Proof of Life

Last night I woke to the hum of nothingness, and felt an urgency to check on my baby (my almost 4-year-old baby sob sob). He was sleeping so soundly that he wasn't making a noise, nor stirring a muscle. So soundly, that for an instant I thought he wasn't breathing at all. I had to place my hand on his bare little chest to feel the in and out of his breath. I had to have proof. Relief instantly overcame fear in knowing, without a doubt, life was flowing through his veins.

This made me wonder if God can see the in and out of His breath in me. Are there times that I do not appear spiritually alive to Him? Does He have to search for proof of His Life in me? Ouch.

His life visibly flowing through us for His glory. Be Proof of Life to the World.

2 Corinthians 4: 10-11
We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus' sake, so that his life may be revealed in our mortal body.

Work it out

Are you daily challenged to take it to the Word? To take what you hear and compare it to the Truth, as the Bereans did? Or are you standing so firmly on church doctrine or momma’s faith that you have yet to really work out your own salvation? As my Dedad would say when he preached, “Do you know that you know that you know?” If you haven’t been pushed to this point in your life where you really have to seek out the Truth for yourself, I challenge you to dig a little deeper.
I grew up in church, surrounded by family who have served God for years. I had no choice but to know who He is. My truth was passed down to me, spoon-fed to me. Obviously this was a blessing, but it was also comfortable and easy to take for granted. I can understand how easy it would be to just believe in another religion if I was raised up that way, because just as Christianity was a way of life for me growing up, so is Islam or Hinduism for others. I think there has to be a point in your life where you question what you believe and why you believe it. I think it is often much easier for someone who is not in the church as such to come to this point, because we churched people just take for granted that we know the truth and may become self-righteous in doing so. We somehow miss the desperation for knowing Him and become secure in the façade of knowing Him because “well, I go to church or I am Baptist or my daddy is a preacher.” There is nothing we can bring to Him that is worthy, except for Christ crucified. And if we don’t get how broken we are before Him, we are very likely to uphold our checklist of rules or passed down "beliefs" above His Word and who He is.
I am naturally skeptical, so I have always questioned. And I had an awesome Sunday school teacher who always met my questions with Scripture. She never tried to get me to believe what she believed, she gave me the Word and let me work it out myself. But not until a few years ago did I really know that I know. I was desperate for change and questioned Him. And He basically asked me, “Do you know that I am real? Do you know what you believe? How do you know that I am Truth? Because if you truly believe in me, then you have to believe every single ounce of my Word. If you doubt my Word, you doubt me.” I had to lay every bit of my unbelief at His feet and ask for forgiveness. I realized I either had to be all in or I was out, that I was either completely, unabashedly for Him or I was against Him. He does not tolerate half-heartedness or indifference. Only then did I really begin to see the power of His Word and really stand on it and not my background or feelings or church doctrines. I really began to search and find the Truth, and my life has not been the same since. My personalization and analysis of who He is came at a time when I was not in “church” really, which I find interesting, just as an aside. People will fail you, churches will fail you, but He and His word do not waiver. Stand firm but never stop working out your salvation. Never stop searching His word. When I hear somebody say something I am not sure about, it is exciting to take it to the Bible and determine the Truth and where I stand in light of that. Graham and I find it interesting (and honestly confusing) how we all read the same scriptures but can come to different conclusions. Some truths or principles we will never really know until we see Him face to face, ( drinking, free will vs. predestination, the spiritual world, for example) and then it won’t matter anyway.
Be confident that you know that you know Him. On the other hand, do not be prideful. Be willing to be challenged and learn from other Christians, aware that you do not know it all. But, do not be pushed around in your beliefs. The Bible tells us to Stand Firm. All I am saying is that I don’t think we can stand firm on truth if we do not know it personally and intimately. Own the Truth. Be possessive of it and obsessive about it. (RAGE!) Pursue Him relentlessly. Let the Word be your backbone.

Show me your ways, O LORD, teach me your paths;
guide me in your truth and teach me,
for you are God my Savior, and my hope is in you all day long. Psalm 25:4-5

CONVICTED

Our justice system sometimes convicts people for things they did not do. But when the Holy Spirit convicts, no jury is needed. If you are feeling the conviction of the Holy Spirit, you may as well stop running from it because there is no doubt that you are guilty. Ouch. Why does it sting so bad? I think it's that in being convicted by God you know what He is showing you is truth. And it hurts to admit that we have been wrong. We don't want to admit that we have flaws, or atleast I don't. It's easy to look at somebody else and see their imperfections, but when the finger is pointed at ourself, we like to look over our shoulder and avoid it.

So that's how I felt last week when God grabbed ahold of me as I read some random blog. By the time I got to the end of said random blog, I was wiping away tears of conviction, remorse and sadness. Now, I don't expect everyone felt this way after reading it, but the young man in her recount made me instantly think of my husband. Graham is that man everywhere he goes--always looking for a way to help. The author's explanation of how the young man's simple gesture affected her so deeply made me feel so ugly as so many times I have such a sorry attitude when Graham is helping somebody else (i.e. not me). I don't think about how his actions may be speaking to others, only that I am somehow feeling ignored by him (Ugh!). When he is being kind, I am not thinking about how God may be glorified through Graham's willingness; I am only thinking about how he is not focused on me at the time. It made me sick to my stomach to think of how selfish I have been, and of all things, I DO NOT want to be selfish! But, I have been. Maybe not blatantly, but in my thoughts as I think "What about me?" instead of "What about God?" My attitude not only hurt Graham, but it stood between me and God.

I had to apologize to Graham. I want to be completely supportive of his actions for Christ. I usually get irritated when we go out and he not only opens the door for me but a whole multitude behind me. I keep walking and talking and as I look back, I realize I am talking to myself and there's Graham holding the door smiling and greeting the people. I shouldn't keep walking. I should be standing right beside him with a friendly smile as well. I remember one time we went shopping and as we were leaving the store, a woman with a toddler was struggling to carry this huge plastice drawer thingie. I actually got slightly perturbed when Graham took time away from me to help this woman carry the drawer to her car. I wasn't thinking of the joy Graham was bringing to God or the impact he might be having on the woman.

I hate admitting that I am that selfish at times, but I also know that I am not alone in my selfishness. It just manifests differently in all of us as we all struggle to die daily to Christ. So, conviction is pain, but I love that He loves us enough to meet us right where we are, to show the areas that most definitely need improvement. He wants us to be all we can in Him...to pursue righteousness. In order to do that, we must listen to the voice of the Holy Spirit however He chooses to speak to us and be willing to scrape out what does not belong--to replace selfishness with self-sacrifice, replace a sorry attitude with a cheerful heart. I like that the guilt of conviction is fleeting. He does not want us condemned. He just points it out and if you are willing to recieve it, swallow the fact that you are not perfect, He then replaces that guilt with joy because of His amazing sacrifice.
He must become greater. I must become less.

God-Promise

Promise from God to my sister and anyone else suffering heartache and grief.......

HE WILL TURN YOUR MOURNING INTO DANCING

HE WILL TURN YOUR SORROW INTO JOY

This is how we overcome

Keep your eyes on Jesus.....This is how we overcome.

He is faithful and He is just. In Him there is always Hope.

Jesus says in John 16:33 (summer's version)"There will be pain in this life. But in me you can have peace. Relax. Be still. I have overcome the world."

This is how we overcome.

Psalm 30 is just awesome.....just so ya know.

Lost

Imagine you awaken in a room of darkness, black darkness so thick you can feel it as you reach out in search of the familiar. Darkness that causes you to cry out with sheer terror. Darkness that causes you to call out in fear because you are blind to all of your surroundings. Your heart beats uncontrollable. Your palms sweat profusely. Your screams go unheard. No one comes to your rescue. And slowly your eyes become accustomed to the darkness that envelopes you. You manage to find your way inside the black pit of night that you have found yourself in. It becomes part of you. Though you wonder why and how you got to that dark place, you no longer try to escape. You are no longer fearful, though a slight discomfort constantly invades your soul, as if you are bumping into things in the night. Frequently, you are again caught off guard by the darkness, but it always becomes your companion once more.

Suddenly out of nowhere you glimpse a light. A light so bright that it swallows the darkness that has become you and causes you to long for more. The light is fleeting, not wanting to stay long in the pit that is you. As you see the light looking for an escape you grab it and manage to steal a fragment of the brightness. But it doesn’t satisfy. Each time you close your eyes and open them again, you are fearful once more, in search of the little piece of light you found. The darkness is beguiling, convincing you that it just doesn’t get any brighter. Eventually your fragment burns out. You are left alone. Now your terror is unsettling. The light haunts you there in your pit of darkness. Why doesn’t someone reach out to you? Are you so lost that they can’t find you? Can they not shine their light into your black soul? You know the Light is out there, but you are drowning in a lake of black night. Your insides scream with restlessness. You are unable to move, isolated. You will remain there, waste away there. Helpless, lost, abandoned, forgotton because no one was willing to share the Light.

God, I want to share You. Rid me of my pride. Scrape away every part of me that is not You, so I can shine Your Light with boldness to those living in darkness. Because the truth is, without You, I am just a soul of night, too.

Awesomeness

Today I just want to say that my God is awesome. He is awesome for so many reasons that I am unable to adequately express, but I'm gonna try a few.

1. When you give to Him, He gives back so much more. Graham and I made a pact with God of some sort last week, concerning discipline in our lives. Just a small step really, but our relationship this week has just been fun. We have been able to find joy despite not feeling 100%. We have blessed each other with grace in times that we wouldn't usually. And in my thinking, it's all because of God. We agreed to be more focused on Him, and He, in His overwhelming grace and mercy, decided to pour us down a blessing!

2. He created a beautiful night. Saturday night I stood outside in my driveway just staring up at the sky in childlike amazement. The stars were just Wow! You could like see every single one of them and they seemed as if you could reach out and grab them. They were so visible because there was no moon. The sky was absolutely pitch (whatever that means!) black. We should shine like that in this world. We should sharply contrast with the darkness around us. Hmmmmmm....it's a challenge. I know I'm not "shiney" enough. Thank God He continues to polish us daily.

3. He has a sense of humor. That same night as I admired the stars, I had a conversation with Graham and a good old friend of his. I laughed at them and they wondered why. I didn't laugh because anything was funny but because our conversation was somewhat ironic. Not so many years ago I would have been extremely angry at them and their heathen ways. But not so anymore as we discussed our God and His ways instead.

**Why is God awesome to you? Come on and leave me a comment and brag on Him. Show us some love. hehehehe


Psalm 34 1-3
I will extol the Lord at all times; his praise will always be on my lips.
My soul will boast in the Lord; let the afflicted hear and rejoice.
Glorify the Lord with me; let us exalt his name together.

I have the blahs….seriously. I’ve been in one of those moods where I don’t want to do anything, and I like it that way. I mean obviously my “good” side says “Uh, you know it ain’t right to sit on the couch all day watching The Next Food Network Star.” But my bad side says, “Come on, what does it hurt to be really lazy every once in a while. Why do you have to be the mom and keep everybody happy?” Am I the only one who ever feels this way? Honestly, I know it’s wrong. I feel so unproductive and even more blah when I do nothing. Though, in reality, I don’t ever just do nothing. Because, in the midst of my blahs, I’m still the mom. Like yesterday I did watch a lot of TV, but I still cooked breakfast, picked up the house twice, cleaned the toilet, clipped Season’s toenails, washed dishes, did laundry, and held Grayson most of the day because he did not feel well, spent some quality time with my man, and had a good talk with a friend. But, at the end of the day, I just felt lazy and worthless. And it’s not like I don’t know why. I just did a blog about it, right? Putting God first. And He totally was not yesterday. Why do I do that? And why does He continue to show His favor and mercy even when I am disobedient. I say disobedient simply because I know He is asking me to include a little discipline in my days. Discipline is difficult for a phlegmatic procrastinator like myself, as my mottos are mostly “Who cares.” and “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.” Really. Every Sunday I say okay tomorrow is the day I will begin to be disciplined. I’ve been saying that for like a year now. It’s not working. 6am rolls around and I decide to wait until tomorrow to be disciplined. I really really want to do it. But I really really don’t want to do it too. Lol I have a hard time being accountable to myself. Anyways, I thought I would blog about it in the attempt to make myself accountable somehow. Tomorrow. 6am. Give my day to God. Make Graham lunch and send him off with lovin‘. Prayer/bible time. Exercise. Plan something fun to do with the kids. Teach them something new. Talk to them about God. Drink only water. Eat no sugar. HAHa
If you read My Utmost for His Highest, read the one for Oct. 12. That’s my prayer. To walk with God in everything, not just the exceptional moments. To not give in because it is hard to fight my flesh now because eventually He will bring new vision and new purpose. You can read it here.
I also love The Message version of Romans 12:1-2, which speaks discipline to me. It’s my prayer as well for myself and you: “Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around-life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be charged from the inside out.” Wow! So go….add some discipline, do not fit in, be charged!

All I need

We spent the weekend at a family reunion. Though it was enjoyable, and held at a beautiful “resort” on a lake and surrounded by mountains, it was a lot of work. But, I have come to learn that anything you do with toddlers is mostly work, even when it is fun. Amidst all the people (though honestly we spent very little time at the actual reunion), the horrible heat, dips in the pool, treks to and fro, I realized once again that I need only my kids and my man and my God to be fulfilled. Now, I want everyone else I love in my life, but as Graham told me this weekend, “ I want it to be you and me for the rest of my life.” And I feel the same…but I haven’t always felt so fulfilled by just “us.” When I didn’t, I thought it was anybody’s fault but my own. But, I was restless, unhappy, depressed, unfulfilled, not because of Graham, but because I was not pursuing God to make me happy. I was wanting Graham or my kids or whatever to make me happy. It's ironic that it all seems to come back to simply putting God first because it seems like such a simple statement. But it really is difficult to do because our nature is so self-driven. My mom always told us growing up that to whom much is given, much is expected (I think this is from the Bible, not sure and too lazy to go look it up). And the older I get the more I realize the truth of this. What it means to me is that if you know God, really know how real He is, know the track He has set before you, know the talent and gifts He has blessed you with, know the ugliness He has saved you from, and you still choose to serve Him halfheartedly, you will never, never be at peace and fulfilled. It is not possible. A guy we know who has an awesome God-given musical talent, you know the kind who can not only sing but also plays multiple instruments, is pursuing a career in the music industry and wanting to make money doing it, while leaving no room for God. I'd like to tell him it will never work that way, especially being that he was raised to seek God first. I don’t think God minds that we have passions other than Himself, after all He put them there. But, we have to pursue God first in order for our passions and anything else in our lives to be successful, while also feeling at peace with our life. I’ve always known this, was raised to know this, and I still didn’t really get it until a couple of years ago. You can serve God with a lukewarm passion, and everything else in your life will be lukewarm as well. Or you can choose to chase after God with a burning passion, and your life will overflow with peace and blessings. This doesn’t mean everything will be perfect, but that you will be able to find peace in spite of your surroundings. And that’s how I feel now. Not because my circumstances changed (though they have somewhat, but not instantly), but because my focus changed from pursuing what I want to giving my passion to God and seeing what He wanted to do with it. I mess up a lot. As soon as I begin to lose my peace, though, I know exactly why. I’ve lost my focus again…but God is so merciful. No matter what happens, if I’ve got my little family and my God, everything else will be okay. I know it sounds trite, but I also know it’s the truth.
Oh and I also realize that in typing what's in my head I may not have made sense and I've used the words peace and passion a lot, which is trite in itself. Oh well. lol

*Wanted to share a couple of links...one of pictures that my friend Jonna took of my kids. She did a great job, and I love the pics. Season and Grayson Also I finally bought a swimsuit. Here's a picture of it. It's hot! lol Summer's hot swimsuit

Lessons Learned

Two years ago this week we were in the hospital with our boy. Grayson was born on the 1st, also Graham's birthday, and then we had to stay three more nights because they were concerned with his breathing. So, we came home with our son on July 4th, 2005, oblivious to the changes this tiny little person could bring into our lives. I made the decision to just be mom after he was born, and that was a definite step of faith for us being that it would cut our income in half and could possibly drive me insane. But I really knew it was what God wanted me to do, whether it would be easy or not. Since then my life has been completely blessed, and I have learned so much about God. So, thought I would share a few. Because I can lol.

1. I can’t do it all. But, God can. He is strong when I am weak. God won't work until I give up. Completely. He doesn’t even want my suggestions. He will not control a situation that I am already controlling myself. And even though giving up is freeing, it doesn’t mean you stop doing. Even when you are overwhelmed , you just keep on doing your best, and God takes care of everything else. And once you get to the end of whatever obstacle is in the way at the time, you look back and think, “How did I do that?” Oh yeah, I didn’t. God did.

2.Faith really can move mountains. And the Bible says faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. When I put that truth into practice in my life, it works. If something in life is not working, find scriptures on that topic. Write them down, put it where you can see it. Speak them aloud. And don’t speak the opposite. Our words are so powerful. Speak only God’s truth. You will see miracles.

3. God wants a relationship with us. I think you can maybe make it to heaven just by “believing” in him, but I truly believe He wants us to pursue a relationship with him just like we would any other person we love. I mean Graham and I can be married and live in the same house and never really get to know each other any better and still be married. But if we pursue each other, we begin to really know each other and fall even more in love. That’s how we should be with God, too. The closer we draw to Him, the closer He draws to us. If he is truly your best friend, then treat Him that way. Make an effort to know Him, and you’ll be surprised at the difference it will make in your life.

4.Sin is gradually destructive. It’s like that person who smokes “only when she drinks,” or “only when she’s stressed.” Until eventually she’s built up an immunity/addiction and smokes a pack a week then a pack every other day. That’s how sin makes it’s way into our lives. It’s a small disruption at first, seemingly harmless, until finally it has hold on your life so big that you’ve become someone unrecognizable. The devil is a sneaky snake.

5.I think God loves to give us the desires of our heart, that is if our desires are in line with His will. Just like I love to make my children smile, I think He is the same. But, if my kids are being snots then forget it. And I think God feels likewise. Of course I think we have to make an effort to “delight” in Him, and then get ready.

6.Being a Christian is not about rules and regulations. Being a Christian is about loving Christ. Legalism sucks. But when you love Him, there are certain things you do or don’t do because you love Him. Read His Word, talk to Him, and find our what those are. Don’t let someone else do it for you. Love Him so much that you want to please Him, and you will find freedom.

Have you learned anything lately? Share.