This is a hard truth for me because I really am oblivious to others around me for the most part. (not to their needs, but to their perceptions of me. I want to be a servant, I just don't want to be concerned with people I am unaware of forming opinions of me) I just do my thang and don’t really think about much else, until it’s over. Then I might look back and think hmmmm I wonder what so and so thinks about me. But then I think who cares and move on. Honestly, and until recently I didn’t really realize that everybody was not like that.

But, I feel awkward making small talk with people, so a lot of times I just say nothing. I hate forced conversations. But, I really do envy that quality in people to make those around them feel comfortable. My husband is so good at that. I just feel stupid when I open my mouth to talk to somebody I don’t know that well. I really do desire to be more approachable, though. I desire to be a reflection of the joy I feel in my heart. I want all people to see Jesus in me, not just the people I know well. I want strangers to feel secure in my presence and not wonder whether I like them or not. In order to do this I have to embody the fruits of the spirit. People should see love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control when they look at me. I don’t think that is expecting too much of myself. It may be difficult to overcome my weaknesses. In fact, it will be impossible without Jesus working through me, without my obedience to walk in the spirit. I must step out when He says to step out. I don’t have to be something I’m not, but I must be the me He created me to be. And I don’t think he created me to use my weaknesses as excuses or crutches. I think He gave me weaknesses so that He could show His awesome strength in my life.

So, I really don’t care what people think of me. But I do care what God thinks of me.

Covered Up in Kids!

Catching up

2007-08-13T14:32:00.000-05:00

I cannot keep up with my blogging. I just have so many important things to do, lol. No, but really, I have been busy lately. Not with anything huge, but lots of small things that I would like to finish one of these days. And school is about to start back up for me. I am almost dreading it, simply because I have had few deadlines this summer. Deadlines are good for me though because they give my day some discipline whether I like it or not. Season will start preschool this year, too. She is really excited about it, so that is a relief for me. She is also going to be taking gymnastics. I can’t wait to see her do that! But, I’ll blog all about that later. Today I feel like I need to catch up with what’s been happening lately. So this post will be somewhat random, like myself. And I’ll try not to get too deep and reflective as my past few posts have been very much so. I need to lighten up I think!

This past weekend the Pregnancy Center hosted an all-night tournament, at which I played and worked. Needless to say I went a whole 24 hours without sleep! But it was worth it since we raised much-needed funds for the Center. My team did horribly, losing both of our games. Lose two and you’re out. So,yeah. The second game I was just scared of getting hit with the ball at first base by my own shortstop, being that he was mostly drunk. He kept missing the ball and blaming it on Budweiser or Miller or whatever. Funny in a sickening kind of way. He somehow managed to throw me the ball; however, I did try to stop the ball with my ankle at one point. Unfortunately, also,one of our volunteers broke her knee(or something similar, she’s supposed to go to the doctor today to get the prognosis). She was playing hind catcher and pretty much got run over at home plate. It wasn’t pretty at all with her lying on the ground suffering, while the guys on her team were worried about kicking the guy’s butt that slid into her. Anyway, after that, I sat in the bleachers for six hours keeping score. I am a pro at this point. A pro with tons of mosquito bites and a flat sore butt. I learned some new batting techniques, caught up with one of my ex-students (who was also drunk BTW), watched monster moths try to crash the games, and managed to stay awake until the sun came up. Shane (Wendy’s man) very kindly brought me drinks and tried his best to keep me awake, while he was dreaming with his eyes open. All in all it was a good time. I made it to Sunday School and then I crashed like never before. Staying up all night is stupid, no matter the reason. Lol.

Softball has become quite a part of my life this summer, as tonight will be my fourth game in five days. I honestly love it though. I mean I hate playing when it is so hot or when my teammates are drunk, but I do enjoy the competition. This is the first season I have played first base and I like it, though every time the ball is hit toward second base I want to be there too. I pretty much want to be wherever the ball is hit, not that I would catch it every time but I would sure like to try. Is it wrong to be a 30-year-old mom and enjoy sports so much? I just hope my kids enjoy them too. Then, at least I can vicariously live through them, lol.

My kids are still awesome. Grayson makes me laugh so much. He is just so determined when he gets something in his head. He is also very forceful, by that I mean that if he wants to sit in my lap and I am doing something else, he will kick and claw his way to right where he wants to be. And it can be painful. Even his hugs are painful, but so loving too. He is such a show-off. I love it. And Season, wow!, she is growing up so fast, it makes me hurt, too. She is determined, as well. She is very convincing too, making her way somehow seem like the right thing to do. I question how a four-year-old can be so persuasive, and maybe I am just being a pushover. Yeah, that could be it. She is very good at working the tears right when she needs them though. They challenge me, bring me to my knees, fill my house with laughter and love, and make me act seriously silly.

I have enjoyed several times with friends lately, old and new. It is such a blessing to have friends, and good ones at that. I am just in awe of God for surrounding me with the people He has. Well, I have blogged my time away…and not really said much, but it has somehow made my head a little less cluttered. I have more ideas in my head to share, but still have to expand them. (walking in the spirit vs. not walking in the spirit, willlingness to admit weaknesses, my responsibility in people’s perceptions of me, our spiritual gifts, my friends, my religion, personality types). So, yeah, the ideas are just swimming and I’m sure you are just so anxious to hear my views. I guess I will sign off now as my forceful son is literally climbing on my back.

But I gotta add that my husband is awesome, too. He has made my latest outings possible by being such a great dad. I'm thankful that he is always around and doesn't complain(very often lol) when he has to pick up the slack. WYMSIE baby! He is my MAN.

Easily distracted

2007-07-29T13:26:00.000-05:00

Lately I have found it difficult to concentrate during church. My mind is constantly wandering, my eyes roaming the crowd. Not to mention my ears focusing on “Mommy, I need a pen,” or “I want gum.” My arms are full of a two-year-old who will not be still or quiet. During one recent service he yelled “Go bye bye” right when the music stopped, seeming to echo my fleshly thoughts! Today our pew is crowded with a couple of extra kids, adding to my distractibility. I gave away my last piece of gum, which led to Grayson digging in my purse for more and coming up empty-handed and mad. A few tic-tacs sufficed him for a minute, but then he remembered what he really wanted was gum. Daddy had to take him out of the service for a few minutes. We try to be kind to the nursery worker and not take him to the nursery until the pastor begins his message. Sometimes it works. Anyways, during the few minutes that my arms are free, they are too busy adjusting my shirt or “fixing” my hair to really praise Jesus. Then I catch myself looking at another woman and judging her clothing choice and think “What am I doing?” Why do I make it so difficult to get in the presence of my King? How often do we do this? I mean God is always there. We are the ones who create the barriers that exist between Him and ourselves. Sometimes it’s almost as if we see Him coming and intentionally throw up a wall. Or at least I know that’s how I feel. You know like “God I don’t want to get too close. You might ask me to do something I don’t want to do.” In the past few years I have found that, yes, He does ask me to do things I don’t necessarily want to do at first. But, after it’s done I always stand amazed at how what I didn’t want to do becomes part of who I am. God knows our hearts better than we do. But, Sunday mornings are tough, though always worth it. And just when I begin to feel sorry for myself for what I am having to endure in order to pursue the presence of God, I am reminded of what Jesus did for me, what He did to be in the presence of God. And for a minute I forget about myself and wish I could stay there forever. Is there anyone who has found it possible to maintain being in His presence? The praise team sang this song at church today. It is one of my favs. Newsboys – You Are My King (Amazing Love)

I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken
I’m accepted you were condemned
And I’m alive and well your sprit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing Love how can it be
That you my king would die for me
Amazing Love I know its true
Its my joy to honor you (in all I do I honor you)

This is Season's new favorite pose to strike! I think it's so funny....she even said she can pray underwater. But she said,"Mommy, I only had time to say Thank you Jesus."
Easily entertained all day long by fun in a box! Score for Mommy!

2007-07-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

I have the blahs….seriously. I’ve been in one of those moods where I don’t want to do anything, and I like it that way. I mean obviously my “good” side says “Uh, you know it ain’t right to sit on the couch all day watching The Next Food Network Star.” But my bad side says, “Come on, what does it hurt to be really lazy every once in a while. Why do you have to be the mom and keep everybody happy?” Am I the only one who ever feels this way? Honestly, I know it’s wrong. I feel so unproductive and even more blah when I do nothing. Though, in reality, I don’t ever just do nothing. Because, in the midst of my blahs, I’m still the mom. Like yesterday I did watch a lot of TV, but I still cooked breakfast, picked up the house twice, cleaned the toilet, clipped Season’s toenails, washed dishes, did laundry, and held Grayson most of the day because he did not feel well, spent some quality time with my man, and had a good talk with a friend. But, at the end of the day, I just felt lazy and worthless. And it’s not like I don’t know why. I just did a blog about it, right? Putting God first. And He totally was not yesterday. Why do I do that? And why does He continue to show His favor and mercy even when I am disobedient. I say disobedient simply because I know He is asking me to include a little discipline in my days. Discipline is difficult for a phlegmatic procrastinator like myself, as my mottos are mostly “Who cares.” and “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.” Really. Every Sunday I say okay tomorrow is the day I will begin to be disciplined. I’ve been saying that for like a year now. It’s not working. 6am rolls around and I decide to wait until tomorrow to be disciplined. I really really want to do it. But I really really don’t want to do it too. Lol I have a hard time being accountable to myself. Anyways, I thought I would blog about it in the attempt to make myself accountable somehow. Tomorrow. 6am. Give my day to God. Make Graham lunch and send him off with lovin‘. Prayer/bible time. Exercise. Plan something fun to do with the kids. Teach them something new. Talk to them about God. Drink only water. Eat no sugar. HAHa
If you read My Utmost for His Highest, read the one for Oct. 12. That’s my prayer. To walk with God in everything, not just the exceptional moments. To not give in because it is hard to fight my flesh now because eventually He will bring new vision and new purpose. You can read it here.
I also love The Message version of Romans 12:1-2, which speaks discipline to me. It’s my prayer as well for myself and you: “Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around-life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be charged from the inside out.” Wow! So go….add some discipline, do not fit in, be charged!

All I need

2007-07-15T20:47:00.000-05:00

We spent the weekend at a family reunion. Though it was enjoyable, and held at a beautiful “resort” on a lake and surrounded by mountains, it was a lot of work. But, I have come to learn that anything you do with toddlers is mostly work, even when it is fun. Amidst all the people (though honestly we spent very little time at the actual reunion), the horrible heat, dips in the pool, treks to and fro, I realized once again that I need only my kids and my man and my God to be fulfilled. Now, I want everyone else I love in my life, but as Graham told me this weekend, “ I want it to be you and me for the rest of my life.” And I feel the same…but I haven’t always felt so fulfilled by just “us.” When I didn’t, I thought it was anybody’s fault but my own. But, I was restless, unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled, not because of Graham, but because I was not pursuing God to make me happy. I was wanting Graham or my kids or whatever to make me happy. It's ironic that it all seems to come back to simply putting God first because it seems like such a simple statement. But it really is difficult to do because our nature is so self-driven. My mom always told us growing up that to whom much is given, much is expected (I think this is from the Bible, not sure and too lazy to go look it up). And the older I get the more I realize the truth of this. What it means to me is that if you know God, really know how real He is, know the track He has set before you, know the talent and gifts He has blessed you with, know the ugliness He has saved you from, and you still choose to serve Him halfheartedly, you will never, never be at peace and fulfilled. It is not possible. A guy we know who has an awesome God-given musical talent, you know the kind who can not only sing but also plays multiple instruments, is pursuing a career in the music industry and wanting to make money doing it, while leaving no room for God. I'd like to tell him it will never work that way, especially being that he was raised to seek God first. I don’t think God minds that we have passions other than Himself, after all He put them there. But, we have to pursue God first in order for our passions and anything else in our lives to be successful, while also feeling at peace with our life. I’ve always known this, was raised to know this, and I still didn’t really get it until a couple of years ago. You can serve God with a lukewarm passion, and everything else in your life will be lukewarm as well. Or you can choose to chase after God with a burning passion, and your life will overflow with peace and blessings. This doesn’t mean everything will be perfect, but that you will be able to find peace in spite of your surroundings. And that’s how I feel now. Not because my circumstances changed (though they have somewhat, but not instantly), but because my focus changed from pursuing what I want to giving my passion to God and seeing what He wanted to do with it. I mess up a lot. As soon as I begin to lose my peace, though, I know exactly why. I’ve lost my focus again…but God is so merciful. No matter what happens, if I’ve got my little family and my God, everything else will be okay. I know it sounds trite, but I also know it’s the truth.
Oh and I also realize that in typing what's in my head I may not have made sense and I've used the words peace and passion a lot, which is trite in itself. Oh well. lol

*Wanted to share a couple of links...one of pictures that my friend Jonna took of my kids. She did a great job, and I love the pics. Season and Grayson Also I finally bought a swimsuit. Here's a picture of it. It's hot! lol Summer's hot swimsuit

2007-07-05T10:54:00.000-05:00

Lessons Learned

2007-07-04T14:29:00.000-05:00

Two years ago this week we were in the hospital with our boy. Grayson was born on the 1st, also Graham's birthday, and then we had to stay three more nights because they were concerned with his breathing. So, we came home with our son on July 4th, 2005, oblivious to the changes this tiny little person could bring into our lives. I made the decision to just be mom after he was born, and that was a definite step of faith for us being that it would cut our income in half and could possibly drive me insane. But I really knew it was what God wanted me to do, whether it would be easy or not. Since then my life has been completely blessed, and I have learned so much about God. So, thought I would share a few. Because I can lol.

1. I can’t do it all. But, God can. He is strong when I am weak. God won't work until I give up. Completely. He doesn’t even want my suggestions. He will not control a situation that I am already controlling myself. And even though giving up is freeing, it doesn’t mean you stop doing. Even when you are overwhelmed , you just keep on doing your best, and God takes care of everything else. And once you get to the end of whatever obstacle is in the way at the time, you look back and think, “How did I do that?” Oh yeah, I didn’t. God did.

2.Faith really can move mountains. And the Bible says faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. When I put that truth into practice in my life, it works. If something in life is not working, find scriptures on that topic. Write them down, put it where you can see it. Speak them aloud. And don’t speak the opposite. Our words are so powerful. Speak only God’s truth. You will see miracles.

3. God wants a relationship with us. I think you can maybe make it to heaven just by “believing” in him, but I truly believe He wants us to pursue a relationship with him just like we would any other person we love. I mean Graham and I can be married and live in the same house and never really get to know each other any better and still be married. But if we pursue each other, we begin to really know each other and fall even more in love. That’s how we should be with God, too. The closer we draw to Him, the closer He draws to us. If he is truly your best friend, then treat Him that way. Make an effort to know Him, and you’ll be surprised at the difference it will make in your life.

4.Sin is gradually destructive. It’s like that person who smokes “only when she drinks,” or “only when she’s stressed.” Until eventually she’s built up an immunity/addiction and smokes a pack a week then a pack every other day. That’s how sin makes it’s way into our lives. It’s a small disruption at first, seemingly harmless, until finally it has hold on your life so big that you’ve become someone unrecognizable. The devil is a sneaky snake.

5.I think God loves to give us the desires of our heart, that is if our desires are in line with His will. Just like I love to make my children smile, I think He is the same. But, if my kids are being snots then forget it. And I think God feels likewise. Of course I think we have to make an effort to “delight” in Him, and then get ready.

6.Being a Christian is not about rules and regulations. Being a Christian is about loving Christ. Legalism sucks. But when you love Him, there are certain things you do or don’t do because you love Him. Read His Word, talk to Him, and find our what those are. Don’t let someone else do it for you. Love Him so much that you want to please Him, and you will find freedom.

Have you learned anything lately? Share.

Ramblings as usual

2007-06-22T15:18:00.001-05:00

TGIF! We just finished up a week of Vacation Bible School. I was the craft teacher, and Season was in the "LoneStar" class of 4-5 year olds. Grayson got to spend every morning with Gran Gran, and he made me feel really bad every time I left him. I am so glad I don't have to do that every day! But I know he had a great time without me. Mom said he pretended that he was going to Wal-Mart to buy books while pushing a baby in a stroller and carrying a purse over his shoulder. Yeah, there is something wrong with that picture, but it makes me laugh nonetheless. Season had a hard time the first few days, you know, crying and running to her wonderful mommy because she doesn't want to spend a moment away from me. But, I threatened her with her life and the last three days I didn't even know she was there. She is becoming a big girl, and I seriously hate it. I think I would be perfectly happy if she stayed four forever. My favorite class was the 4th-5th grade, mostly because they think it's hilarious when you act like a total idiot. And I love that, no inhibitions whatsoever. Anyway, today was the last day and the kids sang a few songs for their parents. As I was listening to them, I was completely blessed as I thought that Jesus must be thoroughly blessed and entertained as well, at hearing them sing "Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is your name." There is nothing like a child's voice singing to his/her Father...so pure.

And I did my good deed for the day a few minutes ago. I looked out my front door and there were like several huge tree branches in the road. Cars were veering into oncoming traffic to avoid them, and we live right in front of a hill where you can't really see what's coming over it. So because I was afraid someone was going to have a wreck, I thought I would just go throw them off the road, not realizing how much of a task it would be. It was basically like a whole tree cut up and dispersed in the highway in front of my house and two others. And here I am in my pajamas basically, no bra, no shoes, and all these men in their big bad trucks wouldn't even freakin' stop and help. But that is the kind of world we live in, huh? Nobody has time to stop and help a girl out. I'm sure they were thinkin' what is that idiot doin' with her dog in the road pickin' up a tree. Whatever. So here I am gettin' muddy and inflicting scratches upon myself, but I did it and I can't wait to tell Graham about it. He'll be so proud, lol. Although he may think I made it up because a stinkin' TxDot bulldozer thingy came and picked up the branches and dumped them into the back of a truck. Yep, it took two men and two big vehicles to pick up what I had singlehandedly done all by myself. Such an exciting life I lead, lol.

And Graham is going to kids'camp (as a counselor) next week. I'm a little jealous because I love church camp, but I am so excited for him to be able experience it. Ok, Ok, I'm out.

2007-06-13T22:39:00.000-05:00

Is it so wrong that I believe my children are absolutely beautiful and smart and funny? Doesn't everyone think this about their babies? They should. Anyway just wanted to share some pics of my babes.

Still too young to know when she looks like a dork. lol I hope she never loses that innocence.

Yep, that's my boy. I love his silly personality!
Season was so proud of her goggles, which I bought at Target for a dollar. How many more days/months/years will just$1 make her happy?

Still bein' a silly boy...not quite ready to jump in the deep with sister.

My girl looks just like her daddy....did I even birth this child? She takes my breath away.

Eudey life

2007-06-08T14:46:00.000-05:00

I have nothing inspirational about which to blog, just life in general that we daily take for granted. After all the Bible says that life is a vapor, and we let it pass as if it will never end. I can’t fathom life as a vapor, especially on those days when I change dirty diaper after dirty diaper, break up numerous “fights,” cook dinner only to have it turn out like crap, literally, and well, you know what I mean. But most of the time, life is good, and those are the things that give my day, ummm, flavor, let‘s say. And I thank God for His goodness, but I still feel humbled and undeserving.
This week has been full of swimming. We were blessed with a pool, and my Season has absolutely enjoyed herself in a degree to which only a child can muster. Her joy has been contagious, as I found myself inside the pool in a swimsuit (gasp!) actually splashing around and having a good ole time. In fact, Graham and I actually jumped in one night sans, uh….kids. It’s been fun and relaxing, and now I never want to experience another summer without a pool!
On Tuesday my sister and I took our kids, along with my niece, to the Dallas Zoo. The trip left me wondering if outings as such are really worth the effort. I mean with the semi-long road trip, the heat, the money, the complaining kids, the stinky rhinos, the spilled drink in a nice restaurant…. But the looks on the kids faces as they see or experience something new, or scary, or just plain strange is, as they say, priceless. They created memories, and I love playing a part in that. Grayson’s favorite animal was the giraffe, so cute to hear him say it. But, overall, I think the favorite was the monkeys, of course. Wow, they are so human-like it’s scary. And I gained a new appreciation for the lion as I stared at him/her thinking that Jesus is called the Lion of Judah. What an awesome visual. The lion sitting in the cage was so beautiful and peaceful. My sister even said she just wanted to crawl in there and cuddle with it. And I agreed, especially as I was picturing Jesus. But, as we looked at it’s paws and teeth, it’s power was obvious. And did you know a liger is a for real animal? I thought it was something Napolean just created, but no completely fo’ real.

Azlyn, Season, Grayson, Addi

Later that night, the girls had a t-ball game that was much less than exciting. They are so cute, but if you are looking for a competitive display of skills, it ain’t gonna happen. In fact, the most competitive part of the whole game is when it’s over, and both teams race to the sno-cone stand. We did get our long anticipated t-ball pictures, though, the outcome of which is a whole other story. I say our because I am in the picture with Season. She absolutely refused to pose, and I thought maybe if I was in it with her she would smile, but no. I think I am smiling big enough for the both of us. The things we do for our children.

Did I mention how much I love the pool? Mostly because now I have an excuse to just sit and do nothing, or I mean, uh, watch the kids.

Five things I love right now

2007-05-30T16:27:00.000-05:00

1. I love watching my kids interact. I love that they love each other. When they hug and kiss on each other there just ain’t nothin’ better. They like to pretend that Grayson is a dog, and Season leads him around with a leash(belt). I love it. Grayson barks and begs, and Season throws him a toy to fetch. To hear Season say , “Look at Bubba. He is so funny,”, with this huge proud grin on her face. And when Grayson wakes up in the morning and says, “Where Seazee?” The Best! It‘s exactly why I wanted them to be close in age, so that they would have a forever bond, a reliance on each other, a knowing glance, inside jokes, a peace in the fact that no matter what life may bring, they will always have each other.
2. I love anytime I can steal some quietness, some time where absolutely nothing is going on, the calm before the storm. This is usually in the mornings amidst my coffee topped with whipped cream, my Bible, and my journal. I love this quiet time that I can reflect, pray, read, study, just a time to gain understanding, prepare my “battle plan," for the day, and be refreshed in order to get through the day with peace.
3. I love when I get to spend time with my kids individually. They are able to just be themselves with Mom without having to one-up each other, lol, and I am able to focus on just them. Lately, Grayson is so affectionate. At bedtime, after a book about tractors, of course, he insists on kissing each of my eyes, my ears, my nose, and my forehead. I love it! They are the sweetest kisses ever! He usually wakes up before Season in the mornings too, and for about fifteen minutes, he will not let me out of his sight. He needs me….selfishly, I hope he always does! I tell him no other woman can ever take mommy’s place! Ok, and not in a weird Oedipus Rex kinda way. Lol. Season says the cutest things, and has a way of making me feel like the best mommy ever! Like on mother’s day, she said, “Mommy, I’m glad you’re my Mommy!“ She and I got to take a shopping/movie trip together the other day (along with my bff who loves me even though I am an unfashionable, clumsy dork). Anyway, Season was just awesome, ok except for like seven potty breaks and lying on the dressing room floor and saying very loudly, “Mommy, your bobo is a lot bigger than mine.” She is growing up so fast, and I just want to be able to savor every little thing about her being who she is right now. Why am I a stay-at-home mom? Yeah, all this and more. Being their mommy makes me feel ragingawesome.
4. I love that Graham and I can share the Lord. We can argue and analyze and share the things of God. Through this we grow in our love for each other and our love for God. We tried to start a tradition of getting up early , having coffee together, praying, and doing a little devotional thing. We did it like two days in a row, and it was great. Unfortunately, I am really lazy in the mornings, so we are still working that out. But, to see his passion for the Lord still raging--love it! Though when I get in a bad mood and he tells me, just give it to God, oh wait this is things I love. So, anyway, yeah.
5. I love to get lost in a good book. I just finished Safely Home by Randy Alcorn. It came highly recommended by a couple of friends, and it totally lived up. I know a book is good when I get mad that it’s over. And, yeah, I was completely mad at the author for not telling me more. Go read it, and be amazed at people who truly know what it is to be persecuted for Jesus. I love a good praise CD. I love that we just spent the rainy weekend with great friends and had fun. I love allergy pills. I love chocolate. I love the library. I love my life group. I love the Sonic at happy hour. I love my new dryer. I love to be in His presence. I love that Season is playing with the Barbie’s I used to play with. I love that Grayson is right there beside her brushing the Barbie’s hair with a plastic spoon. And we wonder why the word love has lost its meaning.
I love this picture...Isha's Alisha, Christy's Maddie, My Season!

Ragingawesome Baby!

2007-05-18T14:08:00.000-05:00

My favorite word, which I made up because I am a dork like that, is ragingawesome. I'm not quite sure when I decided that this would be my catch phrase, or that I was allowed to make up words, or that I would be so goofy as to share it with others. But other than being so much fun to say, it has deeper meaning to me. I like to think that whatever you do, you should do it with rage. I know, I know rage is usually violent anger, but here I mean complete sold-out passion, not anger. God created us with passions and desires and I think He intended for us to do those things, to live our lives with serious rage. The Bible says whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might. Rage! Or as Mr. Abe Lincoln said, "Whatever you are, be a good one." I know it's nothing we've never heard before, but are we really doing this in our day-to-day lives? Are we really being our best? I know I'm not. And I'm not talking about being perfect. Anyone who knows me knows my goal is not perfection. In fact perfection gags me, infuriates me, fills me with rage. lol Anyway. I'm just saying make it your goal to live your life with passion even in the little things. Don't be so afraid of making a mistake or doing it wrong that you lose the passion, the rage.

When I was teaching, my students thought I was an idiot most of the time (a "cool" idiot though), but I even made me a t-shirt that said Ragingawesome Bears. Yeah, and I wore it on game days. It rocked! lol One of my favorite poems to teach was by Dylan Thomas, which he wrote to his dying father, begging him to not go out without a fight. It says, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." I was reading this in front of the class one time and accidentally said "Rage, rage against the machine!" lol Anyway, this is my goal....to be ragin'. A ragin' Christian, a ragin' wife, a ragin' mom, to pursue my God-breathed passions with rage. Yeah, I like it!

Yo' Momma

2007-05-13T19:24:00.000-05:00

1. "There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson Yes, it’s true. We all breathe a sigh of relief, a prayer of thanksgiving when our little ones finally fall asleep. In fact, I have found myself alone in the living room doing the touchdown symbol when they are both out at the same time in the middle of the day. And on those tough days, I might even do a little celebration dance in the end zone. I mean I love love love my babies, but when you’re a stay-at-home mom, a break is well warranted and needed….for the children’s sake. Lol
2. "Mothers are all slightly insane." ~ J.D. Salinger Hahahaha….how many times have I admitted to being insane this year? You know being a mom who thinks she can do so many things at one time can do that to you, and for some reason, we all think we can. And you know what, the truth is we normally can. But in the midst of the whirlwind that is cooking the dinner, sweeping the floor, teaching the children, reading the Bible, folding the laundry, planning the party, pursuing our own interests, keeping the man happy, all with a pearly white smile and within the same hour of course, well it feels like complete insanity, kind of like childbirth without drugs I’m sure. But once that whirlwind of activity is over, just like childbirth, you sit back and think “Wow, I did that.” Though, not without a little help from my Lord. And we are all ready to do it again, forgetting the overwhelming parts, and only remembering the positive outcomes, which is insane in itself. But, if I try to take a break for like a day, or even an hour, well it just is not copasetic. And so the insanity continues.
3. It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”- The Golden Girls Sorry, but you know it’s funny. Thank God for creating us both, because when it comes to doing certain things, like declogging the toilet or killing the mice and snakes, I am so thankful I am a woman. Just as my husband is thankful he is not at home being mommy 24/7. (Though for the record if any man had to do it, mine could get it done, and get it done well!)
4. The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint. I am so sad that my babies are already over the whole getting rocked to sleep thing. I never felt more in tune with God than when I was holding my baby, singing to them while rocking them to sleep. It’s makes the whole hectic day worth it to have this beautiful baby completely dependent on you wrapped in your arms wanting to be nowhere but right where he is. That’s when I learned that is exactly how God wants us to be with Him. We are His children. He loves us more than we can even imagine loving our babies. He wants us to climb up in His arms and completely depend on Him. Wow!
5. “A hundred men may make an encampment, but it takes a woman to make a home.” -Chinese proverb This is one that means more to me all the time. This is my home. I am the woman of this home. I create the atmosphere of this home. If I want a happy, peaceful home, I must be a happy, peaceful mom. How do I get this done? By resting in the arms of my Father!
So, on my fifth mother’s day, I am so thankful to my own prayer-warrior mother for showing me exactly what a mother is; I often tell her the only way I can give her back what she has given me is to be the same kind of mother to mine. I am thankful to Graham’s mom for raising such a kind, wise, loving son. And I am thankful to God for trusting me enough to be a mommy to my Season and Grayson, obviously the best, smartest, most beautiful children on the planet! Lol

2007-05-08T16:13:00.000-05:00

Pics from our Mexico Trip a year ago and be forewarned that the next post is really long, but I don't care.

My Miracle

2007-05-08T14:25:00.000-05:00

A year ago this month my life changed. Something happened that I had been praying to happen for about ten years. God changed Graham's heart, not that he wasn't saved. (after all he was raised Baptist, lol) But we didn't really share the same vision for our family and our life in general. Graham's always been a good man; in fact, I know you cannot find another man with a bigger heart than him. And, I knew if he ever gave himself completely to the Lord that his passion for serving God would be contagious, inspiring, and unstoppable. And that's all I wanted! But the way I went about trying to get it was through nagging, demanding, manipulating, condemning, yeah, not pretty at all, and not at all the "Christian" way of inspiring change! I finally became desperate because I wanted us to be able share a serious love for the Lord together and I had cried out to God for it for so long and I just felt like it was never going to happen. I could not see with my human eyes how it could ever happen because Graham was perfectly content with our life. He did not see a need for change. I was nagging Graham one night about when he was ever going to go to church with me. God stopped me in my tracks. He said why are you asking Graham; he doesn't have the answers. He said delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. I thought okay, well that's nothing new. I mean we've heard that verse our whole lives, but did I really understand what it meant. So, I began to analyze it and realized that to delight in God means simply to make Him happy. And you know what that made me do? It made me look at myself rather than at Graham. I realized that I could only get what I wanted if I worked on me, and I needed a lot of work! I had to ask myself how am I making God happy? Is my constant nagging and condemning of Graham making Him happy? God could not change my situation if I was not willing to change and give Him my all. So, I began to focus on trying to make Him happy in everything I did. I had to ask myself how big is my God? How real do I think He is? I realized that He really was my everything and that yes he cared about how every area of my life affected Him, including what TV shows I watched, what books I read, and what music I listened to. Instead of getting angry with Graham I would smile and under my breath quote scripture about the fact that man's anger does not bring about a righteous life. Instead of complaining when he wanted to go somewhere besides where I wanted him to, I would smile and say okay have a great time! It was not easy. But, I began to put being a Godly wife above my own fleshly wants. I still messed up because I am just plain ugly sometimes unfortunately! I don't know how God puts up with me in fact. But I made an effort to truly delight myself in Him. I prayed for Graham instead of arguing with him. God made it clear to me that He would not change my situation if I continued to try to control it myself. He basically asked do you trust me enough to let me bear this burden. In January of 2006 we began having a lifegroup in our home. Graham would usually find somewhere else to be, lol. But unknowingly to him and me they had made it a goal of theirs to pray for Graham. Anyway, we very spur-of-the-moment planned a short little lifegroup mission trip to Mexico in May of last year. We thought maybe we can convince Graham to go, as we planned to put a swingset together for an orphanage over there and Graham likes to work with his hands and help people! So, surprisingly it worked. He decided to go and the rest is history. I still am in amazement at the change God has made in my husband's life, and how quickly can and will move if you let Him. Graham is amazed as well. Just last night he said it's so strange that when used to I would have fleshly thoughts, now I sing praise songs. Now, on Sunday mornings he teaches a preschool class instead of clearing brush at his dads. Now, he goes to church without me! Now, when we have lifegroup, he is not only there but excited to share with the others. Now, instead of talking to people about the weather, he talks to them about Jesus. God truly changed the desires of Graham's heart. He has a true passion for God. He knows without a doubt that God is real and He is powerful. And I just feel honored and humbled that God loved me enough to hear my prayers, demand my obedience, and deliver my desires. I am not capable with my words to explain how God moves or to express how thankful I am for all He means to my life. I stand in awe of Him and him!

Baggage and Tracks

2007-05-06T11:29:00.000-05:00

Part of my volunteer job at the Pregnancy Center is being on the Abstinence speaking team in which I do a little skit/monologue. The skit(written, directed and starred in by me! lol) voices the thoughts of a bride walking down the aisle toward her groom. As she remembers various relationships she has had in her life, she picks up a piece of luggage that symbolizes the impact of that particular guy; by the time she gets to her groom she is so emotionally weighed down with "baggage" that she refuses to go through with the wedding. This made me think about the fact that each relationship we have in life, whether intimate or otherwise, has an impact on us as well as the other person involved. What kind of baggage am I leaving or have I left with other people? I can remember friends as far back as 2nd grade that have in some way left a piece of themselves or an impression of who they are with me. It makes me wonder what did I leave with them? Is it positive or has it caused some sort of deficit in their life? I think we should try our best to leave our best with people with whom we come in contact, especially as Christians, as we should be the "light" of the world. This is not always easy because sometimes it means swallowing our pride and keeping our mouth shut, or sacrificing our own wants for somebody elses. My new goal is to enhance whatever environment I am in; I want to be a reflection of Jesus, to be His hands and feet. I do not want to be a person who when she leaves everybody breathes a sigh of relief because I have been weighing others down with my baggage which can be in forms of criticalness, selfishness, or just a flat-out sorry attitude(which I am guilty of often). I want my friends and family to be glad I am there, you know "Yea Summer's here!" lol Most of the time this is much easier said than done because so often we are thinking only of ourself rather than how we are being perceived by others. We watched a play last night about the "tracks" we leave behind. Not only do I want to be able to look back and remember with fondness the tracks I left behind, but I also want others to look at me and my life and see the tracks of Jesus.

It ain't gonna burn long

2007-05-02T14:32:00.000-05:00

I really want to post my first blog, but I really can't think of anything interesting or important enough that other people would actually want to read. And so I start to think am I really that boring? And then I think do I really want to share what is in my head, really? Because I mean, I have just used the word really like five times in three sentences and started sentences with and and because; and I am a former teacher of the English and that just would not fly in Mrs. Eudey's Sr. English class. I like to think I have an excuse though, since I do spend most of my hours with little people under the age of 4, and in their world it is okay to call more than one goose, a few gooses. Yeah, I said that yesterday and thought nothing of it. So, am I becoming desensitized or am I realizing what really matters in this world? And it ain't grammar, let me tell ya!
Most of my interesting thoughts or advice cannot be elaborated on enough to qualify as a blog. Such as, if someone gives you chapstick flavored like Red Hots, don't actually use it. Or, like, don't dump hot candle wax down the sink drain. Yeah, I did that. And my husband punished me by forcing me to use the Red Hot chapstick! So, what I'm trying to say is that I have this blog and I'm gonna use it. And sometimes it may not be pretty. But, like the chapstick it will only burn for a few days. Nothing a few hours in a cold freezer won't fix. And, yeah, like really!