Confession

I am a thief. There. I said it. Or I was a thief for like five minutes. So does that still qualify as an official thief? That's what I was asking God anyway right after I grabbed my receipt and my buggy and noticed the two dollar and fifty cent cupcakes sitting there so innocently under my big honkin' purse. The cupcakes were for a good cause, my cousin's birthday, so doesn't that make it okay to just go ahead and slip quietly out the door without paying for them. After all, lol, I am a good person. That's what I thought as I held Grayson on my hip and stared sweetly straight into the eyes of the Wal-Mart lady standing at the exit checking receipts of people who ding when they walk out. I sailed right past the dinger thinking how easy it is for a smiling mom with cute kids to steal. Unfortunately for the devil in me, I had promised Season we would rent a movie at the Redbox machine right outside the door. So, I had to stop, which meant I had time to think (stupid conscience!) I tried to bargain with God. "I'll pay for them next time!" "I mean, it's not as if I had the intention to steal them when I picked them up. It was a sheer oversight. An innocent accident." "The lines! God the lines are soooooo loooong!" Anyway, that's kind of how it went during the few minutes that it took to rent Underdog. I really just did not want to go back into that stressful moneyhole. It took me hours just to find the shortest check-out, which just so happened to be the self check-out, which, let's be honest, usually takes longer. There is a definite technique to the scanning. One that's not so easy to perfect with the help of two-year-old. Anyway, I did. Go back in. I left my basket outside and told the Wal-Mart exit greeter lady that I "forgot" to pay for the cupcakes. Luckily, God smiled on me and I didn't even have to wait in line. I went back in because I stopped. I stopped long enough to consult with God. Pausing is good. Think before you leap. Oh wait it's look before you leap. I took time to think about what my actions revealed and how they would affect me. Would the effects of stealing two dollar cupcakes be massive? Not outwardly, but I knew, for me, I wouldn't be able to get away from it. Every time I faced God, I would be reminded of my internal ugliness. oh wait. That happens anyway. I'm beginning to ramble. What I am trying to say is I'm a sinner saved by grace. I'm ugly. I'm a thief. Thank God he replaces my ashes with His beauty.

BTW-I didn't even eat a bite of the stupid cupcakes. But I took a moment to pose with the instigators, just in case you were beginning to think that I am not a dork.

Birthdays and Bliss

This past month has been busy and fun-filled for us. The first of November marked the tenth year of marriage for me and my man. Ten years of wedded bliss…I’m sorry but that phrase makes me laugh and wanna throw up all at the same time. Not that there haven’t been moments of bliss or as my favorite dictionary says moments of being on cloud nine or in seventh heaven. But I’m afraid too many people go into marriage with the idea that bliss will just overtake their life, when in reality marriage is about doing life--good, bad, and ugly-- side by side (or, okay, one tiny step behind your man if you want to get all Biblically-technical about it!) It’s about putting the person you love before yourself, accepting him unconditionally, and encouraging and supporting him. To me, it’s about putting him and our marriage in God’s hands and laying my selfishness at His feet. And I’ve only really learned this the last two years, and am still not perfect at putting it into practice. The first ten years were definitely a learning experience, but so worth the end result. Graham and I are happier than we’ve ever been, serving God together, and seeking to be what He wants us to be both individually and as a couple. Sorry if I am making you sick with our blissfulness….hehehe. Believe me, we annoy each other like crazy. Our personalities and ways of seeing things our pretty much opposite, so yeah, we definitely have our disagreements. Give and take. But, I am so excited about the future! We celebrated ten years with a ski trip to Colorado. Graham loves to ski and is pretty good at it. I, on the other hand, can ski but not so good. Fear seems to overtake me at the top of every mountain. Many parallels to life abound in skiing for me. Graham hits the top and doesn’t slow down ‘til he gets to the bottom. I tend to take it a little at a time, slowly but with a focus. (Which is seriously a much more painful way to ski, but I am skeered to go fast!) I don’t think our ways of skiing necessarily mirror the way we attack life, but, okay I’ll stop being deep. Anyway, we had fun skiing. The mountains are absolutely majestic! The air is crisp and clear and the pure white snow unmuddied by the world is heavenly. After finally finishing up a difficult semester of classes, my vacation was more about being able to relax, so I spent some time in the hotel room by myself and Graham got to ski the Blacks by himself. He met some interesting people on the lifts, of course. And I did nothing! Loved it. Driving home(15 hours I might add)was even fun, planning a financial budget for the year and singing to the radio (Chicago rocks), giving shout-outs to Quanah Parker and even Baby Jesus,lying in the middle of a courthouse lawn.


Season celebrated her fifth birthday on Dec. 2nd. So, ten years of marriage and five years of parenting….wow. Most of the time I feel like I’ve been doing both forever, but then sometimes I feel like such a novice, bumbling around trying to figure out how in the world to do it right. It’s a cliché, but I cannot believe my baby is 5! Though I thought it strange, she wanted a penguin party, and of course a sleepover. And because yes I am crazy, I let her invite ten friends and family to spend the night. I think they all had fun, and it really wasn’t that difficult, except at bedtime. It took two hours to finally get all of them to sleep at the same time. I kept imagining that they were really all mine, which was a scary thought at first. But then I thought about all of the help I would have if I trained ‘em up just right. If I had ten kids, after about five years, I could just sit on the couch all day while the older ones took care of everything. Yep, it would be great. Tunnel vision. Anyway, Graham of course came up with the entertainment, a scavenger hunt and air mattress gymnastics. He is a fun daddy.

At the present, we are trying to potty train Grayson. He and Graham have actually been in the bathroom for about an hour. Apparently things are not coming out so well. But, Graham was so excited today. He has been working for TxDot for ten years and was recognized today for his service. Here he is pictured with his colossal award.
Obviously he has been an excellent employee.


Aren't you glad that we will ultimately recieve our just rewards in heaven?

Lost

Imagine you awaken in a room of darkness, black darkness so thick you can feel it as you reach out in search of the familiar. Darkness that causes you to cry out with sheer terror. Darkness that causes you to call out in fear because you are blind to all of your surroundings. Your heart beats uncontrollable. Your palms sweat profusely. Your screams go unheard. No one comes to your rescue. And slowly your eyes become accustomed to the darkness that envelopes you. You manage to find your way inside the black pit of night that you have found yourself in. It becomes part of you. Though you wonder why and how you got to that dark place, you no longer try to escape. You are no longer fearful, though a slight discomfort constantly invades your soul, as if you are bumping into things in the night. Frequently, you are again caught off guard by the darkness, but it always becomes your companion once more.

Suddenly out of nowhere you glimpse a light. A light so bright that it swallows the darkness that has become you and causes you to long for more. The light is fleeting, not wanting to stay long in the pit that is you. As you see the light looking for an escape you grab it and manage to steal a fragment of the brightness. But it doesn’t satisfy. Each time you close your eyes and open them again, you are fearful once more, in search of the little piece of light you found. The darkness is beguiling, convincing you that it just doesn’t get any brighter. Eventually your fragment burns out. You are left alone. Now your terror is unsettling. The light haunts you there in your pit of darkness. Why doesn’t someone reach out to you? Are you so lost that they can’t find you? Can they not shine their light into your black soul? You know the Light is out there, but you are drowning in a lake of black night. Your insides scream with restlessness. You are unable to move, isolated. You will remain there, waste away there. Helpless, lost, abandoned, forgotton because no one was willing to share the Light.

God, I want to share You. Rid me of my pride. Scrape away every part of me that is not You, so I can shine Your Light with boldness to those living in darkness. Because the truth is, without You, I am just a soul of night, too.

God gives...

Do you ever look at your kids? No, I mean really stop and breathe in every ounce of who God made them. Why do we get so busy that we forget to do this? I'm with mine pretty much 24/7, and I "overlook" them all of the time in lieu of homework, cleaning up, and general unimportant details. I don't want to. I want every day to be a day of standing in awe of what God has given me. My children's beauty and being often catches me off guard. It humbles me. Tucking Grayson in the other night I stared at him for the longest, telling him what a miracle he was. He kissed me as tears rolled down my face in thankfulness for what I do not deserve. It's as if God has to grab me by the shoulders sometimes and shake me and say "LOOK! They are what really matters in this life! Mother them as if you are mothering me!" If I was born for nothing else, I was born to be their mom and to be a wife to Graham. God has given me other things to "do," other people to love, but He always bring me back to Himself and then my little family for true contentment and joy. And that's what this week has been to me...a time of refreshing with my family. Graham was able to take off of work a few days, and we just hung out as a family. We had a picnic and silly fun at the park(some pics in sidebar). Friday we took Season to see the Bee Movie. Saturday the girls stayed busy at home, while the men did "men" things, you know burn stuff and build stuff. Graham and I even got to watch both of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies after the kids went to bed, and we finally booked a small vacation for our tenth anniversary.
This life bring ups and downs physically, emotionally, circumstantially. I do not want to take this "up" for granted. Because the truth is, it could all come crashing down tomorrow. This life is a vapor, as my husband often reminds me. And our God is no respecter of persons. Sorry, I don't intend to be a Debbie Downer, as my sister calls me, just a realist. So, yeah, I am thankful and overwhelmed by His blessings.

And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him. Colossians 3:17

Saturday afternoon.

Saturday we pulled out the paints and had some fun. Thought I'd share our final products...


I call this uh.."Saturday afternoon." I know, I know
the pure creative genius of each stroke is overwhelming.


Grayson loves to paint, or uh dump out paint....


all over himself. It looks tragic, huh.
He enjoyed washing it all off with the waterhose, too.


My big girl. She calls the one on the left "Big Dipper"
and the one on the right "Pool." I love how she really
thinks about what she is painting, and explained each painting
to me as she did it.



This has nothing to do with anything, but if you are a lover of the words as I am, you will so enjoy this cool dictionary. Try it. It's fun. Yes, dictionaries can be fun!

It ends well.

I can only think randomly as of late, too much swimming inside my head to really focus on one thing. That’s why it’s been a whole month since my last post! So, I thought I would make a “random” list so maybe you can really get an idea of what it’s like to live inside my head. Scary thought, huh? I think that is how I cope, don’t focus on anything for too long so as to not get lost in it. I think that’s why school has been so difficult for me lately. Writing 10-page papers takes focus, and it’s just something that my lazy self does not want to do right now. So in honor of my thought process, a random list.

1. I am so hacked off at people who see the need to display a life-size Freddy Krueger in their yard. Is that entirely necessary? Especially when I know these people have children under the age of ten. Is that really what you want in their heads? I know it’s Halloween or whatever, but making a graveyard in your front yard? Why is that acceptable? I don’t have a problem with letting my kids participate in Halloween through dress-up, trick-or-treating, or the carnivals that abound during that time, but when I have to drive by a stinkin’ Freddy Kreuger waving at me everyday just to get home, that I have a problem with. And I don’t even live on Elm Street!

2. My boy is the cutest, orneriest, sweetest, silliest person I know. I love him! But he is really good at driving me bananas, and I think he knows it already. In fact I think he intentionally walks around the house and takes inventory, noting things that he can destroy, spread all over the house, or lather all over himself when I’m not looking for a few minutes. I think he is constantly making mental notes to himself like “ok, if I drag that chair over here in front of the sink, I can then reach the faucet. I can turn the water on and fill up the cups and then dump it in the floor! Mom will love that!” Tuesday as I was trying to get ready to go to the Pregnancy Center, he had toilet papered his whole room, taken the hand soap from the bathroom and slathered it in his hair, and gathered a stack of DVD’s to take “bye bye.“ Then just for good measure he dumped out his block, legos, and a jar of buttons that he found somewhere. He has so much fun! When we go to Wal-Mart or “Mal-Nart” as he calls it, he yells, very passionately, the name of each item he knows. “Fish!” “Cereal!” “Juice!” He is just such a boy. Something I know very little about. It is such an exciting challenge though. The other night he was coughing a lot, wasn’t sleeping well. I went to his room, asked him if he was okay, patted his head, gave him a kiss. He said, “Thanks Mommy.” The next morning he climbed under the covers with me and snuggled up. Out of the blue he says, “Mommy I love jew(you)” And then struggled to get his arms out of the covers, spread ‘em out, and say, “This much.” Man, little boys know just how to love (and terrorize) their mommies!


3. I am so excited for my friends, the Tefertillers, who leave Saturday for Africa. Keep them in your prayers as they strive to follow God’s lead and share His love outside of the U.S. I so admire their passion for and obedience to our God. Good people, and I love ‘em! I just have this feeling that God is about to reveal how real He is to new people everywhere, from here to Africa! Really! I can literally feel a churning! That sounds so stupid I know, but I’m just excited! Now you may not be able to see it outwardly (that’s not my style lol) but WOW! HE IS SO REAL! Get ready! We had a little party for the T’s last night, and as our awesome friend Terrie read Revelations 9-10 After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb." I was so moved as I envisioned that scene. Think about it. I so want to be there, don’t you?


Well, I had a lot more randomness goin' on, but thinking about Jesus and worshipping Him in our home in Heaven kind of rids your mind of all the clutter.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth
Psalm 57:5

Awesomeness

Today I just want to say that my God is awesome. He is awesome for so many reasons that I am unable to adequately express, but I'm gonna try a few.

1. When you give to Him, He gives back so much more. Graham and I made a pact with God of some sort last week, concerning discipline in our lives. Just a small step really, but our relationship this week has just been fun. We have been able to find joy despite not feeling 100%. We have blessed each other with grace in times that we wouldn't usually. And in my thinking, it's all because of God. We agreed to be more focused on Him, and He, in His overwhelming grace and mercy, decided to pour us down a blessing!

2. He created a beautiful night. Saturday night I stood outside in my driveway just staring up at the sky in childlike amazement. The stars were just Wow! You could like see every single one of them and they seemed as if you could reach out and grab them. They were so visible because there was no moon. The sky was absolutely pitch (whatever that means!) black. We should shine like that in this world. We should sharply contrast with the darkness around us. Hmmmmmm....it's a challenge. I know I'm not "shiney" enough. Thank God He continues to polish us daily.

3. He has a sense of humor. That same night as I admired the stars, I had a conversation with Graham and a good old friend of his. I laughed at them and they wondered why. I didn't laugh because anything was funny but because our conversation was somewhat ironic. Not so many years ago I would have been extremely angry at them and their heathen ways. But not so anymore as we discussed our God and His ways instead.

**Why is God awesome to you? Come on and leave me a comment and brag on Him. Show us some love. hehehehe


Psalm 34 1-3
I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together.

Lappin' it up...

Well, this may be my last post for a while as my school just started up again. And from my perspective it is hard core. This is my third semester. My third semester to look at all those assignments and feel like I'm drowning while I think “How will I ever get all that completed?” I do honestly love being a student, but I don’t love feeling pressured by due dates! And trying to figure out how and when it will all get done. I do not want to get straight A's but be a bad mom and wife, so I struggle to keep my head above water every semester. And I know, I know, I signed up for this. I am paying for this! Why? Because I know God has some kind of plan He is working on up there. And when I was seeking whether He really wanted me to do this or not, I was like, uh, God don’t you know this is going to be hard, take time, money, etc. blah blah blah. He was like, uh, what? Do you think I’m only supposed to ask you to do easy things? How do you think Moses felt or Abraham, or you know, what about my son Jesus? Ok Ok I get you God. Sometimes we have to Do Hard Things, right girls? (lol) And as I complain, I know that in the big scheme of things being a grad student is really no big deal. But it is still my reality at this point in my life and this is my blog so there you go. So needless to say, on average for the next three months I have about two 8 page papers due per week, along with two tests. And that’s only nine hours people. It is a real challenge for me, one I am incapable of completing without God.

I did something else hard this week, too. I lived through a softball game in which we lost 30-5. It was horrible! It really was my definition of hell on earth. My team could not do much of anything right. I was completely miserable and helpless standing at first base. The only way it could have been worse is if it were a few degrees hotter…..and I was naked. Seriously! Torture.

My Season went to her first day of preschool yesterday. I really don’t know what happened while she was there, except that they had popcorn for snack and she played in the dirt. But when I picked her up she was smiling. That’s good right? Lol. She really did have a good time and is ready to go back. I’m excited that she’s excited. She also had gymnastics yesterday. It was the most hilariously adorable thing I’ve ever seen, and she loved every minute of it. This season of her life is just a lot of fun. She is learning so much so quickly, and I admire the joy she finds in the simple things. I love being her mommy.

So, I am about to listen to a lecture online. That is the truth of my life. It is such an exciting one...sitting on my couch wearing headphones with my laptop... in my lap hehe

Who do you say I am?

I have often said that I don’t care what people think of me, that whether you like me or not matters little to me. I am just who I am and am not willing to change to make you like me. And though it is still mostly how I feel, I realize now that it may not always be Christ-like to think like this. Growing up and still to this day, I have had people tell me that they didn’t think I liked them, or that they didn’t like me until they really got to know me, that they thought I was a "snob." I am quiet, reserved, shy, introverted, all those stinkin’ words that I have come to hate, but that’s who I am. That is how God made me I guess. So, am I responsible for other people’s perceptions of me? Can I help the judgments people form of me before they ever know me? Unfortunately, whether I like it or not, I believe the responsibility is mostly mine. This is a hard truth for me because I really am oblivious to others around me for the most part. (not to their needs, but to their perceptions of me. I want to be a servant, I just don't want to be concerned with people I am unaware of forming opinions of me) I just do my thang and don’t really think about much else, until it’s over. Then I might look back and think hmmmm I wonder what so and so thinks about me. But then I think who cares and move on. Honestly, and until recently I didn’t really realize that everybody was not like that.

But, I feel awkward making small talk with people, so a lot of times I just say nothing. I hate forced conversations. But, I really do envy that quality in people to make those around them feel comfortable. My husband is so good at that. I just feel stupid when I open my mouth to talk to somebody I don’t know that well. I really do desire to be more approachable, though. I desire to be a reflection of the joy I feel in my heart. I want all people to see Jesus in me, not just the people I know well. I want strangers to feel secure in my presence and not wonder whether I like them or not. In order to do this I have to embody the fruits of the spirit. People should see love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control when they look at me. I don’t think that is expecting too much of myself. It may be difficult to overcome my weaknesses. In fact, it will be impossible without Jesus working through me, without my obedience to walk in the spirit. I must step out when He says to step out. I don’t have to be something I’m not, but I must be the me He created me to be. And I don’t think he created me to use my weaknesses as excuses or crutches. I think He gave me weaknesses so that He could show His awesome strength in my life.

So, I really don’t care what people think of me. But I do care what God thinks of me.

Covered Up in Kids!

Catching up

I cannot keep up with my blogging. I just have so many important things to do, lol. No, but really, I have been busy lately. Not with anything huge, but lots of small things that I would like to finish one of these days. And school is about to start back up for me. I am almost dreading it, simply because I have had few deadlines this summer. Deadlines are good for me though because they give my day some discipline whether I like it or not. Season will start preschool this year, too. She is really excited about it, so that is a relief for me. She is also going to be taking gymnastics. I can’t wait to see her do that! But, I’ll blog all about that later. Today I feel like I need to catch up with what’s been happening lately. So this post will be somewhat random, like myself. And I’ll try not to get too deep and reflective as my past few posts have been very much so. I need to lighten up I think!

This past weekend the Pregnancy Center hosted an all-night tournament, at which I played and worked. Needless to say I went a whole 24 hours without sleep! But it was worth it since we raised much-needed funds for the Center. My team did horribly, losing both of our games. Lose two and you’re out. So,yeah. The second game I was just scared of getting hit with the ball at first base by my own shortstop, being that he was mostly drunk. He kept missing the ball and blaming it on Budweiser or Miller or whatever. Funny in a sickening kind of way. He somehow managed to throw me the ball; however, I did try to stop the ball with my ankle at one point. Unfortunately, also,one of our volunteers broke her knee(or something similar, she’s supposed to go to the doctor today to get the prognosis). She was playing hind catcher and pretty much got run over at home plate. It wasn’t pretty at all with her lying on the ground suffering, while the guys on her team were worried about kicking the guy’s butt that slid into her. Anyway, after that, I sat in the bleachers for six hours keeping score. I am a pro at this point. A pro with tons of mosquito bites and a flat sore butt. I learned some new batting techniques, caught up with one of my ex-students (who was also drunk BTW), watched monster moths try to crash the games, and managed to stay awake until the sun came up. Shane (Wendy’s man) very kindly brought me drinks and tried his best to keep me awake, while he was dreaming with his eyes open. All in all it was a good time. I made it to Sunday School and then I crashed like never before. Staying up all night is stupid, no matter the reason. Lol.

Softball has become quite a part of my life this summer, as tonight will be my fourth game in five days. I honestly love it though. I mean I hate playing when it is so hot or when my teammates are drunk, but I do enjoy the competition. This is the first season I have played first base and I like it, though every time the ball is hit toward second base I want to be there too. I pretty much want to be wherever the ball is hit, not that I would catch it every time but I would sure like to try. Is it wrong to be a 30-year-old mom and enjoy sports so much? I just hope my kids enjoy them too. Then, at least I can vicariously live through them, lol.

My kids are still awesome. Grayson makes me laugh so much. He is just so determined when he gets something in his head. He is also very forceful, by that I mean that if he wants to sit in my lap and I am doing something else, he will kick and claw his way to right where he wants to be. And it can be painful. Even his hugs are painful, but so loving too. He is such a show-off. I love it. And Season, wow!, she is growing up so fast, it makes me hurt, too. She is determined, as well. She is very convincing too, making her way somehow seem like the right thing to do. I question how a four-year-old can be so persuasive, and maybe I am just being a pushover. Yeah, that could be it. She is very good at working the tears right when she needs them though. They challenge me, bring me to my knees, fill my house with laughter and love, and make me act seriously silly.

I have enjoyed several times with friends lately, old and new. It is such a blessing to have friends, and good ones at that. I am just in awe of God for surrounding me with the people He has. Well, I have blogged my time away…and not really said much, but it has somehow made my head a little less cluttered. I have more ideas in my head to share, but still have to expand them. (walking in the spirit vs. not walking in the spirit, willlingness to admit weaknesses, my responsibility in people’s perceptions of me, our spiritual gifts, my friends, my religion, personality types). So, yeah, the ideas are just swimming and I’m sure you are just so anxious to hear my views. I guess I will sign off now as my forceful son is literally climbing on my back.

But I gotta add that my husband is awesome, too. He has made my latest outings possible by being such a great dad. I'm thankful that he is always around and doesn't complain(very often lol) when he has to pick up the slack. WYMSIE baby! He is my MAN.

Easily distracted

Lately I have found it difficult to concentrate during church. My mind is constantly wandering, my eyes roaming the crowd. Not to mention my ears focusing on “Mommy, I need a pen,” or “I want gum.” My arms are full of a two-year-old who will not be still or quiet. During one recent service he yelled “Go bye bye” right when the music stopped, seeming to echo my fleshly thoughts! Today our pew is crowded with a couple of extra kids, adding to my distractibility. I gave away my last piece of gum, which led to Grayson digging in my purse for more and coming up empty-handed and mad. A few tic-tacs sufficed him for a minute, but then he remembered what he really wanted was gum. Daddy had to take him out of the service for a few minutes. We try to be kind to the nursery worker and not take him to the nursery until the pastor begins his message. Sometimes it works. Anyways, during the few minutes that my arms are free, they are too busy adjusting my shirt or “fixing” my hair to really praise Jesus. Then I catch myself looking at another woman and judging her clothing choice and think “What am I doing?” Why do I make it so difficult to get in the presence of my King? How often do we do this? I mean God is always there. We are the ones who create the barriers that exist between Him and ourselves. Sometimes it’s almost as if we see Him coming and intentionally throw up a wall. Or at least I know that’s how I feel. You know like “God I don’t want to get too close. You might ask me to do something I don’t want to do.” In the past few years I have found that, yes, He does ask me to do things I don’t necessarily want to do at first. But, after it’s done I always stand amazed at how what I didn’t want to do becomes part of who I am. God knows our hearts better than we do. But, Sunday mornings are tough, though always worth it. And just when I begin to feel sorry for myself for what I am having to endure in order to pursue the presence of God, I am reminded of what Jesus did for me, what He did to be in the presence of God. And for a minute I forget about myself and wish I could stay there forever. Is there anyone who has found it possible to maintain being in His presence? The praise team sang this song at church today. It is one of my favs. Newsboys – You Are My King (Amazing Love)

I'm forgiven, because you were forsaken
I’m accepted you were condemned
And I’m alive and well your sprit is within me
Because you died and rose again

Amazing Love how can it be
That you my king would die for me
Amazing Love I know its true
Its my joy to honor you (in all I do I honor you)


This is Season's new favorite pose to strike! I think it's so funny....she even said she can pray underwater. But she said,"Mommy, I only had time to say Thank you Jesus."
Easily entertained all day long by fun in a box! Score for Mommy!

I have the blahs….seriously. I’ve been in one of those moods where I don’t want to do anything, and I like it that way. I mean obviously my “good” side says “Uh, you know it ain’t right to sit on the couch all day watching The Next Food Network Star.” But my bad side says, “Come on, what does it hurt to be really lazy every once in a while. Why do you have to be the mom and keep everybody happy?” Am I the only one who ever feels this way? Honestly, I know it’s wrong. I feel so unproductive and even more blah when I do nothing. Though, in reality, I don’t ever just do nothing. Because, in the midst of my blahs, I’m still the mom. Like yesterday I did watch a lot of TV, but I still cooked breakfast, picked up the house twice, cleaned the toilet, clipped Season’s toenails, washed dishes, did laundry, and held Grayson most of the day because he did not feel well, spent some quality time with my man, and had a good talk with a friend. But, at the end of the day, I just felt lazy and worthless. And it’s not like I don’t know why. I just did a blog about it, right? Putting God first. And He totally was not yesterday. Why do I do that? And why does He continue to show His favor and mercy even when I am disobedient. I say disobedient simply because I know He is asking me to include a little discipline in my days. Discipline is difficult for a phlegmatic procrastinator like myself, as my mottos are mostly “Who cares.” and “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.” Really. Every Sunday I say okay tomorrow is the day I will begin to be disciplined. I’ve been saying that for like a year now. It’s not working. 6am rolls around and I decide to wait until tomorrow to be disciplined. I really really want to do it. But I really really don’t want to do it too. Lol I have a hard time being accountable to myself. Anyways, I thought I would blog about it in the attempt to make myself accountable somehow. Tomorrow. 6am. Give my day to God. Make Graham lunch and send him off with lovin‘. Prayer/bible time. Exercise. Plan something fun to do with the kids. Teach them something new. Talk to them about God. Drink only water. Eat no sugar. HAHa
If you read My Utmost for His Highest, read the one for Oct. 12. That’s my prayer. To walk with God in everything, not just the exceptional moments. To not give in because it is hard to fight my flesh now because eventually He will bring new vision and new purpose. You can read it here.
I also love The Message version of Romans 12:1-2, which speaks discipline to me. It’s my prayer as well for myself and you: “Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around-life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be charged from the inside out.” Wow! So go….add some discipline, do not fit in, be charged!

All I need

We spent the weekend at a family reunion. Though it was enjoyable, and held at a beautiful “resort” on a lake and surrounded by mountains, it was a lot of work. But, I have come to learn that anything you do with toddlers is mostly work, even when it is fun. Amidst all the people (though honestly we spent very little time at the actual reunion), the horrible heat, dips in the pool, treks to and fro, I realized once again that I need only my kids and my man and my God to be fulfilled. Now, I want everyone else I love in my life, but as Graham told me this weekend, “ I want it to be you and me for the rest of my life.” And I feel the same…but I haven’t always felt so fulfilled by just “us.” When I didn’t, I thought it was anybody’s fault but my own. But, I was restless, unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled, not because of Graham, but because I was not pursuing God to make me happy. I was wanting Graham or my kids or whatever to make me happy. It's ironic that it all seems to come back to simply putting God first because it seems like such a simple statement. But it really is difficult to do because our nature is so self-driven. My mom always told us growing up that to whom much is given, much is expected (I think this is from the Bible, not sure and too lazy to go look it up). And the older I get the more I realize the truth of this. What it means to me is that if you know God, really know how real He is, know the track He has set before you, know the talent and gifts He has blessed you with, know the ugliness He has saved you from, and you still choose to serve Him halfheartedly, you will never, never be at peace and fulfilled. It is not possible. A guy we know who has an awesome God-given musical talent, you know the kind who can not only sing but also plays multiple instruments, is pursuing a career in the music industry and wanting to make money doing it, while leaving no room for God. I'd like to tell him it will never work that way, especially being that he was raised to seek God first. I don’t think God minds that we have passions other than Himself, after all He put them there. But, we have to pursue God first in order for our passions and anything else in our lives to be successful, while also feeling at peace with our life. I’ve always known this, was raised to know this, and I still didn’t really get it until a couple of years ago. You can serve God with a lukewarm passion, and everything else in your life will be lukewarm as well. Or you can choose to chase after God with a burning passion, and your life will overflow with peace and blessings. This doesn’t mean everything will be perfect, but that you will be able to find peace in spite of your surroundings. And that’s how I feel now. Not because my circumstances changed (though they have somewhat, but not instantly), but because my focus changed from pursuing what I want to giving my passion to God and seeing what He wanted to do with it. I mess up a lot. As soon as I begin to lose my peace, though, I know exactly why. I’ve lost my focus again…but God is so merciful. No matter what happens, if I’ve got my little family and my God, everything else will be okay. I know it sounds trite, but I also know it’s the truth.
Oh and I also realize that in typing what's in my head I may not have made sense and I've used the words peace and passion a lot, which is trite in itself. Oh well. lol

*Wanted to share a couple of links...one of pictures that my friend Jonna took of my kids. She did a great job, and I love the pics. Season and Grayson Also I finally bought a swimsuit. Here's a picture of it. It's hot! lol Summer's hot swimsuit

Lessons Learned

Two years ago this week we were in the hospital with our boy. Grayson was born on the 1st, also Graham's birthday, and then we had to stay three more nights because they were concerned with his breathing. So, we came home with our son on July 4th, 2005, oblivious to the changes this tiny little person could bring into our lives. I made the decision to just be mom after he was born, and that was a definite step of faith for us being that it would cut our income in half and could possibly drive me insane. But I really knew it was what God wanted me to do, whether it would be easy or not. Since then my life has been completely blessed, and I have learned so much about God. So, thought I would share a few. Because I can lol.

1. I can’t do it all. But, God can. He is strong when I am weak. God won't work until I give up. Completely. He doesn’t even want my suggestions. He will not control a situation that I am already controlling myself. And even though giving up is freeing, it doesn’t mean you stop doing. Even when you are overwhelmed , you just keep on doing your best, and God takes care of everything else. And once you get to the end of whatever obstacle is in the way at the time, you look back and think, “How did I do that?” Oh yeah, I didn’t. God did.

2.Faith really can move mountains. And the Bible says faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. When I put that truth into practice in my life, it works. If something in life is not working, find scriptures on that topic. Write them down, put it where you can see it. Speak them aloud. And don’t speak the opposite. Our words are so powerful. Speak only God’s truth. You will see miracles.

3. God wants a relationship with us. I think you can maybe make it to heaven just by “believing” in him, but I truly believe He wants us to pursue a relationship with him just like we would any other person we love. I mean Graham and I can be married and live in the same house and never really get to know each other any better and still be married. But if we pursue each other, we begin to really know each other and fall even more in love. That’s how we should be with God, too. The closer we draw to Him, the closer He draws to us. If he is truly your best friend, then treat Him that way. Make an effort to know Him, and you’ll be surprised at the difference it will make in your life.

4.Sin is gradually destructive. It’s like that person who smokes “only when she drinks,” or “only when she’s stressed.” Until eventually she’s built up an immunity/addiction and smokes a pack a week then a pack every other day. That’s how sin makes it’s way into our lives. It’s a small disruption at first, seemingly harmless, until finally it has hold on your life so big that you’ve become someone unrecognizable. The devil is a sneaky snake.

5.I think God loves to give us the desires of our heart, that is if our desires are in line with His will. Just like I love to make my children smile, I think He is the same. But, if my kids are being snots then forget it. And I think God feels likewise. Of course I think we have to make an effort to “delight” in Him, and then get ready.

6.Being a Christian is not about rules and regulations. Being a Christian is about loving Christ. Legalism sucks. But when you love Him, there are certain things you do or don’t do because you love Him. Read His Word, talk to Him, and find our what those are. Don’t let someone else do it for you. Love Him so much that you want to please Him, and you will find freedom.

Have you learned anything lately? Share.

Ramblings as usual

TGIF! We just finished up a week of Vacation Bible School. I was the craft teacher, and Season was in the "LoneStar" class of 4-5 year olds. Grayson got to spend every morning with Gran Gran, and he made me feel really bad every time I left him. I am so glad I don't have to do that every day! But I know he had a great time without me. Mom said he pretended that he was going to Wal-Mart to buy books while pushing a baby in a stroller and carrying a purse over his shoulder. Yeah, there is something wrong with that picture, but it makes me laugh nonetheless. Season had a hard time the first few days, you know, crying and running to her wonderful mommy because she doesn't want to spend a moment away from me. But, I threatened her with her life and the last three days I didn't even know she was there. She is becoming a big girl, and I seriously hate it. I think I would be perfectly happy if she stayed four forever. My favorite class was the 4th-5th grade, mostly because they think it's hilarious when you act like a total idiot. And I love that, no inhibitions whatsoever. Anyway, today was the last day and the kids sang a few songs for their parents. As I was listening to them, I was completely blessed as I thought that Jesus must be thoroughly blessed and entertained as well, at hearing them sing "Jesus, Lamb of God, Worthy is your name." There is nothing like a child's voice singing to his/her Father...so pure.

And I did my good deed for the day a few minutes ago. I looked out my front door and there were like several huge tree branches in the road. Cars were veering into oncoming traffic to avoid them, and we live right in front of a hill where you can't really see what's coming over it. So because I was afraid someone was going to have a wreck, I thought I would just go throw them off the road, not realizing how much of a task it would be. It was basically like a whole tree cut up and dispersed in the highway in front of my house and two others. And here I am in my pajamas basically, no bra, no shoes, and all these men in their big bad trucks wouldn't even freakin' stop and help. But that is the kind of world we live in, huh? Nobody has time to stop and help a girl out. I'm sure they were thinkin' what is that idiot doin' with her dog in the road pickin' up a tree. Whatever. So here I am gettin' muddy and inflicting scratches upon myself, but I did it and I can't wait to tell Graham about it. He'll be so proud, lol. Although he may think I made it up because a stinkin' TxDot bulldozer thingy came and picked up the branches and dumped them into the back of a truck. Yep, it took two men and two big vehicles to pick up what I had singlehandedly done all by myself. Such an exciting life I lead, lol.

And Graham is going to kids'camp (as a counselor) next week. I'm a little jealous because I love church camp, but I am so excited for him to be able experience it. Ok, Ok, I'm out.

Is it so wrong that I believe my children are absolutely beautiful and smart and funny? Doesn't everyone think this about their babies? They should. Anyway just wanted to share some pics of my babes.

Still too young to know when she looks like a dork. lol I hope she never loses that innocence.

Yep, that's my boy. I love his silly personality!
Season was so proud of her goggles, which I bought at Target for a dollar. How many more days/months/years will just$1 make her happy?

Still bein' a silly boy...not quite ready to jump in the deep with sister.

My girl looks just like her daddy....did I even birth this child? She takes my breath away.

Eudey life

I have nothing inspirational about which to blog, just life in general that we daily take for granted. After all the Bible says that life is a vapor, and we let it pass as if it will never end. I can’t fathom life as a vapor, especially on those days when I change dirty diaper after dirty diaper, break up numerous “fights,” cook dinner only to have it turn out like crap, literally, and well, you know what I mean. But most of the time, life is good, and those are the things that give my day, ummm, flavor, let‘s say. And I thank God for His goodness, but I still feel humbled and undeserving.
This week has been full of swimming. We were blessed with a pool, and my Season has absolutely enjoyed herself in a degree to which only a child can muster. Her joy has been contagious, as I found myself inside the pool in a swimsuit (gasp!) actually splashing around and having a good ole time. In fact, Graham and I actually jumped in one night sans, uh….kids. It’s been fun and relaxing, and now I never want to experience another summer without a pool!
On Tuesday my sister and I took our kids, along with my niece, to the Dallas Zoo. The trip left me wondering if outings as such are really worth the effort. I mean with the semi-long road trip, the heat, the money, the complaining kids, the stinky rhinos, the spilled drink in a nice restaurant…. But the looks on the kids faces as they see or experience something new, or scary, or just plain strange is, as they say, priceless. They created memories, and I love playing a part in that. Grayson’s favorite animal was the giraffe, so cute to hear him say it. But, overall, I think the favorite was the monkeys, of course. Wow, they are so human-like it’s scary. And I gained a new appreciation for the lion as I stared at him/her thinking that Jesus is called the Lion of Judah. What an awesome visual. The lion sitting in the cage was so beautiful and peaceful. My sister even said she just wanted to crawl in there and cuddle with it. And I agreed, especially as I was picturing Jesus. But, as we looked at it’s paws and teeth, it’s power was obvious. And did you know a liger is a for real animal? I thought it was something Napolean just created, but no completely fo’ real.

Azlyn, Season, Grayson, Addi

Later that night, the girls had a t-ball game that was much less than exciting. They are so cute, but if you are looking for a competitive display of skills, it ain’t gonna happen. In fact, the most competitive part of the whole game is when it’s over, and both teams race to the sno-cone stand. We did get our long anticipated t-ball pictures, though, the outcome of which is a whole other story. I say our because I am in the picture with Season. She absolutely refused to pose, and I thought maybe if I was in it with her she would smile, but no. I think I am smiling big enough for the both of us. The things we do for our children.

Did I mention how much I love the pool? Mostly because now I have an excuse to just sit and do nothing, or I mean, uh, watch the kids.

Five things I love right now

1. I love watching my kids interact. I love that they love each other. When they hug and kiss on each other there just ain’t nothin’ better. They like to pretend that Grayson is a dog, and Season leads him around with a leash(belt). I love it. Grayson barks and begs, and Season throws him a toy to fetch. To hear Season say , “Look at Bubba. He is so funny,”, with this huge proud grin on her face. And when Grayson wakes up in the morning and says, “Where Seazee?” The Best! It‘s exactly why I wanted them to be close in age, so that they would have a forever bond, a reliance on each other, a knowing glance, inside jokes, a peace in the fact that no matter what life may bring, they will always have each other.
2. I love anytime I can steal some quietness, some time where absolutely nothing is going on, the calm before the storm. This is usually in the mornings amidst my coffee topped with whipped cream, my Bible, and my journal. I love this quiet time that I can reflect, pray, read, study, just a time to gain understanding, prepare my “battle plan," for the day, and be refreshed in order to get through the day with peace.
3. I love when I get to spend time with my kids individually. They are able to just be themselves with Mom without having to one-up each other, lol, and I am able to focus on just them. Lately, Grayson is so affectionate. At bedtime, after a book about tractors, of course, he insists on kissing each of my eyes, my ears, my nose, and my forehead. I love it! They are the sweetest kisses ever! He usually wakes up before Season in the mornings too, and for about fifteen minutes, he will not let me out of his sight. He needs me….selfishly, I hope he always does! I tell him no other woman can ever take mommy’s place! Ok, and not in a weird Oedipus Rex kinda way. Lol. Season says the cutest things, and has a way of making me feel like the best mommy ever! Like on mother’s day, she said, “Mommy, I’m glad you’re my Mommy!“ She and I got to take a shopping/movie trip together the other day (along with my bff who loves me even though I am an unfashionable, clumsy dork). Anyway, Season was just awesome, ok except for like seven potty breaks and lying on the dressing room floor and saying very loudly, “Mommy, your bobo is a lot bigger than mine.” She is growing up so fast, and I just want to be able to savor every little thing about her being who she is right now. Why am I a stay-at-home mom? Yeah, all this and more. Being their mommy makes me feel ragingawesome.
4. I love that Graham and I can share the Lord. We can argue and analyze and share the things of God. Through this we grow in our love for each other and our love for God. We tried to start a tradition of getting up early , having coffee together, praying, and doing a little devotional thing. We did it like two days in a row, and it was great. Unfortunately, I am really lazy in the mornings, so we are still working that out. But, to see his passion for the Lord still raging--love it! Though when I get in a bad mood and he tells me, just give it to God, oh wait this is things I love. So, anyway, yeah.
5. I love to get lost in a good book. I just finished Safely Home by Randy Alcorn. It came highly recommended by a couple of friends, and it totally lived up. I know a book is good when I get mad that it’s over. And, yeah, I was completely mad at the author for not telling me more. Go read it, and be amazed at people who truly know what it is to be persecuted for Jesus. I love a good praise CD. I love that we just spent the rainy weekend with great friends and had fun. I love allergy pills. I love chocolate. I love the library. I love my life group. I love the Sonic at happy hour. I love my new dryer. I love to be in His presence. I love that Season is playing with the Barbie’s I used to play with. I love that Grayson is right there beside her brushing the Barbie’s hair with a plastic spoon. And we wonder why the word love has lost its meaning.
I love this picture...Isha's Alisha, Christy's Maddie, My Season!

Ragingawesome Baby!

My favorite word, which I made up because I am a dork like that, is ragingawesome. I'm not quite sure when I decided that this would be my catch phrase, or that I was allowed to make up words, or that I would be so goofy as to share it with others. But other than being so much fun to say, it has deeper meaning to me. I like to think that whatever you do, you should do it with rage. I know, I know rage is usually violent anger, but here I mean complete sold-out passion, not anger. God created us with passions and desires and I think He intended for us to do those things, to live our lives with serious rage. The Bible says whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might. Rage! Or as Mr. Abe Lincoln said, "Whatever you are, be a good one." I know it's nothing we've never heard before, but are we really doing this in our day-to-day lives? Are we really being our best? I know I'm not. And I'm not talking about being perfect. Anyone who knows me knows my goal is not perfection. In fact perfection gags me, infuriates me, fills me with rage. lol Anyway. I'm just saying make it your goal to live your life with passion even in the little things. Don't be so afraid of making a mistake or doing it wrong that you lose the passion, the rage.

When I was teaching, my students thought I was an idiot most of the time (a "cool" idiot though), but I even made me a t-shirt that said Ragingawesome Bears. Yeah, and I wore it on game days. It rocked! lol One of my favorite poems to teach was by Dylan Thomas, which he wrote to his dying father, begging him to not go out without a fight. It says, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." I was reading this in front of the class one time and accidentally said "Rage, rage against the machine!" lol Anyway, this is my goal....to be ragin'. A ragin' Christian, a ragin' wife, a ragin' mom, to pursue my God-breathed passions with rage. Yeah, I like it!

Yo' Momma

1. "There never was a child so lovely but his mother was glad to get him asleep."-- Ralph Waldo Emerson Yes, it’s true. We all breathe a sigh of relief, a prayer of thanksgiving when our little ones finally fall asleep. In fact, I have found myself alone in the living room doing the touchdown symbol when they are both out at the same time in the middle of the day. And on those tough days, I might even do a little celebration dance in the end zone. I mean I love love love my babies, but when you’re a stay-at-home mom, a break is well warranted and needed….for the children’s sake. Lol
2. "Mothers are all slightly insane." ~ J.D. Salinger Hahahaha….how many times have I admitted to being insane this year? You know being a mom who thinks she can do so many things at one time can do that to you, and for some reason, we all think we can. And you know what, the truth is we normally can. But in the midst of the whirlwind that is cooking the dinner, sweeping the floor, teaching the children, reading the Bible, folding the laundry, planning the party, pursuing our own interests, keeping the man happy, all with a pearly white smile and within the same hour of course, well it feels like complete insanity, kind of like childbirth without drugs I’m sure. But once that whirlwind of activity is over, just like childbirth, you sit back and think “Wow, I did that.” Though, not without a little help from my Lord. And we are all ready to do it again, forgetting the overwhelming parts, and only remembering the positive outcomes, which is insane in itself. But, if I try to take a break for like a day, or even an hour, well it just is not copasetic. And so the insanity continues.
3. It's not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”- The Golden Girls Sorry, but you know it’s funny. Thank God for creating us both, because when it comes to doing certain things, like declogging the toilet or killing the mice and snakes, I am so thankful I am a woman. Just as my husband is thankful he is not at home being mommy 24/7. (Though for the record if any man had to do it, mine could get it done, and get it done well!)
4. The lullaby is the spell whereby the mother attempts to transform herself back from an ogre to a saint. I am so sad that my babies are already over the whole getting rocked to sleep thing. I never felt more in tune with God than when I was holding my baby, singing to them while rocking them to sleep. It’s makes the whole hectic day worth it to have this beautiful baby completely dependent on you wrapped in your arms wanting to be nowhere but right where he is. That’s when I learned that is exactly how God wants us to be with Him. We are His children. He loves us more than we can even imagine loving our babies. He wants us to climb up in His arms and completely depend on Him. Wow!
5. “A hundred men may make an encampment, but it takes a woman to make a home.” -Chinese proverb This is one that means more to me all the time. This is my home. I am the woman of this home. I create the atmosphere of this home. If I want a happy, peaceful home, I must be a happy, peaceful mom. How do I get this done? By resting in the arms of my Father!
So, on my fifth mother’s day, I am so thankful to my own prayer-warrior mother for showing me exactly what a mother is; I often tell her the only way I can give her back what she has given me is to be the same kind of mother to mine. I am thankful to Graham’s mom for raising such a kind, wise, loving son. And I am thankful to God for trusting me enough to be a mommy to my Season and Grayson, obviously the best, smartest, most beautiful children on the planet! Lol

Pics from our Mexico Trip a year ago and be forewarned that the next post is really long, but I don't care.

My Miracle

A year ago this month my life changed. Something happened that I had been praying to happen for about ten years. God changed Graham's heart, not that he wasn't saved. (after all he was raised Baptist, lol) But we didn't really share the same vision for our family and our life in general. Graham's always been a good man; in fact, I know you cannot find another man with a bigger heart than him. And, I knew if he ever gave himself completely to the Lord that his passion for serving God would be contagious, inspiring, and unstoppable. And that's all I wanted! But the way I went about trying to get it was through nagging, demanding, manipulating, condemning, yeah, not pretty at all, and not at all the "Christian" way of inspiring change! I finally became desperate because I wanted us to be able share a serious love for the Lord together and I had cried out to God for it for so long and I just felt like it was never going to happen. I could not see with my human eyes how it could ever happen because Graham was perfectly content with our life. He did not see a need for change. I was nagging Graham one night about when he was ever going to go to church with me. God stopped me in my tracks. He said why are you asking Graham; he doesn't have the answers. He said delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. I thought okay, well that's nothing new. I mean we've heard that verse our whole lives, but did I really understand what it meant. So, I began to analyze it and realized that to delight in God means simply to make Him happy. And you know what that made me do? It made me look at myself rather than at Graham. I realized that I could only get what I wanted if I worked on me, and I needed a lot of work! I had to ask myself how am I making God happy? Is my constant nagging and condemning of Graham making Him happy? God could not change my situation if I was not willing to change and give Him my all. So, I began to focus on trying to make Him happy in everything I did. I had to ask myself how big is my God? How real do I think He is? I realized that He really was my everything and that yes he cared about how every area of my life affected Him, including what TV shows I watched, what books I read, and what music I listened to. Instead of getting angry with Graham I would smile and under my breath quote scripture about the fact that man's anger does not bring about a righteous life. Instead of complaining when he wanted to go somewhere besides where I wanted him to, I would smile and say okay have a great time! It was not easy. But, I began to put being a Godly wife above my own fleshly wants. I still messed up because I am just plain ugly sometimes unfortunately! I don't know how God puts up with me in fact. But I made an effort to truly delight myself in Him. I prayed for Graham instead of arguing with him. God made it clear to me that He would not change my situation if I continued to try to control it myself. He basically asked do you trust me enough to let me bear this burden. In January of 2006 we began having a lifegroup in our home. Graham would usually find somewhere else to be, lol. But unknowingly to him and me they had made it a goal of theirs to pray for Graham. Anyway, we very spur-of-the-moment planned a short little lifegroup mission trip to Mexico in May of last year. We thought maybe we can convince Graham to go, as we planned to put a swingset together for an orphanage over there and Graham likes to work with his hands and help people! So, surprisingly it worked. He decided to go and the rest is history. I still am in amazement at the change God has made in my husband's life, and how quickly can and will move if you let Him. Graham is amazed as well. Just last night he said it's so strange that when used to I would have fleshly thoughts, now I sing praise songs. Now, on Sunday mornings he teaches a preschool class instead of clearing brush at his dads. Now, he goes to church without me! Now, when we have lifegroup, he is not only there but excited to share with the others. Now, instead of talking to people about the weather, he talks to them about Jesus. God truly changed the desires of Graham's heart. He has a true passion for God. He knows without a doubt that God is real and He is powerful. And I just feel honored and humbled that God loved me enough to hear my prayers, demand my obedience, and deliver my desires. I am not capable with my words to explain how God moves or to express how thankful I am for all He means to my life. I stand in awe of Him and him!

Baggage and Tracks

Part of my volunteer job at the Pregnancy Center is being on the Abstinence speaking team in which I do a little skit/monologue. The skit(written, directed and starred in by me! lol) voices the thoughts of a bride walking down the aisle toward her groom. As she remembers various relationships she has had in her life, she picks up a piece of luggage that symbolizes the impact of that particular guy; by the time she gets to her groom she is so emotionally weighed down with "baggage" that she refuses to go through with the wedding. This made me think about the fact that each relationship we have in life, whether intimate or otherwise, has an impact on us as well as the other person involved. What kind of baggage am I leaving or have I left with other people? I can remember friends as far back as 2nd grade that have in some way left a piece of themselves or an impression of who they are with me. It makes me wonder what did I leave with them? Is it positive or has it caused some sort of deficit in their life? I think we should try our best to leave our best with people with whom we come in contact, especially as Christians, as we should be the "light" of the world. This is not always easy because sometimes it means swallowing our pride and keeping our mouth shut, or sacrificing our own wants for somebody elses. My new goal is to enhance whatever environment I am in; I want to be a reflection of Jesus, to be His hands and feet. I do not want to be a person who when she leaves everybody breathes a sigh of relief because I have been weighing others down with my baggage which can be in forms of criticalness, selfishness, or just a flat-out sorry attitude(which I am guilty of often). I want my friends and family to be glad I am there, you know "Yea Summer's here!" lol Most of the time this is much easier said than done because so often we are thinking only of ourself rather than how we are being perceived by others. We watched a play last night about the "tracks" we leave behind. Not only do I want to be able to look back and remember with fondness the tracks I left behind, but I also want others to look at me and my life and see the tracks of Jesus.

It ain't gonna burn long

I really want to post my first blog, but I really can't think of anything interesting or important enough that other people would actually want to read. And so I start to think am I really that boring? And then I think do I really want to share what is in my head, really? Because I mean, I have just used the word really like five times in three sentences and started sentences with and and because; and I am a former teacher of the English and that just would not fly in Mrs. Eudey's Sr. English class. I like to think I have an excuse though, since I do spend most of my hours with little people under the age of 4, and in their world it is okay to call more than one goose, a few gooses. Yeah, I said that yesterday and thought nothing of it. So, am I becoming desensitized or am I realizing what really matters in this world? And it ain't grammar, let me tell ya!
Most of my interesting thoughts or advice cannot be elaborated on enough to qualify as a blog. Such as, if someone gives you chapstick flavored like Red Hots, don't actually use it. Or, like, don't dump hot candle wax down the sink drain. Yeah, I did that. And my husband punished me by forcing me to use the Red Hot chapstick! So, what I'm trying to say is that I have this blog and I'm gonna use it. And sometimes it may not be pretty. But, like the chapstick it will only burn for a few days. Nothing a few hours in a cold freezer won't fix. And, yeah, like really!