I have the blahs….seriously. I’ve been in one of those moods where I don’t want to do anything, and I like it that way. I mean obviously my “good” side says “Uh, you know it ain’t right to sit on the couch all day watching The Next Food Network Star.” But my bad side says, “Come on, what does it hurt to be really lazy every once in a while. Why do you have to be the mom and keep everybody happy?” Am I the only one who ever feels this way? Honestly, I know it’s wrong. I feel so unproductive and even more blah when I do nothing. Though, in reality, I don’t ever just do nothing. Because, in the midst of my blahs, I’m still the mom. Like yesterday I did watch a lot of TV, but I still cooked breakfast, picked up the house twice, cleaned the toilet, clipped Season’s toenails, washed dishes, did laundry, and held Grayson most of the day because he did not feel well, spent some quality time with my man, and had a good talk with a friend. But, at the end of the day, I just felt lazy and worthless. And it’s not like I don’t know why. I just did a blog about it, right? Putting God first. And He totally was not yesterday. Why do I do that? And why does He continue to show His favor and mercy even when I am disobedient. I say disobedient simply because I know He is asking me to include a little discipline in my days. Discipline is difficult for a phlegmatic procrastinator like myself, as my mottos are mostly “Who cares.” and “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.” Really. Every Sunday I say okay tomorrow is the day I will begin to be disciplined. I’ve been saying that for like a year now. It’s not working. 6am rolls around and I decide to wait until tomorrow to be disciplined. I really really want to do it. But I really really don’t want to do it too. Lol I have a hard time being accountable to myself. Anyways, I thought I would blog about it in the attempt to make myself accountable somehow. Tomorrow. 6am. Give my day to God. Make Graham lunch and send him off with lovin‘. Prayer/bible time. Exercise. Plan something fun to do with the kids. Teach them something new. Talk to them about God. Drink only water. Eat no sugar. HAHa
If you read My Utmost for His Highest, read the one for Oct. 12. That’s my prayer. To walk with God in everything, not just the exceptional moments. To not give in because it is hard to fight my flesh now because eventually He will bring new vision and new purpose. You can read it here.
I also love The Message version of Romans 12:1-2, which speaks discipline to me. It’s my prayer as well for myself and you: “Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around-life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be charged from the inside out.” Wow! So go….add some discipline, do not fit in, be charged!

All I need

We spent the weekend at a family reunion. Though it was enjoyable, and held at a beautiful “resort” on a lake and surrounded by mountains, it was a lot of work. But, I have come to learn that anything you do with toddlers is mostly work, even when it is fun. Amidst all the people (though honestly we spent very little time at the actual reunion), the horrible heat, dips in the pool, treks to and fro, I realized once again that I need only my kids and my man and my God to be fulfilled. Now, I want everyone else I love in my life, but as Graham told me this weekend, “ I want it to be you and me for the rest of my life.” And I feel the same…but I haven’t always felt so fulfilled by just “us.” When I didn’t, I thought it was anybody’s fault but my own. But, I was restless, unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled, not because of Graham, but because I was not pursuing God to make me happy. I was wanting Graham or my kids or whatever to make me happy. It's ironic that it all seems to come back to simply putting God first because it seems like such a simple statement. But it really is difficult to do because our nature is so self-driven. My mom always told us growing up that to whom much is given, much is expected (I think this is from the Bible, not sure and too lazy to go look it up). And the older I get the more I realize the truth of this. What it means to me is that if you know God, really know how real He is, know the track He has set before you, know the talent and gifts He has blessed you with, know the ugliness He has saved you from, and you still choose to serve Him halfheartedly, you will never, never be at peace and fulfilled. It is not possible. A guy we know who has an awesome God-given musical talent, you know the kind who can not only sing but also plays multiple instruments, is pursuing a career in the music industry and wanting to make money doing it, while leaving no room for God. I'd like to tell him it will never work that way, especially being that he was raised to seek God first. I don’t think God minds that we have passions other than Himself, after all He put them there. But, we have to pursue God first in order for our passions and anything else in our lives to be successful, while also feeling at peace with our life. I’ve always known this, was raised to know this, and I still didn’t really get it until a couple of years ago. You can serve God with a lukewarm passion, and everything else in your life will be lukewarm as well. Or you can choose to chase after God with a burning passion, and your life will overflow with peace and blessings. This doesn’t mean everything will be perfect, but that you will be able to find peace in spite of your surroundings. And that’s how I feel now. Not because my circumstances changed (though they have somewhat, but not instantly), but because my focus changed from pursuing what I want to giving my passion to God and seeing what He wanted to do with it. I mess up a lot. As soon as I begin to lose my peace, though, I know exactly why. I’ve lost my focus again…but God is so merciful. No matter what happens, if I’ve got my little family and my God, everything else will be okay. I know it sounds trite, but I also know it’s the truth.
Oh and I also realize that in typing what's in my head I may not have made sense and I've used the words peace and passion a lot, which is trite in itself. Oh well. lol

*Wanted to share a couple of links...one of pictures that my friend Jonna took of my kids. She did a great job, and I love the pics. Season and Grayson Also I finally bought a swimsuit. Here's a picture of it. It's hot! lol Summer's hot swimsuit

Five things I love right now

1. I love watching my kids interact. I love that they love each other. When they hug and kiss on each other there just ain’t nothin’ better. They like to pretend that Grayson is a dog, and Season leads him around with a leash(belt). I love it. Grayson barks and begs, and Season throws him a toy to fetch. To hear Season say , “Look at Bubba. He is so funny,”, with this huge proud grin on her face. And when Grayson wakes up in the morning and says, “Where Seazee?” The Best! It‘s exactly why I wanted them to be close in age, so that they would have a forever bond, a reliance on each other, a knowing glance, inside jokes, a peace in the fact that no matter what life may bring, they will always have each other.
2. I love anytime I can steal some quietness, some time where absolutely nothing is going on, the calm before the storm. This is usually in the mornings amidst my coffee topped with whipped cream, my Bible, and my journal. I love this quiet time that I can reflect, pray, read, study, just a time to gain understanding, prepare my “battle plan," for the day, and be refreshed in order to get through the day with peace.
3. I love when I get to spend time with my kids individually. They are able to just be themselves with Mom without having to one-up each other, lol, and I am able to focus on just them. Lately, Grayson is so affectionate. At bedtime, after a book about tractors, of course, he insists on kissing each of my eyes, my ears, my nose, and my forehead. I love it! They are the sweetest kisses ever! He usually wakes up before Season in the mornings too, and for about fifteen minutes, he will not let me out of his sight. He needs me….selfishly, I hope he always does! I tell him no other woman can ever take mommy’s place! Ok, and not in a weird Oedipus Rex kinda way. Lol. Season says the cutest things, and has a way of making me feel like the best mommy ever! Like on mother’s day, she said, “Mommy, I’m glad you’re my Mommy!“ She and I got to take a shopping/movie trip together the other day (along with my bff who loves me even though I am an unfashionable, clumsy dork). Anyway, Season was just awesome, ok except for like seven potty breaks and lying on the dressing room floor and saying very loudly, “Mommy, your bobo is a lot bigger than mine.” She is growing up so fast, and I just want to be able to savor every little thing about her being who she is right now. Why am I a stay-at-home mom? Yeah, all this and more. Being their mommy makes me feel ragingawesome.
4. I love that Graham and I can share the Lord. We can argue and analyze and share the things of God. Through this we grow in our love for each other and our love for God. We tried to start a tradition of getting up early , having coffee together, praying, and doing a little devotional thing. We did it like two days in a row, and it was great. Unfortunately, I am really lazy in the mornings, so we are still working that out. But, to see his passion for the Lord still raging--love it! Though when I get in a bad mood and he tells me, just give it to God, oh wait this is things I love. So, anyway, yeah.
5. I love to get lost in a good book. I just finished Safely Home by Randy Alcorn. It came highly recommended by a couple of friends, and it totally lived up. I know a book is good when I get mad that it’s over. And, yeah, I was completely mad at the author for not telling me more. Go read it, and be amazed at people who truly know what it is to be persecuted for Jesus. I love a good praise CD. I love that we just spent the rainy weekend with great friends and had fun. I love allergy pills. I love chocolate. I love the library. I love my life group. I love the Sonic at happy hour. I love my new dryer. I love to be in His presence. I love that Season is playing with the Barbie’s I used to play with. I love that Grayson is right there beside her brushing the Barbie’s hair with a plastic spoon. And we wonder why the word love has lost its meaning.
I love this picture...Isha's Alisha, Christy's Maddie, My Season!

Ragingawesome Baby!

My favorite word, which I made up because I am a dork like that, is ragingawesome. I'm not quite sure when I decided that this would be my catch phrase, or that I was allowed to make up words, or that I would be so goofy as to share it with others. But other than being so much fun to say, it has deeper meaning to me. I like to think that whatever you do, you should do it with rage. I know, I know rage is usually violent anger, but here I mean complete sold-out passion, not anger. God created us with passions and desires and I think He intended for us to do those things, to live our lives with serious rage. The Bible says whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might. Rage! Or as Mr. Abe Lincoln said, "Whatever you are, be a good one." I know it's nothing we've never heard before, but are we really doing this in our day-to-day lives? Are we really being our best? I know I'm not. And I'm not talking about being perfect. Anyone who knows me knows my goal is not perfection. In fact perfection gags me, infuriates me, fills me with rage. lol Anyway. I'm just saying make it your goal to live your life with passion even in the little things. Don't be so afraid of making a mistake or doing it wrong that you lose the passion, the rage.

When I was teaching, my students thought I was an idiot most of the time (a "cool" idiot though), but I even made me a t-shirt that said Ragingawesome Bears. Yeah, and I wore it on game days. It rocked! lol One of my favorite poems to teach was by Dylan Thomas, which he wrote to his dying father, begging him to not go out without a fight. It says, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." I was reading this in front of the class one time and accidentally said "Rage, rage against the machine!" lol Anyway, this is my goal....to be ragin'. A ragin' Christian, a ragin' wife, a ragin' mom, to pursue my God-breathed passions with rage. Yeah, I like it!

My Miracle

A year ago this month my life changed. Something happened that I had been praying to happen for about ten years. God changed Graham's heart, not that he wasn't saved. (after all he was raised Baptist, lol) But we didn't really share the same vision for our family and our life in general. Graham's always been a good man; in fact, I know you cannot find another man with a bigger heart than him. And, I knew if he ever gave himself completely to the Lord that his passion for serving God would be contagious, inspiring, and unstoppable. And that's all I wanted! But the way I went about trying to get it was through nagging, demanding, manipulating, condemning, yeah, not pretty at all, and not at all the "Christian" way of inspiring change! I finally became desperate because I wanted us to be able share a serious love for the Lord together and I had cried out to God for it for so long and I just felt like it was never going to happen. I could not see with my human eyes how it could ever happen because Graham was perfectly content with our life. He did not see a need for change. I was nagging Graham one night about when he was ever going to go to church with me. God stopped me in my tracks. He said why are you asking Graham; he doesn't have the answers. He said delight yourself in me and I will give you the desires of your heart. I thought okay, well that's nothing new. I mean we've heard that verse our whole lives, but did I really understand what it meant. So, I began to analyze it and realized that to delight in God means simply to make Him happy. And you know what that made me do? It made me look at myself rather than at Graham. I realized that I could only get what I wanted if I worked on me, and I needed a lot of work! I had to ask myself how am I making God happy? Is my constant nagging and condemning of Graham making Him happy? God could not change my situation if I was not willing to change and give Him my all. So, I began to focus on trying to make Him happy in everything I did. I had to ask myself how big is my God? How real do I think He is? I realized that He really was my everything and that yes he cared about how every area of my life affected Him, including what TV shows I watched, what books I read, and what music I listened to. Instead of getting angry with Graham I would smile and under my breath quote scripture about the fact that man's anger does not bring about a righteous life. Instead of complaining when he wanted to go somewhere besides where I wanted him to, I would smile and say okay have a great time! It was not easy. But, I began to put being a Godly wife above my own fleshly wants. I still messed up because I am just plain ugly sometimes unfortunately! I don't know how God puts up with me in fact. But I made an effort to truly delight myself in Him. I prayed for Graham instead of arguing with him. God made it clear to me that He would not change my situation if I continued to try to control it myself. He basically asked do you trust me enough to let me bear this burden. In January of 2006 we began having a lifegroup in our home. Graham would usually find somewhere else to be, lol. But unknowingly to him and me they had made it a goal of theirs to pray for Graham. Anyway, we very spur-of-the-moment planned a short little lifegroup mission trip to Mexico in May of last year. We thought maybe we can convince Graham to go, as we planned to put a swingset together for an orphanage over there and Graham likes to work with his hands and help people! So, surprisingly it worked. He decided to go and the rest is history. I still am in amazement at the change God has made in my husband's life, and how quickly can and will move if you let Him. Graham is amazed as well. Just last night he said it's so strange that when used to I would have fleshly thoughts, now I sing praise songs. Now, on Sunday mornings he teaches a preschool class instead of clearing brush at his dads. Now, he goes to church without me! Now, when we have lifegroup, he is not only there but excited to share with the others. Now, instead of talking to people about the weather, he talks to them about Jesus. God truly changed the desires of Graham's heart. He has a true passion for God. He knows without a doubt that God is real and He is powerful. And I just feel honored and humbled that God loved me enough to hear my prayers, demand my obedience, and deliver my desires. I am not capable with my words to explain how God moves or to express how thankful I am for all He means to my life. I stand in awe of Him and him!