Sum Favorites.

1. My new fav TV preacher, Pastor Andy. He is fo' real. Most of the stuff I have heard has been on marriage and relationships. He is hilarious, but tells the Truth.

2. The Lord Reigns My fav praise song of the moment. I love jammin' when I clean house, just so ya know.

3. The mothering moments I have enjoyed the most lately are when Season is being an artist (I think she is quite good), and Grayson is trying to find Waldo. Definite Christmas gifts.

4. Frank Peretti books have overtaken my life lately. If I start a book I like, it supercedes everything else. Not good when you are 13 and your mom wants you to fold the clothes (She actually grounded me from books!), or when you are 31 and you need to get in bed in order to function as mom the next morning.

5. I subscribed to a (free) 30-day True Woman makeover at Revive our Hearts (I know...like I need it lol). Anyway, I have really enjoyed the teaching. And you can choose to read the daily radio program instead of listen, which is helpful for this visual learner... It's some good stuff that I wish Christian women could truly get and live their lives in light of. (oh, I hate ending a sentence with a preposition, but I'm gonna do it anyway)

6. Cooking and Baking have become more fun lately. I want to be good at it, but I still have lots to learn. I like allrecipes.com because you can read reviews from other people and search for pretty much anything. Pioneer Woman is always inspiring of course and she also enlightened me to Bakerella. I can't wait to try some of that fun stuff!

7. My Rocket Dogs still rockit as far as I am concerned. I could use a new pair, but they def. define who I am if ya know what I mean. They are my go-to shoes.

8. Graham and I went out this weekend for our anniversary. We had fun just being together, but mostly he just followed me around while I shopped. I am blessed with a good man. He's my fav. But my favorite find of the weekend was two spiderman masks at Hot Topic, a store I would not dare dark the doors of had the masks not caught my eye. I was so proud of them 'cause they were like 90% off. Cheap is my fav too.

Rip-Off

If the make-shift carnival rolls into town, DO NOT take your children, no matter how pathetically your 3-year-old begs you. If you are blinded by the bright lights that shine amidst the carny stereotypes, you will be forced to pay three (freakin') dollars per ride. If you make the mistake of buying tickets (no refunds mind you) even after you realize there are only like four other carnival-goers there, your children will not ride the roller coaster or the spinny thingy as they manuever at speeds that should be outlawed for riders under 42 inches. If your daughter refuses to ride anything, you will resort to force, threatening her to either ride the slide or not be able to play a game so she can win a prize. If you pay ten dollars for the tickets under the guise that you can use the tickets to throw darts at balloons as well, you will be disappointingly aggravated and want to grab the carny by the throat and shove the tickets down her throat. Er, I mean smile sweetly and pull the five out of your pocket so your screaming kids can shove a dart into a balloon. And if you do that, your son will win the thrill of choosing either a 1-inch stuffed heart or a black rose as his prize. If you begin to feel the carnival germs seeping into your pores after less than ten minutes, you will drag your children back to the car saying "you better be thankful you got to come at all!" If your daughter taunts your son telling him a heart is a girl prize, your son will step out of the car and throw it on the ground declaring "Hearts are stupid!" If your husband is waiting for you when you get home, be warned he will not be sympathetic to your tale but will laugh mockingly and say "I told you so."

Does this make me crazy?

I have inappropriate urges. Urges that involve pens and ankles. Exposing your ankle to me whilest I have a writing utensil in my hand could be a stumbling block for me. I will feel an insatiable desire to grafitti the empty space just below your ankle. I do it to myself constantly if I am sitting still. But, I did not realize that I felt the need to "tattoo" other people until I was sitting next to a friend during lifegroup a few weeks ago and she was barefoot. It was all I could do to keep my hand from infringing upon her space and doodling a quick cross. I was so distracted by my lusting after the blank slate before me that I couldn't concentrate on the Word. My ankle was already covered with hearts and stars. I needed to create a masterpiece, and there was the perfect canvas. I had to take my thoughts captive in order to overcome the temptation. No wonder my daughter still struggles with writing on herself, furniture, the walls, her dolls. I know how she feels. The passion for creating overcomes logic in that moment. (Our pastor coined that phrase Sunday, and it has been very applicable in my life!) Keep the ankles covered people. Well, the whole foot and the hands for that matter. or BEWARE of my idle hands!

Yeah, so Does that make me crazy?


2 Cor. 5:13
"If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God...." (Amen)

Conversations with Grayson

Me: You're going to be a preacher, aren't you?
Grayson: No
Me: Are you going to be a missionary?
Grayson: Yep.
Me: Where? In Africa?
Grayson: No! At McDonald's.

So, if my boy is prophetic....he may be the first missionary to McDonald's. Servin' up a Happy Meal and a holy message. Won't you support his cause?

Control Issues? Yeah, you gnome.

Today I have the luxury of closing myself in my house, camping out in the living room in my pajamas, going outside only to feed our new kitty, Lizzie Bellie, and get the mail. Of course, I don't know how much of a luxury it really is being that I am being held here forcefully by a sweet, sickly regurgitating little man. Though I have issues with certain things being splattered on the walls, I don't mind at all when my boy curls up in my lap and falls fast asleep.

I didn't really choose to abstain from blogging for a whole month, but I haven't been able to "complete" any great thoughts. I don't want my blog to be a smathering of randomness all the time, but I think I am beginning to see a pattern in my life. Lots of beginnings with no endings. Too many great ideas that are not followed through. Too many projects initiated but never completed. I obviously have personality issues. It’s got to be an issue of fear. Fear that I can’t successfully finish at the standard I would like to. Or maybe I am just lazy (not driven some might say? Lol) Commitment issues maybe? Like if I commit to this then I won’t be able to do that. And I have to be able to be open to whatever comes my way. okay so sorry about that aside into my psyche. Actually, I'm not sorry. In fact, how 'bout a further peek? In my vegetative state today, I thought it might be fun to browse through my pictures. Here are a few that make me happy:

this is why I love my man

this is what appears if you give my girl a camera

it never hurt to put a little hope in gnomes.

Rose? Rose? is that you...no no it's just your man.

oh my hehehahhaha
okay so we actually got out of the house one more time. The boy started feeling better and insisted we ride his four-wheeler. As I was driving down one of the trails, I began to wonder if it was actually a trail at all. It was not very cleared out. There were a few rocks in the way, and branches hanging low. But just barely you could see the tire tracks right in front of you. I thought about how we wonder the same thing a lot of times as we seek God about our trail in life. We begin cruising along and then when it becomes a little rocky we question whether it's really the path. "Are you sure God? That doesn't look very clear to me. I really can't see where I'm going." I like to think that I am not a control freak, that I very easily submit myself to God's will. But that is soooo not true. I may not count calories, make to-do lists incessantly, or be pushy about getting my way, but I maintain control of my days in my own manipulative ways quite often. Having faith that He has your life in His hands, and then actually trusting Him to take care of it are two totally different concepts. Taking that leap into nothing, complete abandonment...it's something I am still pursuing. Something I don't think I have figured out yet. I am confronted by my "control" issues in my relationship with my husband. Through those stupid disagreements that I sometimes just can't let go of, through the times I don't want to submit to his wisdom as the head of our family. But I know that Biblically, submission to my man is submission to God. Being dependent is difficult for our self-sufficient, self-gratifying culture, which, yep, includes myself most of the time. True trust is refusing to say, "but God." It is a reckless flailing at His feet. As I was driving down that not so clear path on the four-wheeler, Grayson sat securely against me; no tension in his body, no fear on his face. Instead, he was full of joy and his hands were in his lap with no doubt that I knew exactly what I was doing.

Psalm 131:2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

My Simple Life

So lately I have either felt like this.

Or slightly like this. either way life is good.

I fried up some steak and squash for my man and then had to go to my softball game where I was accused of smelling greasy and fried..... My spiritual lessons have come by way of softball as well. Let's just say, "A man's pride brings him low, but a man of lowly spirit gains honor."Psalm 29:23

I recently went through my childhood collection of clowns and decided to part with a few, but had sooo much fun playing with them. I feel bad for you if you were not so blessed to see my clowns in their glory days. Strange as it seems, they still have some kind of power over me.

And my girl thinks she will be a hairdresser some day. She has a creative talent anyway. Check our pic link in the sidebar, to see the back of my hair which is just as interesting as the front.

The next couple of weeks will bring lots of first for us. Season's first day of kindergarten, Grayson's first day of preschool, my first church women's event as one of the "leaders," my first visit to the neurologist (hopefully the last as well). I think Graham, atleast, will do life as usual, but I know his mind and spirit are just bursting to build his own home for the first time! The barn we are to live in will be making its way to the land next month I believe. Yes, I said I'm gonna live in a barn. Graham's uncle cracked a joke about our kids acting like they were "raised in a barn." I'm praying the barn-raising will be short lived, but I'm ready for whatever changes come our way, whether they look as I think they should or not.

Presently in List Format

Things I love:
*the obvious transforming power of Christ reflected in someone's life
*quiet time with a little coffee on the side
*fellowship with Believers. (As one charismatic pastor on TBN put it, "There's no ship like fellowship." hehehe)
*words, wonderful words
*watching my children grow and learn
*garage sales and thrift shopping
*a good competition
*proofreading
*authenticity
*floating in my pool by myself

Things I hate:
*coffee aftertaste
*the obvious sexualiztion of TV commercials (and I'm not just talking beer commercials here. pay attention the next time your TV is on. it's disgusting what we are allowing society to feed us.)
*cleaning up my own messes
*making an error
*a dirty kitchen floor
*not being able to sleep
*unreliability

Things I wish i did more:
*write
*exercise
*read my Bible and pray
*see my Bff
*spend quality time with my sisters

Things I wish I did less:
*pee
*eat and drink junk
*get annoyed at my kids and husband
*complain

Things that interest me/make me think:
*Unprotected, the book I just read.
*Psalm 51:16-17 God just keeps bringin' me back to brokenness
*This poem I discovered in high school. why? because it speaks truth. and it hurts.
*the role of hormones in our being
*personalities and contemplating how they form

Things I wish I could do:
*sing
*play the guitar
*write a novel
*run a marathon
*become Dr. Summer (lol, but really)
*be in a play
*wait tables part time

Things that make me cry:
*abortion & all of its effects on our world
*so many children growing up without stable homes
*the Olympics (the elation of winning mixed with the sorrow of loss)
*the thought of losing someone I love

Things that make me laugh:
*seeing the janitor from my junior high school at Dollar Store and him greeting me by name
*the conversations I have with my children. recently Season was pretending that Grayson was her boyfriend. I told her she couldn't marry her brother because he was family. She looked confused, but said, "Yeah, he's too short."
*my diary from elementary school (in the fourth grade I was "allergic" to Mrs. Applegate, and I couple skated for the first time with a boy, lol)
*my sister's stories
*Grayson's little hiney in his underwear & and hearing him talk

Work it out

Are you daily challenged to take it to the Word? To take what you hear and compare it to the Truth, as the Bereans did? Or are you standing so firmly on church doctrine or momma’s faith that you have yet to really work out your own salvation? As my Dedad would say when he preached, “Do you know that you know that you know?” If you haven’t been pushed to this point in your life where you really have to seek out the Truth for yourself, I challenge you to dig a little deeper.
I grew up in church, surrounded by family who have served God for years. I had no choice but to know who He is. My truth was passed down to me, spoon-fed to me. Obviously this was a blessing, but it was also comfortable and easy to take for granted. I can understand how easy it would be to just believe in another religion if I was raised up that way, because just as Christianity was a way of life for me growing up, so is Islam or Hinduism for others. I think there has to be a point in your life where you question what you believe and why you believe it. I think it is often much easier for someone who is not in the church as such to come to this point, because we churched people just take for granted that we know the truth and may become self-righteous in doing so. We somehow miss the desperation for knowing Him and become secure in the façade of knowing Him because “well, I go to church or I am Baptist or my daddy is a preacher.” There is nothing we can bring to Him that is worthy, except for Christ crucified. And if we don’t get how broken we are before Him, we are very likely to uphold our checklist of rules or passed down "beliefs" above His Word and who He is.
I am naturally skeptical, so I have always questioned. And I had an awesome Sunday school teacher who always met my questions with Scripture. She never tried to get me to believe what she believed, she gave me the Word and let me work it out myself. But not until a few years ago did I really know that I know. I was desperate for change and questioned Him. And He basically asked me, “Do you know that I am real? Do you know what you believe? How do you know that I am Truth? Because if you truly believe in me, then you have to believe every single ounce of my Word. If you doubt my Word, you doubt me.” I had to lay every bit of my unbelief at His feet and ask for forgiveness. I realized I either had to be all in or I was out, that I was either completely, unabashedly for Him or I was against Him. He does not tolerate half-heartedness or indifference. Only then did I really begin to see the power of His Word and really stand on it and not my background or feelings or church doctrines. I really began to search and find the Truth, and my life has not been the same since. My personalization and analysis of who He is came at a time when I was not in “church” really, which I find interesting, just as an aside. People will fail you, churches will fail you, but He and His word do not waiver. Stand firm but never stop working out your salvation. Never stop searching His word. When I hear somebody say something I am not sure about, it is exciting to take it to the Bible and determine the Truth and where I stand in light of that. Graham and I find it interesting (and honestly confusing) how we all read the same scriptures but can come to different conclusions. Some truths or principles we will never really know until we see Him face to face, ( drinking, free will vs. predestination, the spiritual world, for example) and then it won’t matter anyway.
Be confident that you know that you know Him. On the other hand, do not be prideful. Be willing to be challenged and learn from other Christians, aware that you do not know it all. But, do not be pushed around in your beliefs. The Bible tells us to Stand Firm. All I am saying is that I don’t think we can stand firm on truth if we do not know it personally and intimately. Own the Truth. Be possessive of it and obsessive about it. (RAGE!) Pursue Him relentlessly. Let the Word be your backbone.

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:4-5

Vacation 2008 (and song lyrics)

I have determined not to bore my few readers with too much "kid" talk anymore (which, for the record, may be difficult). So, I won't go through the detailed version of our family vacation. So, just a random list instead. Though if you enjoy seeing pics of my peeps, there is a link in the sidebar.

* Vacation with little ones can be difficult. Staying up late, messing with their routines, going all day long. After three days of it, they are exhausted, as are we. I don't know if it was worth it, or if they will even remember it. I know there were moments that they were elated and excited about what we were doing; regardless, I just kept thinking I know I'm going to miss this. I don't want to get stuck on the negative, i.e. whining, diarrhea, money spent, time stuck in the car, repetitive phrases, McDonalds. This phase of life is taxing at times, but I already grieve it's end. Grayson's sweet little voice, his passion for all things fuel-powered, his belief that Mommy can make it better, Season's beautiful face making it's way out from underwater, her belief that I am basically perfect (though I did embarass her by dancing in the bathroom "Mo-om Stop!"). Yep, I'm gonna miss this.


* Speaking of song lyrics, they can really get ahold of your mind. For years and years. And they will show up when you least expect it. Like when your two-year-old says "Back to the Hotel," and all you can think of is a terribly sinful rap song. I checked the lyrics just now (please don't do that) and was grossed-out. I told Graham how awful it was....his response: "Well, I can't think of any other reason a gangsta' would want to go back to the hotel. Sure not to swim." Nevertheless, "back to the hotel" was a phrase we heard a lot! (for swimming purposes of course)

*Graham has decided that McDonald's and Wal-Mart are taking over the world. And Starbuck's too. Monday nite we went to our McDonald's and Season wanted a Happy Meal because she was set on getting the Kung Fu Panda prize they were advertising. So when she opened the Meal and got a Speedracer prize instead, she wasn't very Happy. She couldn't understand why they would tell you one thing and and then give you something else. Hmmm, welcome to the real world baby. I tried to explain false advertisement, and finally just said they were liars. lol oh, another song lyric to tie to this randomness....You can't always get what you want


*I have decided that Season will cease wearing swimsuits at the age of ten or younger if I so see fit. In fact, swimsuits should probably just be outlawed. What would be wrong with just a tank top and shorts? How old-fashioned am I? We got an eyeful of them at the waterpark. I threw up in my mouth a few times watching the boys watch the girls. At one time Graham asked, "Is that somebody's mom?" It made me laugh. But, yeah that is somebody's mom or daughter. Modesty should be important as Christians. Now I don't think we have to take it this far. However, our outside must be a reflection of our hearts for Him. Solutions, anyone?

*I'll conclude with this pic of my man. He insisted we pull over and get this shot. If I made a big deal every time I saw my name in print....

Unfortunately, I am reminded everyday that I am a sinner saved by grace by the simple fact that the above statement shared by Mr. Bunny is my natural tendency. No, Mr. Ray Comfort, I am not a good person.

The love of Jesus is amazing. He watches us mess up again and again, and His love is just as overwhelming and unfailing the last time we fail as it was the first.

I, on the other hand, ask like Peter did, "uh, Lord, how many times do I have to watch people make the same mistake before I can just cross them off my list? How many times do I have to pretend that I believe the facade they present." And, He gently reminds me that He keeps me on His list.

1 Peter 4:7 says to be "clear minded and self-controlled so that [I] can pray." I cannot allow my mind to be infiltrated by resentfulness, confusion, or trying to figure out why people do what they do. I cannot act on my fleshly tendencies to want to behave in an unChrist-like manner based on what other people do. I have to pray for myself and others. I can't pray unless I am "clear-minded and self-controlled."

1 Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." The Scripture doesn't give me a list of people I should love deeply, or "fervently" as the KJV says. Nope, I can't choose to love only certain people. I am just called to love. In loving like Jesus, we cover over sin!? Wow. The love of Jesus is perfect. It is, as Shelly read in Lifegroup, 1Corinthians 13. The question is not can I do it, but will I do it? (Because His Word says I can) If I want perfect peace, If I want to see my brothers and sisters in Christ in perfect peace, I have to love. I have to constantly lay my natural tendencies at His feet because He is searching my heart and my mind and He, the almighty God of everything, the One who truly covers over my sin, He knows my motives (1Chronicles28:9) He sees right through the facade. That strikes the fear of God in me.

Just because...

It makes me guffaw. and it was made for Graham by a family friend in 1980. and his momma was trying to sale it in a garage sale today. Poor Bert or is it Ernie? Either way he just looks so sweet and humble waiting for you to take his head off and grab some cookies.

Parties, Progeny, & Prayer

Well, we had a good time yesterday. But then we do fratenize with some peculiar people, the likes of which are pictured below. I seriously wish everyday was a holiday and we could just hang out and play games and talk and eat while our kids ran around naked in the backyard creating water parks.


Ok, so I'm changing the subject. My girl is a graduate! What a stinkin' ordeal just to get outta preschool. Don't even get Graham started. But the kids had fun and felt special, and that was the point, I think? Season was a cutie in her poodle skirt, and I was quite proud of her for getting on the stage and actually "performing" for others. (One of my fears is that my children will be painfully shy, like my sister and I were.) I am both excited and nervous about "real" school starting. I know once she gets in the school groove, she will love it and be an awesome student, but I'm so going to miss her. Season and Bubba at her school party.

At graduation with her friend Kaydee

Dancing At the Hop

Season - class of 2021


Grayson told me that Jesus and God live in his belly button. And then he held his belly and said "OOOWWWWWW!" When I asked him what was wrong, he said, "God bites." hehehe so cute. He has also known for several months that he is having his birthday party (in July) at the swimming pool. He has terrorized the whole family and also random people at times talking about it. His favorite question as of late is "When my birthday be open?" And what an interesting ride is potty training a boy. We have peed so many places outside lately (And when I say we I mean Grayson with a little help from me), and I am beginning to think it might be slightly bad decorum. Yes, I think I have just made that decision, no more peeing outside unless it is in my own backyard, or the grandparents' backyard, or maybe a friend's backyard, and okay the ballpark, that's okay, right? Look, I am just happy that he is doing it.


Speaking of my children, I want to share some scripture that I have somewhat paraphrased to pray specifically for my children. Colossians 1:9-14 -
Since the day you were born we have not stopped praying for you and asking God to fill you with the knowledge of His will through all spiritual wisdom and understanding. We pray this so that you may live a life worthy of the Lord and may please Him in every way; bearing fruit in every good work, growing in the knowledge of God being strengthened with all power according to His glorious might so that you may have great endurance and patience and joyfully give thanks to the Father who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in the kingdom of light for He has rescued you from the dominion of darkness and brought you into the kingdom of the Son He loves, in whom you have redemption Amen. I'm claiming it.

Does anyone know how to avoid being covered in puke when you have a two-year-old with the virus? oh. my. ugh. Thankfully, he is almost back to his happy-go-lucky self today.

My family girls and I went on a mini shopping trip this past weekend. In addition to Ikea and Garden Ridge, we went to The Dump, which ain't just any Dump.

Our trip required much gallivanting, and my sister's Garmin made that totally rock! It's hard not to think about the way God works when using a GPS. Everytime you took a wrong turn, a women's voice on the Garmin would say, "Recalculating." God knows our beginning and our ending; and I think that He gives us the choice on the stuff in between. Not that He doesn't know already what choice we will make, but that maybe somewhere He has our "perfect"course mapped out and everytime we choose wrong He says, "Hmmm, ok, recalculating." Don't misunderstand, I have no idea how God really works. He is much too high for my brain matter. But I do know that He will work all the wrong turns and u turns of our life together for good if we delight in Him.

My child has issues. Issues with loud noises and chaos. The whole time we were eating at Pappadeaux(obviously pronounced papadoughs not Papaducks unless you're my sister) she had her ears plugged with her little fingers, her big beautiful eyes jetting to and fro every corner of that place. It was insanity in there with sooo many people talking, standing around gabbing at the bar, plus it was so dark in there you literally had no idea whether you were eating shrimp or clam until you bit into it. Anyway, she was seriously unable to function while trying to understand this environment. My sheltered little girl....

Cuttin' it

I learned today that offering to mow the yard is an aphrodisiac to my husband. I was actually surprised that he allowed me to do it, and by "it" I mean cut the grass, as the first and last time I mowed I ran over something I shouldn't have.

It took me about an hour and a half to do the whole yard, during which time I listened to Mr. Todd Friel at a decibel I'm sure was inappropriate for my earholes. I began to enjoy the manual labor (it is still manual if you are riding, right?), getting some sun, sweating a bit, looking back and seeing the progress I'd made, that is until I began sneezing uncontrollably which led me to pee my pants, I mean you know just a little cause I'm over 30 and pushed out two kids and things like that just start to happen unfortunately. ugh! Anyway, Graham was appreciative of my labor, mostly I think because he is in-love with his land. And the fact that I paid his land some attention made him happy. Lately, most of our conversations go like this:

Me: Hey sweetie-pie honey bun hot stuff! How was your day?

Him: Oh, it's great being that I have so many hours of daylight left to work my land.

Me: You should have seen your son today. He is so funny.

Him: Did you see the land? Doesn't it look awesome there where I cleared out all those stinkin' oak trees?

Me: Uh, yeah. Anyway we went to the library today and then visited my grandparents.

Him: I think I'll get on the four-wheeler and drive around a few hours staring at the land.

Me: so what do ya want for dinner dear?

Him: Did you see the pile of brush that I'm gonna burn later? It's going to look so much better when I get that done. By the way, do you wanna do it later?

Me: do you mean cut the grass?

this is where he wants to put the house

Ok ok so I exaggerate a tad. But, he is very passionate about working the land. In fact, Season said he should just marry it. lol I do love that he is so focused on something and does whatever he is doing with a ragingawesome tenacity. He wants us to have a home that we can share and enjoy the rest of our life together. I want to continue to be patient in the meantime and be a helpmeet in whatever way I can. I pray that we can keep our God-focus most of all.

check the beautimous shirt my bfffffff created for me.

CONVICTED

Our justice system sometimes convicts people for things they did not do. But when the Holy Spirit convicts, no jury is needed. If you are feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit, you may as well stop running from it because there is no doubt that you are guilty. Ouch. Why does it sting so bad? I think it's that in being convicted by God you know what He is showing you is truth. And it hurts to admit that we have been wrong. We don't want to admit that we have flaws, or atleast I don't. It's easy to look at somebody else and see their imperfections, but when the finger is pointed at ourself, we like to look over our shoulder and avoid it.

So that's how I felt last week when God grabbed ahold of me as I read some random blog. By the time I got to the end of said random blog, I was wiping away tears of conviction, remorse and sadness. Now, I don't expect everyone felt this way after reading it, but the young man in her recount made me instantly think of my husband. Graham is that man everywhere he goes--always looking for a way to help. The author's explanation of how the young man's simple gesture affected her so deeply made me feel so ugly as so many times I have such a sorry attitude when Graham is helping somebody else (i.e. not me). I don't think about how his actions may be speaking to others, only that I am somehow feeling ignored by him (Ugh!). When he is being kind, I am not thinking about how God may be glorified through Graham's willingness; I am only thinking about how he is not focused on me at the time. It made me sick to my stomach to think of how selfish I have been, and of all things, I DO NOT want to be selfish! But, I have been. Maybe not blatantly, but in my thoughts as I think "What about me?" instead of "What about God?" My attitude not only hurt Graham, but it stood between me and God.

I had to apologize to Graham. I want to be completely supportive of his actions for Christ. I usually get irritated when we go out and he not only opens the door for me but a whole multitude behind me. I keep walking and talking and as I look back, I realize I am talking to myself and there's Graham holding the door smiling and greeting the people. I shouldn't keep walking. I should be standing right beside him with a friendly smile as well. I remember one time we went shopping and as we were leaving the store, a woman with a toddler was struggling to carry this huge plastice drawer thingie. I actually got slightly perturbed when Graham took time away from me to help this woman carry the drawer to her car. I wasn't thinking of the joy Graham was bringing to God or the impact he might be having on the woman.

I hate admitting that I am that selfish at times, but I also know that I am not alone in my selfishness. It just manifests differently in all of us as we all struggle to die daily to Christ. So, conviction is pain, but I love that He loves us enough to meet us right where we are, to show the areas that most definitely need improvement. He wants us to be all we can in Him...to pursue righteousness. In order to do that, we must listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit however He chooses to speak to us and be willing to scrape out what does not belong--to replace selfishness with self-sacrifice, replace a sorry attitude with a cheerful heart. I like that the guilt of conviction is fleeting. He does not want us condemned. He just points it out and if you are willing to recieve it, swallow the fact that you are not perfect, He then replaces that guilt with joy because of His amazing sacrifice.
He must become greater. I must become less.

Caught Red-handed

This was Season's explanation to coloring her entire hand with a red marker: "It was an accident," which was then followed by a mound of supposedly repentful tears. But since she is five and we were in a good mood, her dad and I just laughed. In fact, Graham told her to color the other hand green so could play "Stop and Go" on the playground with the kids at school.
But how many times do we use the same silly excuse with God when our sins finally find us out. Except our excuses sound more like this: "Well, I only did it one time." or "I didn't think it would happen to me." or "That's not what I intended to happen," and so on and so on. We have a plethora of sorry explanations, but all we are saying is that our sins are somehow an accident and not our fault.
But just like Season who has always been tempted where markers are concerned--she loves to color outside the lines, far outside the lines--we too know where we are tempted and so does the devil. Satan wants to devour us(1 Peter 5:8) and we choose to give him a foothold(Eph. 4:27) And I'm not just talking about the obvious public sins. If I am tempted to sleep late and then forego devotion, rushing through my day trying to get everything done, yelling and getting mad at my kids because they are getting in my way. This is a sin just as is murder (obviously the consequences are different)and neither are an accident. God sees my choice to sleep rather than set Him as a priority. You might as well paint my hand red. Anytime He is not our focus and our own fleshly needs take precedence, it is sin and for the most part, I believe it is deliberate.
Don't put yourself in the way of temptation, whatever that looks like for you. Don't make excuses when you get caught. Instead fall at His feet, admit your sin with a truly repentful heart and turn from your wicked ways. Don't sit by yourself in a room full of markers with no lids. God will never laugh when we fail, when we knowingly choose to sin. No, because we have the Holy Spirit to lead us moment by moment and He knows the pain it took to wipe out our sin. He was beaten and bruised for our iniquity. I often wonder if He feels that pain still. I am always reminded of a saying I learned when I was in junior high: Sin, it takes you further than you ever intended to go, keeps you longer than you ever intended to stay, and costs you more than you ever intended to pay.

Jesus said "Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."

Highlights

Friday night dinner out with our Baker friends without our kids thanks to Granna and Pappy. Wow. We actually carried on a conversation for longer than ten minutes for the first time in like five years. We went to the River or the Peach Orchard, whatever you prefer to call it, which we decided must be the most Redneck place on the planet. None of us had been there in years (we frequented it often before kids) Anyway, it is now a no-smoking establishment, but the fish baskets are much smaller. I'm not sure if the two are related, but....oh and Christy and I were quite tempted by the pastel pink T-shirts they had for sale with their slogan on it. Just what my life has been missing, a Doug's Peach Orchard t-shirt. hmmmmmm. Good food and Good friends. The only negative to the night was that I broke a tooth while chomping on a hush puppy of all things!? What does that mean? I now have two broken teeth in my mouth, one on each side, makes for some interesting steak chewing.


Saturday my sisters dropped in and supplied pizza for lunch. Free pizza is always a blessing as is a few hours shared with my sisters even if we are doing absolutely nothing. I often feel disconnected from them because we are in different places in our lifes, but I wish I could express to them how much a part of me they are. Anyway, being with them makes me happy, even if my sister did get ticked at me the next day because I told her it was tacky because you could see her bra through her shirt. (in my defense she did ask for my opinion) It is tacky, isn't it? She said everyone knows you are wearing a bra anyway. Yeah, everyone knows you have boobs too, so why are we covering them up? lol So, I've had similar discussions with friends about pantylines. To thong or not to thong. lol Well this highlight got way off track.


Sunday after the usual teaching of the Sunday School to the preschoolers and awesome praise/worship service, we enjoyed a message preached by an evangelist. As he started his sermon, I wasn't really paying attention. I'm sure I was digging in my purse for a fingernail file. I knew he was rattling off Scripture, which is not unusual at all as we are sitting in a churchhouse. But my sister tapped me on the shoulder and said "Did you know he is not using a Bible?" So I sat there for another few minutes in astonishment. He never used a Bible the whole sermon, and he quoted chapter verse more Scripture than I've heard in months of sermons. Not only would he quote the particular Scripture, but he would also quote the Scripture it referenced if it did. And he was some kind of character. He is from Oklahoma, but at times he would use an English accent and at others he rolled his R's as if he were Hispanic. Quite entertaining, and if you could get past all that, he preached a great sermon. I mean I don't really remember what it was, but he was anointed nonetheless (is "anointed" just a word used by Pentecostals?...just wondering)

Monday is pick-up the house day, as is every day, but the house seems to be especially messy after the weekend. I reinstated the kids' daily Bible study and was surprised by how excited they were about it. They have reminded me that we have to do it each day since. Oh, and I was quite proud of myself for getting some sewing projects finished. And when I say project, I mean sewing buttons back on pants. I procrastinate things like that that I don't really want to do but always feel such relief in actually getting it done. And then I wonder why I didn't do the particular project so much earlier. Story of my life.

Tuesday is Grayson's favorite day of the week. We drop Season off at school and usually get donuts and piggies for breakfast. Later that morning it is time for the library program. I think he looks so forward to it because it is the first thing that he has done by himself without tagging along with Season. He asks every few hours every day, "We go to libary togam today and get backpack?" I love seeing him interacting with the other kids and participating without me forcing him to (which took a few weeks). Then we wasted some time at Wal-Mart until time to get Season. Looked at all the trucks in the toy section and when he asked for something I told him to tell Gran Gran he wanted for his birthday. His only prize was a King size Reese's, which worked out well for me too.

Wednesday lifegroup day. But before that the kids and I managed to make it to the park and have a McDonald's picnic. And it tired Grayson out and he thankfully came home and took a nap without a fight! Yea quiet time! I do love having lifegroup in our home. What a special thing it is to be surrounded by friends as we delve into His Word. And I told Graham tonight it is still so strange to hear him talking about God as he does. His excitement about what God has done in his life and continues to do has not ceased. He loves the Lord passionately and truly wants to share Him with the whole world. I am so proud of him. Definitely worth highlighting.

Happy Birthday to Jew!

This is the phrase I heard several times from my boy Sunday! So now I am a very mature 31. So surreal, but in a good way. I felt very special on my birthday, even though my man was sick. (he tried to pretend he wasn't, which really made him even more pitiful) I was blessed by several happy birthday phone calls and myspace wishes, see myspace is good for something...)as well as the always loved cards with money
Graham's mom blessed me with a great lunch complete with my favorites And I am so in love with my new perfume they gave me too
We finished our night as a family watching the finale of our new favorite show. Now I am a little torn about whether it is the best thing to be promoting, but we have had so much fun watching the kids impersonate the dadiators as Grayson calls them. Oh, and the Akins brought me a half-eaten cake. (It didn't look like this) which seems rude if you are unaware of the fact that the 17th was also Ty's birthday, and then it totally rocks. The next morning as I checked my email, I was shocked by a "postcard" from Mr. Jon Bon Jovi. Yes, I said Jon Bon Jovi. He literally rocks and so does my BFF Rose btw. So, I am totally excited about the concert and can't wait to see what other kind of freaks are Bon Jovi fans! I've got to freshen up on all his lyrics before April 14th so I can sing every word at the top of my lungs as I do the running man. Yeah, you know me. I have always wanted to go to a Bon Jovi concert, so this is a silly dream come true for me. I don't even listen to his music anymore, but I'll be there for you just did something for my life, lol. So thank you to my friends and family for making my day special! Love!

My little scary bear.



Mommy and Season Sunday morn.

Beyond Measure

I know that I've been given more than Beyond Measure. I have not experienced the tragedy that Jeremy Camp has(lost his first wife to cancer), but I do not need tragedy in order to realize these blessings for which I am unworthy. My life is full of love, no matter where I look, I am surrounded. Many times I ask why? Why is my life so lovely? A question that has no answer. I want to boast only of Him who gave His life that I might have redemption and this awesome peace...in blessings and if tragedy ensues, I KNOW on whom I stand and I KNOW
"that I’ve been,
Given more than beyond measure,
I come alive when,
I see beyond my fears
I know that I’ve been given more than earthly treasure,
I come alive when
I’ve broken down and given you control"

Hope all had a rockin' Valentines day! And that you choose to see Love all around no matter your circumstances.

A Valentines Day Nap....

The Best Part of Waking Up

I am laying on the couch after a day of doctor visits and shopping
for roller skates. Grayson piles on top of me with his blankie,
covering up both of us. He grabs my face and says, "Mommy you're
tute(i.e. cute). You my fweetheart!" Yes, yes I am forever and always.

IDK

Waxing poetic is cool
In theory. Deep Soulful Mysterious
But gashes galore.

Spring forth thematic eruptions
On the surface. Divine Serene Mystical
Buried before brokenness.

Envious of word play
Shallow stuff. Devious Sinister Mischievous
But not the malady.

A vain attempt
Should follow. Daring Senseless Minute
Ineffective before experience.

Lost in clumsy thoughts
thwarted contemplation. Dead Stagnant Mute
In your dreams.

I'm a College Drop-Out.

And I feel so free!

So, yeah, I dropped all of my classes today. Inner turmoil over attacking my first ten-page paper of the semester began plaguing me as soon as I read my syllabus. I couldn't bring myself to even attempt it because, sadly, I didn't freakin' want to. Yesterday, I finally confronted myself and analyzed the situation. I didn't want to be a quitter simply because graduate school was a challenge. I didn't want to be a quitter simply because sometimes I'm lazy and don't want to read a book about counseling ethics. So, I didn't want to give myself the easy way out. That's not how I roll. I quit because I want to be the best wife and mom I can (through Christ obviously) and I had to be honest that I couldn't continue to do that and also be successful at the student thing. I hate that I can't, but I honestly don't know how anybody else is able to do it either. Something or someone has to be compromised, just like it would if I had a job instead of staying at home. I know that God has given me a specific vision, but His timing is different than mine. I must rest easy in that and not try to do things in my own power. With constant due dates, I felt like I was walking around with a fog hanging over my head all of the time. I feel almost guilty saying that I quit simply because I did not want to deal with the stress of it anymore, as I know there are so many stressed-out people these days. But mine was self-induced. (so is a lot of other people's for that matter) Anyways, it's not fair to my kids for me to be in a bad mood because I'm dreading a paper. They are only this age for a vapor, and I want to enjoy them and for them to have memories of a peaceful home with a mom who loved her family without being constantly distracted. So, I am really excited about marking out all of the due dates in my calendar, and doing nothing but being momma and wife, and serving whomever God may put in my path.

God-Promise

Promise from God to my sister and anyone else suffering heartache and grief.......

HE WILL TURN YOUR MOURNING INTO DANCING

HE WILL TURN YOUR SORROW INTO JOY

This is how we overcome

Keep your eyes on Jesus.....This is how we overcome.

He is faithful and He is just. In Him there is always Hope.

Jesus says in John 16:33 (summer's version)"There will be pain in this life. But in me you can have peace. Relax. Be still. I have overcome the world."

This is how we overcome.

Psalm 30 is just awesome.....just so ya know.

The Year

My first thought upon being awakened this morning by a two-year-old screaming for juice was “Wow that was a whacked-out dream!” My next thought was “Why is the phrase whacked-out in my vocabulary my being a normal thirty-year-old white non-toking Christian woman?” But, seriously don’t you wonder where those strange dreams we have originate? You know, if there is any down time in Heaven, I will definitely be talking to Jesus about that topic. I’m sure He is very concerned with it. Anyway, yeah, deep thoughts.

Well, as 2008 has officially begun, I guess I will be like everybody else, ‘cause that’s the kind of person I am, and reflect on 2007. Mostly, for me, it was the year that I realized I am really for reals an adult. I mean I knew it before but now, there is no turning back.

*The year of the birthday: 30th birthday to be exact. I am 30--It is hard to say. I remember being a teen and thinking that 30 was soooo old, but I don’t feel old, I mean except when my knee catches when I try to get out of a chair and when I can’t run around the bases without pulling a muscle. Shut up I am not out of shape! But I’m cool with 30. I will still wear my cheesy saying t-shirts and printed socks. I will still say freakin’(and whacked-out) and I will still roll down hills and play headphones with my friends. But, because I am 30, I will not wear skirts above the knee or expose my stomach or dye my hair purple. And I will try to stop blowing bubbles when I chew gum and giggling at stupid jr. high jokes.

*The year of the anniversary: 10 years together. We’ve got this marriage thing down…it is my security, my safe place. We are in the same place finally, ready to look to the future whatever it may hold and willing to learn from each other and change the things that need to be changed. We get each other and the roles we have to fulfill in order to be successful in our marriage for years to come. Gag gag gag I know. Truth nonetheless. And we finally made a budget together. Ten years and finally we can talk about money lol

*The year of the school party: ugh…..school parties! Anyway, so Season started preschool this year and I have to be the mom and stand around with the other moms at the holiday parties. I don’t know why but that just brings me to the realization that both she and I are getting older and changing. I can only reflect now on her babyhood. So many more plateaus to come in the lives of my children. Am I ready? Are they ready? Am I doing everything I can each and every day to help them to become mature and responsible in Christ? And as they enter school and all the other things like t-ball, gymnastics, etc., I have to remember that is the goal. Not for them to be like the world, but for them to be like Christ.

*The year of the drop: I dropped one of my classes this past semester. It was pivotal for me because first of all I had never dropped a course before. And second of all because it was admitting I couldn’t do something I had set out to do or at least not as well as I wanted to. Again, I had to admit I was getting old, that I can’t stay up all night working on papers anymore. That college, and a master’s degree is no longer a top priority in my life as it was when I was younger. In working my brain to death, I was ignoring a dream I had already realized without even knowing I had the dream, and it has nothing to do with knowledge, degrees or dollars.

*The year of the purple: I painted my kitchen walls purple! Yea! And I still love it. For me, it wasn’t just about painting the walls. It was about making a decorating decision in my home all by myself without being influenced to do it the safe and acceptable way (or the way Graham would do it lol) And it made me so happy when it actually looked good! Or at least that’s what people tell me to my face. I have many more plans for paint on my walls now. And it is fun to know that my home can actually reflect who I am.

So, 2007 was a year of turning points. I am excited for 2008 as things continue to change. Obviously I have goals. And they all involve that dreaded discipline word that we all know I have problems with. I know that first and foremost I want to continue to strive to be what God wants me to be in everything ‘cause when I am 90 years old and I look back on my life, that's all that will matter.