Waxing poetic is cool
In theory. Deep Soulful Mysterious
But gashes galore.
Spring forth thematic eruptions
On the surface. Divine Serene Mystical
Buried before brokenness.
Envious of word play
Shallow stuff. Devious Sinister Mischievous
But not the malady.
A vain attempt
Should follow. Daring Senseless Minute
Ineffective before experience.
Lost in clumsy thoughts
thwarted contemplation. Dead Stagnant Mute
In your dreams.
And I feel so free!
So, yeah, I dropped all of my classes today. Inner turmoil over attacking my first ten-page paper of the semester began plaguing me as soon as I read my syllabus. I couldn't bring myself to even attempt it because, sadly, I didn't freakin' want to. Yesterday, I finally confronted myself and analyzed the situation. I didn't want to be a quitter simply because graduate school was a challenge. I didn't want to be a quitter simply because sometimes I'm lazy and don't want to read a book about counseling ethics. So, I didn't want to give myself the easy way out. That's not how I roll. I quit because I want to be the best wife and mom I can (through Christ obviously) and I had to be honest that I couldn't continue to do that and also be successful at the student thing. I hate that I can't, but I honestly don't know how anybody else is able to do it either. Something or someone has to be compromised, just like it would if I had a job instead of staying at home. I know that God has given me a specific vision, but His timing is different than mine. I must rest easy in that and not try to do things in my own power. With constant due dates, I felt like I was walking around with a fog hanging over my head all of the time. I feel almost guilty saying that I quit simply because I did not want to deal with the stress of it anymore, as I know there are so many stressed-out people these days. But mine was self-induced. (so is a lot of other people's for that matter) Anyways, it's not fair to my kids for me to be in a bad mood because I'm dreading a paper. They are only this age for a vapor, and I want to enjoy them and for them to have memories of a peaceful home with a mom who loved her family without being constantly distracted. So, I am really excited about marking out all of the due dates in my calendar, and doing nothing but being momma and wife, and serving whomever God may put in my path.
Promise from God to my sister and anyone else suffering heartache and grief.......
HE WILL TURN YOUR MOURNING INTO DANCING
HE WILL TURN YOUR SORROW INTO JOY
This is how we overcome
Keep your eyes on Jesus.....This is how we overcome.
He is faithful and He is just. In Him there is always Hope.
Jesus says in John 16:33 (summer's version)"There will be pain in this life. But in me you can have peace. Relax. Be still. I have overcome the world."
This is how we overcome.
Psalm 30 is just awesome.....just so ya know.
My first thought upon being awakened this morning by a two-year-old screaming for juice was “Wow that was a whacked-out dream!” My next thought was “Why is the phrase whacked-out in my vocabulary my being a normal thirty-year-old white non-toking Christian woman?” But, seriously don’t you wonder where those strange dreams we have originate? You know, if there is any down time in Heaven, I will definitely be talking to Jesus about that topic. I’m sure He is very concerned with it. Anyway, yeah, deep thoughts.
Well, as 2008 has officially begun, I guess I will be like everybody else, ‘cause that’s the kind of person I am, and reflect on 2007. Mostly, for me, it was the year that I realized I am really for reals an adult. I mean I knew it before but now, there is no turning back.
*The year of the birthday: 30th birthday to be exact. I am 30--It is hard to say. I remember being a teen and thinking that 30 was soooo old, but I don’t feel old, I mean except when my knee catches when I try to get out of a chair and when I can’t run around the bases without pulling a muscle. Shut up I am not out of shape! But I’m cool with 30. I will still wear my cheesy saying t-shirts and printed socks. I will still say freakin’(and whacked-out) and I will still roll down hills and play headphones with my friends. But, because I am 30, I will not wear skirts above the knee or expose my stomach or dye my hair purple. And I will try to stop blowing bubbles when I chew gum and giggling at stupid jr. high jokes.
*The year of the anniversary: 10 years together. We’ve got this marriage thing down…it is my security, my safe place. We are in the same place finally, ready to look to the future whatever it may hold and willing to learn from each other and change the things that need to be changed. We get each other and the roles we have to fulfill in order to be successful in our marriage for years to come. Gag gag gag I know. Truth nonetheless. And we finally made a budget together. Ten years and finally we can talk about money lol
*The year of the school party: ugh…..school parties! Anyway, so Season started preschool this year and I have to be the mom and stand around with the other moms at the holiday parties. I don’t know why but that just brings me to the realization that both she and I are getting older and changing. I can only reflect now on her babyhood. So many more plateaus to come in the lives of my children. Am I ready? Are they ready? Am I doing everything I can each and every day to help them to become mature and responsible in Christ? And as they enter school and all the other things like t-ball, gymnastics, etc., I have to remember that is the goal. Not for them to be like the world, but for them to be like Christ.
*The year of the drop: I dropped one of my classes this past semester. It was pivotal for me because first of all I had never dropped a course before. And second of all because it was admitting I couldn’t do something I had set out to do or at least not as well as I wanted to. Again, I had to admit I was getting old, that I can’t stay up all night working on papers anymore. That college, and a master’s degree is no longer a top priority in my life as it was when I was younger. In working my brain to death, I was ignoring a dream I had already realized without even knowing I had the dream, and it has nothing to do with knowledge, degrees or dollars.
*The year of the purple: I painted my kitchen walls purple! Yea! And I still love it. For me, it wasn’t just about painting the walls. It was about making a decorating decision in my home all by myself without being influenced to do it the safe and acceptable way (or the way Graham would do it lol) And it made me so happy when it actually looked good! Or at least that’s what people tell me to my face. I have many more plans for paint on my walls now. And it is fun to know that my home can actually reflect who I am.
So, 2007 was a year of turning points. I am excited for 2008 as things continue to change. Obviously I have goals. And they all involve that dreaded discipline word that we all know I have problems with. I know that first and foremost I want to continue to strive to be what God wants me to be in everything ‘cause when I am 90 years old and I look back on my life, that's all that will matter.
I am a thief. There. I said it. Or I was a thief for like five minutes. So does that still qualify as an official thief? That's what I was asking God anyway right after I grabbed my receipt and my buggy and noticed the two dollar and fifty cent cupcakes sitting there so innocently under my big honkin' purse. The cupcakes were for a good cause, my cousin's birthday, so doesn't that make it okay to just go ahead and slip quietly out the door without paying for them. After all, lol, I am a good person. That's what I thought as I held Grayson on my hip and stared sweetly straight into the eyes of the Wal-Mart lady standing at the exit checking receipts of people who ding when they walk out. I sailed right past the dinger thinking how easy it is for a smiling mom with cute kids to steal. Unfortunately for the devil in me, I had promised Season we would rent a movie at the Redbox machine right outside the door. So, I had to stop, which meant I had time to think (stupid conscience!) I tried to bargain with God. "I'll pay for them next time!" "I mean, it's not as if I had the intention to steal them when I picked them up. It was a sheer oversight. An innocent accident." "The lines! God the lines are soooooo loooong!" Anyway, that's kind of how it went during the few minutes that it took to rent Underdog. I really just did not want to go back into that stressful moneyhole. It took me hours just to find the shortest check-out, which just so happened to be the self check-out, which, let's be honest, usually takes longer. There is a definite technique to the scanning. One that's not so easy to perfect with the help of two-year-old. Anyway, I did. Go back in. I left my basket outside and told the Wal-Mart exit greeter lady that I "forgot" to pay for the cupcakes. Luckily, God smiled on me and I didn't even have to wait in line. I went back in because I stopped. I stopped long enough to consult with God. Pausing is good. Think before you leap. Oh wait it's look before you leap. I took time to think about what my actions revealed and how they would affect me. Would the effects of stealing two dollar cupcakes be massive? Not outwardly, but I knew, for me, I wouldn't be able to get away from it. Every time I faced God, I would be reminded of my internal ugliness. oh wait. That happens anyway. I'm beginning to ramble. What I am trying to say is I'm a sinner saved by grace. I'm ugly. I'm a thief. Thank God he replaces my ashes with His beauty.
BTW-I didn't even eat a bite of the stupid cupcakes. But I took a moment to pose with the instigators, just in case you were beginning to think that I am not a dork. 
This past month has been busy and fun-filled for us. The first of November marked the tenth year of marriage for me and my man. Ten years of wedded bliss…I’m sorry but that phrase makes me laugh and wanna throw up all at the same time. Not that there haven’t been moments of bliss or as my favorite dictionary says moments of being on cloud nine or in seventh heaven. But I’m afraid too many people go into marriage with the idea that bliss will just overtake their life, when in reality marriage is about doing life--good, bad, and ugly-- side by side (or, okay, one tiny step behind your man if you want to get all Biblically-technical about it!) It’s about putting the person you love before yourself, accepting him unconditionally, and encouraging and supporting him. To me, it’s about putting him and our marriage in God’s hands and laying my selfishness at His feet. And I’ve only really learned this the last two years, and am still not perfect at putting it into practice. The first ten years were definitely a learning experience, but so worth the end result. Graham and I are happier than we’ve ever been, serving God together, and seeking to be what He wants us to be both individually and as a couple. Sorry if I am making you sick with our blissfulness….hehehe. Believe me, we annoy each other like crazy. Our personalities and ways of seeing things our pretty much opposite, so yeah, we definitely have our disagreements. Give and take. But, I am so excited about the future! We celebrated ten years with a ski trip to Colorado. Graham loves to ski and is pretty good at it. I, on the other hand, can ski but not so good. Fear seems to overtake me at the top of every mountain. Many parallels to life abound in skiing for me. Graham hits the top and doesn’t slow down ‘til he gets to the bottom. I tend to take it a little at a time, slowly but with a focus. (Which is seriously a much more painful way to ski, but I am skeered to go fast!) I don’t think our ways of skiing necessarily mirror the way we attack life, but, okay I’ll stop being deep. Anyway, we had fun skiing. The mountains are absolutely majestic! The air is crisp and clear and the pure white snow unmuddied by the world is heavenly. After finally finishing up a difficult semester of classes, my vacation was more about being able to relax, so I spent some time in the hotel room by myself and Graham got to ski the Blacks by himself. He met some interesting people on the lifts, of course. And I did nothing! Loved it. Driving home(15 hours I might add)was even fun, planning a financial budget for the year and singing to the radio (Chicago rocks), giving shout-outs to Quanah Parker and even Baby Jesus,lying in the middle of a courthouse lawn.
Season celebrated her fifth birthday on Dec. 2nd. So, ten years of marriage and five years of parenting….wow. Most of the time I feel like I’ve been doing both forever, but then sometimes I feel like such a novice, bumbling around trying to figure out how in the world to do it right. It’s a cliché, but I cannot believe my baby is 5! Though I thought it strange, she wanted a penguin party, and of course a sleepover. And because yes I am crazy, I let her invite ten friends and family to spend the night. I think they all had fun, and it really wasn’t that difficult, except at bedtime. It took two hours to finally get all of them to sleep at the same time. I kept imagining that they were really all mine, which was a scary thought at first. But then I thought about all of the help I would have if I trained ‘em up just right. If I had ten kids, after about five years, I could just sit on the couch all day while the older ones took care of everything. Yep, it would be great. Tunnel vision. Anyway, Graham of course came up with the entertainment, a scavenger hunt and air mattress gymnastics. He is a fun daddy.
At the present, we are trying to potty train Grayson. He and Graham have actually been in the bathroom for about an hour. Apparently things are not coming out so well. But, Graham was so excited today. He has been working for TxDot for ten years and was recognized today for his service. Here he is pictured with his colossal award.
Obviously he has been an excellent employee.
Aren't you glad that we will ultimately recieve our just rewards in heaven?
Imagine you awaken in a room of darkness, black darkness so thick you can feel it as you reach out in search of the familiar. Darkness that causes you to cry out with sheer terror. Darkness that causes you to call out in fear because you are blind to all of your surroundings. Your heart beats uncontrollable. Your palms sweat profusely. Your screams go unheard. No one comes to your rescue. And slowly your eyes become accustomed to the darkness that envelopes you. You manage to find your way inside the black pit of night that you have found yourself in. It becomes part of you. Though you wonder why and how you got to that dark place, you no longer try to escape. You are no longer fearful, though a slight discomfort constantly invades your soul, as if you are bumping into things in the night. Frequently, you are again caught off guard by the darkness, but it always becomes your companion once more.
Suddenly out of nowhere you glimpse a light. A light so bright that it swallows the darkness that has become you and causes you to long for more. The light is fleeting, not wanting to stay long in the pit that is you. As you see the light looking for an escape you grab it and manage to steal a fragment of the brightness. But it doesn’t satisfy. Each time you close your eyes and open them again, you are fearful once more, in search of the little piece of light you found. The darkness is beguiling, convincing you that it just doesn’t get any brighter. Eventually your fragment burns out. You are left alone. Now your terror is unsettling. The light haunts you there in your pit of darkness. Why doesn’t someone reach out to you? Are you so lost that they can’t find you? Can they not shine their light into your black soul? You know the Light is out there, but you are drowning in a lake of black night. Your insides scream with restlessness. You are unable to move, isolated. You will remain there, waste away there. Helpless, lost, abandoned, forgotton because no one was willing to share the Light.
God, I want to share You. Rid me of my pride. Scrape away every part of me that is not You, so I can shine Your Light with boldness to those living in darkness. Because the truth is, without You, I am just a soul of night, too.
