I'm a College Drop-Out.

And I feel so free!

So, yeah, I dropped all of my classes today. Inner turmoil over attacking my first ten-page paper of the semester began plaguing me as soon as I read my syllabus. I couldn't bring myself to even attempt it because, sadly, I didn't freakin' want to. Yesterday, I finally confronted myself and analyzed the situation. I didn't want to be a quitter simply because graduate school was a challenge. I didn't want to be a quitter simply because sometimes I'm lazy and don't want to read a book about counseling ethics. So, I didn't want to give myself the easy way out. That's not how I roll. I quit because I want to be the best wife and mom I can (through Christ obviously) and I had to be honest that I couldn't continue to do that and also be successful at the student thing. I hate that I can't, but I honestly don't know how anybody else is able to do it either. Something or someone has to be compromised, just like it would if I had a job instead of staying at home. I know that God has given me a specific vision, but His timing is different than mine. I must rest easy in that and not try to do things in my own power. With constant due dates, I felt like I was walking around with a fog hanging over my head all of the time. I feel almost guilty saying that I quit simply because I did not want to deal with the stress of it anymore, as I know there are so many stressed-out people these days. But mine was self-induced. (so is a lot of other people's for that matter) Anyways, it's not fair to my kids for me to be in a bad mood because I'm dreading a paper. They are only this age for a vapor, and I want to enjoy them and for them to have memories of a peaceful home with a mom who loved her family without being constantly distracted. So, I am really excited about marking out all of the due dates in my calendar, and doing nothing but being momma and wife, and serving whomever God may put in my path.

The Year

My first thought upon being awakened this morning by a two-year-old screaming for juice was “Wow that was a whacked-out dream!” My next thought was “Why is the phrase whacked-out in my vocabulary my being a normal thirty-year-old white non-toking Christian woman?” But, seriously don’t you wonder where those strange dreams we have originate? You know, if there is any down time in Heaven, I will definitely be talking to Jesus about that topic. I’m sure He is very concerned with it. Anyway, yeah, deep thoughts.

Well, as 2008 has officially begun, I guess I will be like everybody else, ‘cause that’s the kind of person I am, and reflect on 2007. Mostly, for me, it was the year that I realized I am really for reals an adult. I mean I knew it before but now, there is no turning back.

*The year of the birthday: 30th birthday to be exact. I am 30--It is hard to say. I remember being a teen and thinking that 30 was soooo old, but I don’t feel old, I mean except when my knee catches when I try to get out of a chair and when I can’t run around the bases without pulling a muscle. Shut up I am not out of shape! But I’m cool with 30. I will still wear my cheesy saying t-shirts and printed socks. I will still say freakin’(and whacked-out) and I will still roll down hills and play headphones with my friends. But, because I am 30, I will not wear skirts above the knee or expose my stomach or dye my hair purple. And I will try to stop blowing bubbles when I chew gum and giggling at stupid jr. high jokes.

*The year of the anniversary: 10 years together. We’ve got this marriage thing down…it is my security, my safe place. We are in the same place finally, ready to look to the future whatever it may hold and willing to learn from each other and change the things that need to be changed. We get each other and the roles we have to fulfill in order to be successful in our marriage for years to come. Gag gag gag I know. Truth nonetheless. And we finally made a budget together. Ten years and finally we can talk about money lol

*The year of the school party: ugh…..school parties! Anyway, so Season started preschool this year and I have to be the mom and stand around with the other moms at the holiday parties. I don’t know why but that just brings me to the realization that both she and I are getting older and changing. I can only reflect now on her babyhood. So many more plateaus to come in the lives of my children. Am I ready? Are they ready? Am I doing everything I can each and every day to help them to become mature and responsible in Christ? And as they enter school and all the other things like t-ball, gymnastics, etc., I have to remember that is the goal. Not for them to be like the world, but for them to be like Christ.

*The year of the drop: I dropped one of my classes this past semester. It was pivotal for me because first of all I had never dropped a course before. And second of all because it was admitting I couldn’t do something I had set out to do or at least not as well as I wanted to. Again, I had to admit I was getting old, that I can’t stay up all night working on papers anymore. That college, and a master’s degree is no longer a top priority in my life as it was when I was younger. In working my brain to death, I was ignoring a dream I had already realized without even knowing I had the dream, and it has nothing to do with knowledge, degrees or dollars.

*The year of the purple: I painted my kitchen walls purple! Yea! And I still love it. For me, it wasn’t just about painting the walls. It was about making a decorating decision in my home all by myself without being influenced to do it the safe and acceptable way (or the way Graham would do it lol) And it made me so happy when it actually looked good! Or at least that’s what people tell me to my face. I have many more plans for paint on my walls now. And it is fun to know that my home can actually reflect who I am.

So, 2007 was a year of turning points. I am excited for 2008 as things continue to change. Obviously I have goals. And they all involve that dreaded discipline word that we all know I have problems with. I know that first and foremost I want to continue to strive to be what God wants me to be in everything ‘cause when I am 90 years old and I look back on my life, that's all that will matter.

Lappin' it up...

Well, this may be my last post for a while as my school just started up again. And from my perspective it is hard core. This is my third semester. My third semester to look at all those assignments and feel like I'm drowning while I think “How will I ever get all that completed?” I do honestly love being a student, but I don’t love feeling pressured by due dates! And trying to figure out how and when it will all get done. I do not want to get straight A's but be a bad mom and wife, so I struggle to keep my head above water every semester. And I know, I know, I signed up for this. I am paying for this! Why? Because I know God has some kind of plan He is working on up there. And when I was seeking whether He really wanted me to do this or not, I was like, uh, God don’t you know this is going to be hard, take time, money, etc. blah blah blah. He was like, uh, what? Do you think I’m only supposed to ask you to do easy things? How do you think Moses felt or Abraham, or you know, what about my son Jesus? Ok Ok I get you God. Sometimes we have to Do Hard Things, right girls? (lol) And as I complain, I know that in the big scheme of things being a grad student is really no big deal. But it is still my reality at this point in my life and this is my blog so there you go. So needless to say, on average for the next three months I have about two 8 page papers due per week, along with two tests. And that’s only nine hours people. It is a real challenge for me, one I am incapable of completing without God.

I did something else hard this week, too. I lived through a softball game in which we lost 30-5. It was horrible! It really was my definition of hell on earth. My team could not do much of anything right. I was completely miserable and helpless standing at first base. The only way it could have been worse is if it were a few degrees hotter…..and I was naked. Seriously! Torture.

My Season went to her first day of preschool yesterday. I really don’t know what happened while she was there, except that they had popcorn for snack and she played in the dirt. But when I picked her up she was smiling. That’s good right? Lol. She really did have a good time and is ready to go back. I’m excited that she’s excited. She also had gymnastics yesterday. It was the most hilariously adorable thing I’ve ever seen, and she loved every minute of it. This season of her life is just a lot of fun. She is learning so much so quickly, and I admire the joy she finds in the simple things. I love being her mommy.

So, I am about to listen to a lecture online. That is the truth of my life. It is such an exciting one...sitting on my couch wearing headphones with my laptop... in my lap hehe

Catching up

I cannot keep up with my blogging. I just have so many important things to do, lol. No, but really, I have been busy lately. Not with anything huge, but lots of small things that I would like to finish one of these days. And school is about to start back up for me. I am almost dreading it, simply because I have had few deadlines this summer. Deadlines are good for me though because they give my day some discipline whether I like it or not. Season will start preschool this year, too. She is really excited about it, so that is a relief for me. She is also going to be taking gymnastics. I can’t wait to see her do that! But, I’ll blog all about that later. Today I feel like I need to catch up with what’s been happening lately. So this post will be somewhat random, like myself. And I’ll try not to get too deep and reflective as my past few posts have been very much so. I need to lighten up I think!

This past weekend the Pregnancy Center hosted an all-night tournament, at which I played and worked. Needless to say I went a whole 24 hours without sleep! But it was worth it since we raised much-needed funds for the Center. My team did horribly, losing both of our games. Lose two and you’re out. So,yeah. The second game I was just scared of getting hit with the ball at first base by my own shortstop, being that he was mostly drunk. He kept missing the ball and blaming it on Budweiser or Miller or whatever. Funny in a sickening kind of way. He somehow managed to throw me the ball; however, I did try to stop the ball with my ankle at one point. Unfortunately, also,one of our volunteers broke her knee(or something similar, she’s supposed to go to the doctor today to get the prognosis). She was playing hind catcher and pretty much got run over at home plate. It wasn’t pretty at all with her lying on the ground suffering, while the guys on her team were worried about kicking the guy’s butt that slid into her. Anyway, after that, I sat in the bleachers for six hours keeping score. I am a pro at this point. A pro with tons of mosquito bites and a flat sore butt. I learned some new batting techniques, caught up with one of my ex-students (who was also drunk BTW), watched monster moths try to crash the games, and managed to stay awake until the sun came up. Shane (Wendy’s man) very kindly brought me drinks and tried his best to keep me awake, while he was dreaming with his eyes open. All in all it was a good time. I made it to Sunday School and then I crashed like never before. Staying up all night is stupid, no matter the reason. Lol.

Softball has become quite a part of my life this summer, as tonight will be my fourth game in five days. I honestly love it though. I mean I hate playing when it is so hot or when my teammates are drunk, but I do enjoy the competition. This is the first season I have played first base and I like it, though every time the ball is hit toward second base I want to be there too. I pretty much want to be wherever the ball is hit, not that I would catch it every time but I would sure like to try. Is it wrong to be a 30-year-old mom and enjoy sports so much? I just hope my kids enjoy them too. Then, at least I can vicariously live through them, lol.

My kids are still awesome. Grayson makes me laugh so much. He is just so determined when he gets something in his head. He is also very forceful, by that I mean that if he wants to sit in my lap and I am doing something else, he will kick and claw his way to right where he wants to be. And it can be painful. Even his hugs are painful, but so loving too. He is such a show-off. I love it. And Season, wow!, she is growing up so fast, it makes me hurt, too. She is determined, as well. She is very convincing too, making her way somehow seem like the right thing to do. I question how a four-year-old can be so persuasive, and maybe I am just being a pushover. Yeah, that could be it. She is very good at working the tears right when she needs them though. They challenge me, bring me to my knees, fill my house with laughter and love, and make me act seriously silly.

I have enjoyed several times with friends lately, old and new. It is such a blessing to have friends, and good ones at that. I am just in awe of God for surrounding me with the people He has. Well, I have blogged my time away…and not really said much, but it has somehow made my head a little less cluttered. I have more ideas in my head to share, but still have to expand them. (walking in the spirit vs. not walking in the spirit, willlingness to admit weaknesses, my responsibility in people’s perceptions of me, our spiritual gifts, my friends, my religion, personality types). So, yeah, the ideas are just swimming and I’m sure you are just so anxious to hear my views. I guess I will sign off now as my forceful son is literally climbing on my back.

But I gotta add that my husband is awesome, too. He has made my latest outings possible by being such a great dad. I'm thankful that he is always around and doesn't complain(very often lol) when he has to pick up the slack. WYMSIE baby! He is my MAN.