Control Issues? Yeah, you gnome.

Today I have the luxury of closing myself in my house, camping out in the living room in my pajamas, going outside only to feed our new kitty, Lizzie Bellie, and get the mail. Of course, I don't know how much of a luxury it really is being that I am being held here forcefully by a sweet, sickly regurgitating little man. Though I have issues with certain things being splattered on the walls, I don't mind at all when my boy curls up in my lap and falls fast asleep.

I didn't really choose to abstain from blogging for a whole month, but I haven't been able to "complete" any great thoughts. I don't want my blog to be a smathering of randomness all the time, but I think I am beginning to see a pattern in my life. Lots of beginnings with no endings. Too many great ideas that are not followed through. Too many projects initiated but never completed. I obviously have personality issues. It’s got to be an issue of fear. Fear that I can’t successfully finish at the standard I would like to. Or maybe I am just lazy (not driven some might say? Lol) Commitment issues maybe? Like if I commit to this then I won’t be able to do that. And I have to be able to be open to whatever comes my way. okay so sorry about that aside into my psyche. Actually, I'm not sorry. In fact, how 'bout a further peek? In my vegetative state today, I thought it might be fun to browse through my pictures. Here are a few that make me happy:

this is why I love my man

this is what appears if you give my girl a camera

it never hurt to put a little hope in gnomes.

Rose? Rose? is that you...no no it's just your man.

oh my hehehahhaha
okay so we actually got out of the house one more time. The boy started feeling better and insisted we ride his four-wheeler. As I was driving down one of the trails, I began to wonder if it was actually a trail at all. It was not very cleared out. There were a few rocks in the way, and branches hanging low. But just barely you could see the tire tracks right in front of you. I thought about how we wonder the same thing a lot of times as we seek God about our trail in life. We begin cruising along and then when it becomes a little rocky we question whether it's really the path. "Are you sure God? That doesn't look very clear to me. I really can't see where I'm going." I like to think that I am not a control freak, that I very easily submit myself to God's will. But that is soooo not true. I may not count calories, make to-do lists incessantly, or be pushy about getting my way, but I maintain control of my days in my own manipulative ways quite often. Having faith that He has your life in His hands, and then actually trusting Him to take care of it are two totally different concepts. Taking that leap into nothing, complete abandonment...it's something I am still pursuing. Something I don't think I have figured out yet. I am confronted by my "control" issues in my relationship with my husband. Through those stupid disagreements that I sometimes just can't let go of, through the times I don't want to submit to his wisdom as the head of our family. But I know that Biblically, submission to my man is submission to God. Being dependent is difficult for our self-sufficient, self-gratifying culture, which, yep, includes myself most of the time. True trust is refusing to say, "but God." It is a reckless flailing at His feet. As I was driving down that not so clear path on the four-wheeler, Grayson sat securely against me; no tension in his body, no fear on his face. Instead, he was full of joy and his hands were in his lap with no doubt that I knew exactly what I was doing.

Psalm 131:2 But I have stilled and quieted my soul; like a weaned child with its mother, like a weaned child is my soul within me.

Unfortunately, I am reminded everyday that I am a sinner saved by grace by the simple fact that the above statement shared by Mr. Bunny is my natural tendency. No, Mr. Ray Comfort, I am not a good person.

The love of Jesus is amazing. He watches us mess up again and again, and His love is just as overwhelming and unfailing the last time we fail as it was the first.

I, on the other hand, ask like Peter did, "uh, Lord, how many times do I have to watch people make the same mistake before I can just cross them off my list? How many times do I have to pretend that I believe the facade they present." And, He gently reminds me that He keeps me on His list.

1 Peter 4:7 says to be "clear minded and self-controlled so that [I] can pray." I cannot allow my mind to be infiltrated by resentfulness, confusion, or trying to figure out why people do what they do. I cannot act on my fleshly tendencies to want to behave in an unChrist-like manner based on what other people do. I have to pray for myself and others. I can't pray unless I am "clear-minded and self-controlled."

1 Peter 4:8 says "Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins." The Scripture doesn't give me a list of people I should love deeply, or "fervently" as the KJV says. Nope, I can't choose to love only certain people. I am just called to love. In loving like Jesus, we cover over sin!? Wow. The love of Jesus is perfect. It is, as Shelly read in Lifegroup, 1Corinthians 13. The question is not can I do it, but will I do it? (Because His Word says I can) If I want perfect peace, If I want to see my brothers and sisters in Christ in perfect peace, I have to love. I have to constantly lay my natural tendencies at His feet because He is searching my heart and my mind and He, the almighty God of everything, the One who truly covers over my sin, He knows my motives (1Chronicles28:9) He sees right through the facade. That strikes the fear of God in me.

Cuttin' it

I learned today that offering to mow the yard is an aphrodisiac to my husband. I was actually surprised that he allowed me to do it, and by "it" I mean cut the grass, as the first and last time I mowed I ran over something I shouldn't have.

It took me about an hour and a half to do the whole yard, during which time I listened to Mr. Todd Friel at a decibel I'm sure was inappropriate for my earholes. I began to enjoy the manual labor (it is still manual if you are riding, right?), getting some sun, sweating a bit, looking back and seeing the progress I'd made, that is until I began sneezing uncontrollably which led me to pee my pants, I mean you know just a little cause I'm over 30 and pushed out two kids and things like that just start to happen unfortunately. ugh! Anyway, Graham was appreciative of my labor, mostly I think because he is in-love with his land. And the fact that I paid his land some attention made him happy. Lately, most of our conversations go like this:

Me: Hey sweetie-pie honey bun hot stuff! How was your day?

Him: Oh, it's great being that I have so many hours of daylight left to work my land.

Me: You should have seen your son today. He is so funny.

Him: Did you see the land? Doesn't it look awesome there where I cleared out all those stinkin' oak trees?

Me: Uh, yeah. Anyway we went to the library today and then visited my grandparents.

Him: I think I'll get on the four-wheeler and drive around a few hours staring at the land.

Me: so what do ya want for dinner dear?

Him: Did you see the pile of brush that I'm gonna burn later? It's going to look so much better when I get that done. By the way, do you wanna do it later?

Me: do you mean cut the grass?

this is where he wants to put the house

Ok ok so I exaggerate a tad. But, he is very passionate about working the land. In fact, Season said he should just marry it. lol I do love that he is so focused on something and does whatever he is doing with a ragingawesome tenacity. He wants us to have a home that we can share and enjoy the rest of our life together. I want to continue to be patient in the meantime and be a helpmeet in whatever way I can. I pray that we can keep our God-focus most of all.

check the beautimous shirt my bfffffff created for me.

It ends well.

I can only think randomly as of late, too much swimming inside my head to really focus on one thing. That’s why it’s been a whole month since my last post! So, I thought I would make a “random” list so maybe you can really get an idea of what it’s like to live inside my head. Scary thought, huh? I think that is how I cope, don’t focus on anything for too long so as to not get lost in it. I think that’s why school has been so difficult for me lately. Writing 10-page papers takes focus, and it’s just something that my lazy self does not want to do right now. So in honor of my thought process, a random list.

1. I am so hacked off at people who see the need to display a life-size Freddy Krueger in their yard. Is that entirely necessary? Especially when I know these people have children under the age of ten. Is that really what you want in their heads? I know it’s Halloween or whatever, but making a graveyard in your front yard? Why is that acceptable? I don’t have a problem with letting my kids participate in Halloween through dress-up, trick-or-treating, or the carnivals that abound during that time, but when I have to drive by a stinkin’ Freddy Kreuger waving at me everyday just to get home, that I have a problem with. And I don’t even live on Elm Street!

2. My boy is the cutest, orneriest, sweetest, silliest person I know. I love him! But he is really good at driving me bananas, and I think he knows it already. In fact I think he intentionally walks around the house and takes inventory, noting things that he can destroy, spread all over the house, or lather all over himself when I’m not looking for a few minutes. I think he is constantly making mental notes to himself like “ok, if I drag that chair over here in front of the sink, I can then reach the faucet. I can turn the water on and fill up the cups and then dump it in the floor! Mom will love that!” Tuesday as I was trying to get ready to go to the Pregnancy Center, he had toilet papered his whole room, taken the hand soap from the bathroom and slathered it in his hair, and gathered a stack of DVD’s to take “bye bye.“ Then just for good measure he dumped out his block, legos, and a jar of buttons that he found somewhere. He has so much fun! When we go to Wal-Mart or “Mal-Nart” as he calls it, he yells, very passionately, the name of each item he knows. “Fish!” “Cereal!” “Juice!” He is just such a boy. Something I know very little about. It is such an exciting challenge though. The other night he was coughing a lot, wasn’t sleeping well. I went to his room, asked him if he was okay, patted his head, gave him a kiss. He said, “Thanks Mommy.” The next morning he climbed under the covers with me and snuggled up. Out of the blue he says, “Mommy I love jew(you)” And then struggled to get his arms out of the covers, spread ‘em out, and say, “This much.” Man, little boys know just how to love (and terrorize) their mommies!


3. I am so excited for my friends, the Tefertillers, who leave Saturday for Africa. Keep them in your prayers as they strive to follow God’s lead and share His love outside of the U.S. I so admire their passion for and obedience to our God. Good people, and I love ‘em! I just have this feeling that God is about to reveal how real He is to new people everywhere, from here to Africa! Really! I can literally feel a churning! That sounds so stupid I know, but I’m just excited! Now you may not be able to see it outwardly (that’s not my style lol) but WOW! HE IS SO REAL! Get ready! We had a little party for the T’s last night, and as our awesome friend Terrie read Revelations 9-10 After this I looked and there before me was a great multitude that no one could count, from every nation, tribe, people and language, standing before the throne and in front of the Lamb. They were wearing white robes and were holding palm branches in their hands. And they cried out in a loud voice: "Salvation belongs to our God, who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb." I was so moved as I envisioned that scene. Think about it. I so want to be there, don’t you?


Well, I had a lot more randomness goin' on, but thinking about Jesus and worshipping Him in our home in Heaven kind of rids your mind of all the clutter.

Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let your glory be over all the earth
Psalm 57:5

Who do you say I am?

I have often said that I don’t care what people think of me, that whether you like me or not matters little to me. I am just who I am and am not willing to change to make you like me. And though it is still mostly how I feel, I realize now that it may not always be Christ-like to think like this. Growing up and still to this day, I have had people tell me that they didn’t think I liked them, or that they didn’t like me until they really got to know me, that they thought I was a "snob." I am quiet, reserved, shy, introverted, all those stinkin’ words that I have come to hate, but that’s who I am. That is how God made me I guess. So, am I responsible for other people’s perceptions of me? Can I help the judgments people form of me before they ever know me? Unfortunately, whether I like it or not, I believe the responsibility is mostly mine. This is a hard truth for me because I really am oblivious to others around me for the most part. (not to their needs, but to their perceptions of me. I want to be a servant, I just don't want to be concerned with people I am unaware of forming opinions of me) I just do my thang and don’t really think about much else, until it’s over. Then I might look back and think hmmmm I wonder what so and so thinks about me. But then I think who cares and move on. Honestly, and until recently I didn’t really realize that everybody was not like that.

But, I feel awkward making small talk with people, so a lot of times I just say nothing. I hate forced conversations. But, I really do envy that quality in people to make those around them feel comfortable. My husband is so good at that. I just feel stupid when I open my mouth to talk to somebody I don’t know that well. I really do desire to be more approachable, though. I desire to be a reflection of the joy I feel in my heart. I want all people to see Jesus in me, not just the people I know well. I want strangers to feel secure in my presence and not wonder whether I like them or not. In order to do this I have to embody the fruits of the spirit. People should see love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith, gentleness, and self-control when they look at me. I don’t think that is expecting too much of myself. It may be difficult to overcome my weaknesses. In fact, it will be impossible without Jesus working through me, without my obedience to walk in the spirit. I must step out when He says to step out. I don’t have to be something I’m not, but I must be the me He created me to be. And I don’t think he created me to use my weaknesses as excuses or crutches. I think He gave me weaknesses so that He could show His awesome strength in my life.

So, I really don’t care what people think of me. But I do care what God thinks of me.

Covered Up in Kids!

I have the blahs….seriously. I’ve been in one of those moods where I don’t want to do anything, and I like it that way. I mean obviously my “good” side says “Uh, you know it ain’t right to sit on the couch all day watching The Next Food Network Star.” But my bad side says, “Come on, what does it hurt to be really lazy every once in a while. Why do you have to be the mom and keep everybody happy?” Am I the only one who ever feels this way? Honestly, I know it’s wrong. I feel so unproductive and even more blah when I do nothing. Though, in reality, I don’t ever just do nothing. Because, in the midst of my blahs, I’m still the mom. Like yesterday I did watch a lot of TV, but I still cooked breakfast, picked up the house twice, cleaned the toilet, clipped Season’s toenails, washed dishes, did laundry, and held Grayson most of the day because he did not feel well, spent some quality time with my man, and had a good talk with a friend. But, at the end of the day, I just felt lazy and worthless. And it’s not like I don’t know why. I just did a blog about it, right? Putting God first. And He totally was not yesterday. Why do I do that? And why does He continue to show His favor and mercy even when I am disobedient. I say disobedient simply because I know He is asking me to include a little discipline in my days. Discipline is difficult for a phlegmatic procrastinator like myself, as my mottos are mostly “Who cares.” and “Why do today what you can put off until tomorrow.” Really. Every Sunday I say okay tomorrow is the day I will begin to be disciplined. I’ve been saying that for like a year now. It’s not working. 6am rolls around and I decide to wait until tomorrow to be disciplined. I really really want to do it. But I really really don’t want to do it too. Lol I have a hard time being accountable to myself. Anyways, I thought I would blog about it in the attempt to make myself accountable somehow. Tomorrow. 6am. Give my day to God. Make Graham lunch and send him off with lovin‘. Prayer/bible time. Exercise. Plan something fun to do with the kids. Teach them something new. Talk to them about God. Drink only water. Eat no sugar. HAHa
If you read My Utmost for His Highest, read the one for Oct. 12. That’s my prayer. To walk with God in everything, not just the exceptional moments. To not give in because it is hard to fight my flesh now because eventually He will bring new vision and new purpose. You can read it here.
I also love The Message version of Romans 12:1-2, which speaks discipline to me. It’s my prayer as well for myself and you: “Take your everyday, ordinary life--your sleeping, eating, going-to-work, and walking-around-life--and place it before God as an offering. Embracing what God does for you is the best thing you can do for Him. Don’t become so well-adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be charged from the inside out.” Wow! So go….add some discipline, do not fit in, be charged!

Lessons Learned

Two years ago this week we were in the hospital with our boy. Grayson was born on the 1st, also Graham's birthday, and then we had to stay three more nights because they were concerned with his breathing. So, we came home with our son on July 4th, 2005, oblivious to the changes this tiny little person could bring into our lives. I made the decision to just be mom after he was born, and that was a definite step of faith for us being that it would cut our income in half and could possibly drive me insane. But I really knew it was what God wanted me to do, whether it would be easy or not. Since then my life has been completely blessed, and I have learned so much about God. So, thought I would share a few. Because I can lol.

1. I can’t do it all. But, God can. He is strong when I am weak. God won't work until I give up. Completely. He doesn’t even want my suggestions. He will not control a situation that I am already controlling myself. And even though giving up is freeing, it doesn’t mean you stop doing. Even when you are overwhelmed , you just keep on doing your best, and God takes care of everything else. And once you get to the end of whatever obstacle is in the way at the time, you look back and think, “How did I do that?” Oh yeah, I didn’t. God did.

2.Faith really can move mountains. And the Bible says faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of God. When I put that truth into practice in my life, it works. If something in life is not working, find scriptures on that topic. Write them down, put it where you can see it. Speak them aloud. And don’t speak the opposite. Our words are so powerful. Speak only God’s truth. You will see miracles.

3. God wants a relationship with us. I think you can maybe make it to heaven just by “believing” in him, but I truly believe He wants us to pursue a relationship with him just like we would any other person we love. I mean Graham and I can be married and live in the same house and never really get to know each other any better and still be married. But if we pursue each other, we begin to really know each other and fall even more in love. That’s how we should be with God, too. The closer we draw to Him, the closer He draws to us. If he is truly your best friend, then treat Him that way. Make an effort to know Him, and you’ll be surprised at the difference it will make in your life.

4.Sin is gradually destructive. It’s like that person who smokes “only when she drinks,” or “only when she’s stressed.” Until eventually she’s built up an immunity/addiction and smokes a pack a week then a pack every other day. That’s how sin makes it’s way into our lives. It’s a small disruption at first, seemingly harmless, until finally it has hold on your life so big that you’ve become someone unrecognizable. The devil is a sneaky snake.

5.I think God loves to give us the desires of our heart, that is if our desires are in line with His will. Just like I love to make my children smile, I think He is the same. But, if my kids are being snots then forget it. And I think God feels likewise. Of course I think we have to make an effort to “delight” in Him, and then get ready.

6.Being a Christian is not about rules and regulations. Being a Christian is about loving Christ. Legalism sucks. But when you love Him, there are certain things you do or don’t do because you love Him. Read His Word, talk to Him, and find our what those are. Don’t let someone else do it for you. Love Him so much that you want to please Him, and you will find freedom.

Have you learned anything lately? Share.

Ragingawesome Baby!

My favorite word, which I made up because I am a dork like that, is ragingawesome. I'm not quite sure when I decided that this would be my catch phrase, or that I was allowed to make up words, or that I would be so goofy as to share it with others. But other than being so much fun to say, it has deeper meaning to me. I like to think that whatever you do, you should do it with rage. I know, I know rage is usually violent anger, but here I mean complete sold-out passion, not anger. God created us with passions and desires and I think He intended for us to do those things, to live our lives with serious rage. The Bible says whatever your hands find to do, do it with all your might. Rage! Or as Mr. Abe Lincoln said, "Whatever you are, be a good one." I know it's nothing we've never heard before, but are we really doing this in our day-to-day lives? Are we really being our best? I know I'm not. And I'm not talking about being perfect. Anyone who knows me knows my goal is not perfection. In fact perfection gags me, infuriates me, fills me with rage. lol Anyway. I'm just saying make it your goal to live your life with passion even in the little things. Don't be so afraid of making a mistake or doing it wrong that you lose the passion, the rage.

When I was teaching, my students thought I was an idiot most of the time (a "cool" idiot though), but I even made me a t-shirt that said Ragingawesome Bears. Yeah, and I wore it on game days. It rocked! lol One of my favorite poems to teach was by Dylan Thomas, which he wrote to his dying father, begging him to not go out without a fight. It says, "Do not go gentle into that good night. Rage, rage against the dying of the light." I was reading this in front of the class one time and accidentally said "Rage, rage against the machine!" lol Anyway, this is my goal....to be ragin'. A ragin' Christian, a ragin' wife, a ragin' mom, to pursue my God-breathed passions with rage. Yeah, I like it!

Baggage and Tracks

Part of my volunteer job at the Pregnancy Center is being on the Abstinence speaking team in which I do a little skit/monologue. The skit(written, directed and starred in by me! lol) voices the thoughts of a bride walking down the aisle toward her groom. As she remembers various relationships she has had in her life, she picks up a piece of luggage that symbolizes the impact of that particular guy; by the time she gets to her groom she is so emotionally weighed down with "baggage" that she refuses to go through with the wedding. This made me think about the fact that each relationship we have in life, whether intimate or otherwise, has an impact on us as well as the other person involved. What kind of baggage am I leaving or have I left with other people? I can remember friends as far back as 2nd grade that have in some way left a piece of themselves or an impression of who they are with me. It makes me wonder what did I leave with them? Is it positive or has it caused some sort of deficit in their life? I think we should try our best to leave our best with people with whom we come in contact, especially as Christians, as we should be the "light" of the world. This is not always easy because sometimes it means swallowing our pride and keeping our mouth shut, or sacrificing our own wants for somebody elses. My new goal is to enhance whatever environment I am in; I want to be a reflection of Jesus, to be His hands and feet. I do not want to be a person who when she leaves everybody breathes a sigh of relief because I have been weighing others down with my baggage which can be in forms of criticalness, selfishness, or just a flat-out sorry attitude(which I am guilty of often). I want my friends and family to be glad I am there, you know "Yea Summer's here!" lol Most of the time this is much easier said than done because so often we are thinking only of ourself rather than how we are being perceived by others. We watched a play last night about the "tracks" we leave behind. Not only do I want to be able to look back and remember with fondness the tracks I left behind, but I also want others to look at me and my life and see the tracks of Jesus.